In my iPod: That Unnamed Feeling - Metallica
State of mind: Suicidal
Night after night, they let me violate them; they spread their legs to let me penetrate them. I don't even know their names but it is their sex that I can smell. Yes, it brings pleasure to the flesh but it also brings complication, isolation, absence of faith and hate to my fucking soul.
It has been more than a month since I refrain from fucking people that I just met. If you ask me if my balls are itching for some pussy action, I would say no. Cause I can't seem to find them in the first place. There was a time where I don't even bother what the answer would be coming from the other end. May it be, “let's go fuck” or “go fuck yourself”, it doesn't matter because I have nothing to lose. But as your reputation precedes you and your ego gets inflated, it does matters. You see, it isn't about the cold rejection anymore but the dent in the ego that hurts. I know I shouldn't because I have told myself that I am over that shitty phase in life.
But there is a part of me that wants me to continue on, just to prove to myself that I can still do it. It isn't about sex and lust anymore but it is more like feeding the ego. Just like a fucking head hunter who collects fucking skulls of his victim as trophies. It wants me to collect fucking pieces of pussies. In a male's world, the more pussies you fucked, the greater you are and the more your friends look up to you. So does the number of pussies you fuck make you more a man? Then why am I not the man who I am suppose to be?
It is so fucking lame and I am tired of it. If I could un-fuck all the pussies I desecrated, I would in a heart's beat. Then it would placed me back to the time where my head doesn't have to struggle between the moral issues of “to fuck” or “not to fuck”. I need to get outta this sex supernova before it turns into a black hole and forever sucks me in.
I am trying really hard and I may have won the battle for now but I am losing the fucking war. I am running outta option, can anyone help me? I need a new addiction before this one consumes me.Fuck this shit, this is getting me nowhere; I thought blogging about it would make me feel better but I was wrong, I think I am better off drinking a cyanide cocktail.