It was almost 30'C, yet I was frozen stiff, down to the very core of my spine. I was shivering. What is worse than facing the hard cruel facts? The anticipation and the almost stand still wait for it.
Every minute was like an eternity and a day.
My day started going wrong when I drove head on into a street that had two consecutive breakdowns and an accident, then I made a wrong turn that led me to the loading area instead of getting into the hospital’s emergency pad; I wasted a good hour getting out of the mess. When we finally arrived at the hospital’s emergency and just when I was about to let out a sigh of relief. I was asked to park my car somewhere else which then I spent another hour hunting for it. Later, I had to walk almost 500m to get back to the emergency area where I left my dad. My knees were wobbling, my eyes were bloodshot red and I haven't sleep for 30 hours (36 hours now). This was the longest day of my life. I was no longer running on physical endurance but my will was the only thing that is fueling me.
I wouldn't mind if I had to go through all of that again if the report that came out is favorable. But everything we dreaded and all the worst case scenario we ever thought of had to materialize. It was one big bitter pill that I had to swallow. To watch the medical stuff put the cables, clips, hose & needles on my old man hurts but it doesn't hurt as much as watching how fragile my dad has become. All these accelerants have been added to the flame that is now burning me and I was like a victim that has been run over twice by hurricane Katrina. I was at the edge and I could breakdown anytime.
Deep down, I know I had to suck it in and be tougher than steel because I’m the only one that my dad has and my dad is the only that I have left and I will not stand to see him fade away like the others before him that were close to me.
Troubled and stiffened, I sat alone waiting outside the treatment room, I was exhausted by all the blow that today's bitter ordeal has lashed out on me; all the blows that I’ve received today were way below the belt.
Then I saw a nurse with a thick file walking right up to me and I thought to myself, one bad news after another, is this the devil coming to deliver the final blow? If so, so be it, do your worse.
But without a word, the nurse just gave me a smile and walked away.
I have never thought that such a simple gesture would set such a massive reaction inside of me; that smile has given me will and hope again. I don’t mind if what you are thinking right now is just how pathetic and needy I have fucking become; after all that I have been put through, I was reduced to a person that was running on thin faith that was on almost empty; I was so desperate for some comfort, any form of comfort that even a smile from a total stranger was like precious gold, incense or myrrh; that smile was the best gift anyone could ever give a person who is broken down, beaten up and at his lowest of low.
I swear I’ll never forget that smile.