In my iPod:Better - Guns N' Roses
State of mind:Dazed

It was a comatose weekend; so dazed and stupor that if you were to collect it with a syringe and then inject it into a person, it would induce a twilight sleep that is very similar to a shot full of morphine and scopolamine. No adrenaline filled downhill ride, no soaring with the Todak on top of the waves in South China Sea, no slaving in the burning kitchen to create bizarre dishes that sometimes I don't even consume at all; and no crazy wild fucked up sex with random slutty women picked up from the bar. It was just a quiet weekend, caged up inside my room with no internet, no cable TV, no cell phone, no connection with the outside world. Sometimes, I really needed to be disconnected from everything to feel connected with myself. I am sorry if I haven't reply the overwhelming amount of text messages asking me where the fuck am I and what the fuck happened to me? Absolutely NOTHING happened to me. So now you know. Nevertheless, I thank you all for taking the time to text and even call me when I am so un-deserving of your concern. I know I have been a pain in the ass and a real asshole when it comes to replying text messages and calls. If you know me long enough, you will know that disappearing and reappearing is one of my signature trademarks.

It was indeed a quiet weekend but not peaceful because there was a maelstrom raging inside of me; the cause of it was my sudden outburst of violence towards my dad's pastor. No I wasn't regretting a single bit of what I did to the pastor but it was the trying to get it into the thick skull of my dad, to make him see that what I did was totally justifiable and right. Just because his pastor carries a fucking bible around, doesn't mean he has the fucking right to trash talk as he like. I had a fucking big argument with my dad after that and we haven't spoken since. As the ungovernable son, I am not totally unimpeachable but in this particular matter, that piece of human trash you call man of god is in the wrong.

Deep down I hope that this wouldn't last that long. I hope he will come around and see that fucking fork tongue pastor is spitting venom every fucking time he opens his fucking mouth. I hope that this won't end up like what happened to me and my estrange sister, we haven't spoken in years. I hope… We always say we hope for this and we hope for that; hope gives us strength, hope carries us through shit. But only a fool hopes. When we hope, we expect for the best in the end and most of the time when the outcome turns sour, we fall even harder.

Do you know what HOPE stands for me?

To this troubled heart of mine, that is exactly what hope means. I would rather look for a twist of fate or a change of heart...