The Fall

Tonight I hit a new height at the lowest end of rock bottom.

When I said I was happy clearly it was my temporary insanity that has taken over and clouded my brain and vision, creating this faux hope and it wrought into a fictitious promise of a new dawn for me. But the truth is always penetrating; it reaches even to the furthest untouchable darkness to reveal things that you always try to hide. No matter how tight you close your eyes or seal your ears, eventually there is no escaping from it. That is why the things that you will always find are the things that you try to hide.

This blog right here, the one you are reading right here, this is my life, this is me. As sick and repugnant it may be; it is still me. It is a place where I can come clean with myself. No longer have I need to put on a mask or try to hide the millions of horrid thoughts that goes in my head. This is where I let my demons loose here. My thoughts, my feelings and my insanity slither inside the very vein of this blog; you know this is the era of seditious blogs, intended harm and malice to poison and defame others. Well, this blog is seditious too but the only difference is, it is only to defame me. Call it self-loathing, but to me self-loathing is a virtue because it teaches me to be who I am and not what others want or expect me to be. There’s no sunshine, rainbows and cinnamon here, all I have is a broken tale of a derange man to tell.

Sometimes I wished that I could have a better story to tell, I wished I could have a normal life and be labeled as normal and acceptable like the rest. God, believed me, I tried to change but the more I change the more I feel that I am living a fucking lie. If it means to be dislike and be desolate for standing up to what I believe and what I am, I would gladly give up this popularity contest and take my place as a pariah - an outcast from all. Sometimes I feel like I am not even good enough to be looked upon; in fact if God was alive, he probably would hate me anyway. The best thing is I don’t have to utter FML because it has already been fucked up so badly it could not be fuck anymore. So go ahead and tell me how great your life is and is going; I will not envy but I will greet you with a smile and tell you how contented I am with my fucked up life in my totally flawed existence.

Now that I have stray back into the darkness, I think it is also a good time to announce that I will be going on a hiatus. I don’t know for how long but three years have I’ve blogged unceasingly and I think it is time that I should take long break. Besides, I think I have been too much of a sloth lately and this vagabond needs to fulfill his wanderlust. So I have decided to ditch my plan of heading to Egypt but head north to Nepal and Tibet as soon as I get all my documents and papers done.

On nights like this, I am more than happy to let in hell than to break my own fall.

So at the 565th post and the misery, this is last post from India.