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In my iPod: Love, Love, Love - Lenny Kravitz[download]
State of mind: spinning in motion
Location: Agra, India
After nights of bearing my soul to someone, reopening old wounds and coming face to face with feelings that I have always been running away from. It finally happened on the eve of the night where I was about to leave. My palms are sweaty, my heart races, I breathe deeply and my knees are weak. I am fucking sure that many before me have been in the state that I am in now but I am just not sure if this is the same because there are things inside of me that screams and shouts, yet another peaceful part of me is asking me to accept fate and let it take its course. Vertigo headed and confused, I fucking wished that I could rip and tear myself open and pour me out, to really see what is on my inside. But there is not a single drop of doubt that I have fallen. I have fallen at the wrong time and the wrong place under the wrong circumstances. And I thought falling isn't possible when I have tried to fortify myself from ever being caught in this venerable state again, yet like a phantom stranger in the night, it just came and hit me right between the eyes. I wasn't looking for it yet it found me.
So it is true, I have fallen, fallen head over heels and I am madly in a relationship with my medications that I packed before I left Malaysia. Falling in love may be hard on your knees but falling sick is hard on your fucking tongue. I can't even taste anything without first tasting the bitter stain that the pills left on my tongue. No, it isn't food poisoning since I am not puking or purging hellishly; but I am feeling feverish and weak. It could be the fucking heat or the roadside Chai latte or maybe the borderline gross cheese curry that I had for dinner. But it could also be the just-too-early-in-the-morning-for-me train ride from Delhi to Agra; you see I have a severe allergy; I am allergic to waking up early mornings.
But that doesn't matter anymore because all I want to do now is rest as much as I can and gather strength to do what I set out to do in Agra. Like all the fucking tourist here, I'm here to see the motherfucking Taj Mahal.
xniquet's journey across India