In my iPod: Armageddon it - Def Leppard
State of mind: tormented
Location: bed, Home

I know I have been all big on jive talking about how I like to see blood and violence everywhere. How I fucking enjoy watching people get fucking butchered and mutilated beyond recognition; the more painful it seems the better it looks on the screen. With today's CG everything looks so fucking real and it just pure bliss watching people die a horrible death in movies. Even though I like to see it on my TV but seeing and smelling the real thing and watching something that is slowly losing its mortal coil and existence is a whole fucking thing.

Who have ever have guessed that a fucked up queer nut case like me would ever have a single tinge of compassion. But seriously I think I have more compassion toward fluffy animals than the human race but I have not put to that test yet. Only time will tell.

It was the fucking afternoon and I just got my dosage my daily MSN and Facebook needs and was driving back home from my studio. It was rather jam than usual and this don't fucking happen much on a scorching hot Saturday afternoon. (The motherfuckers in Kuantan are like sloths; they would rather stay home and turn up their air condition to the fullest.) When I finally came to the spot where the slow down incurred, I saw a near adolescent dog laying smack right in the middle of the road with its head busted opened wide and there were blood everywhere. It would have seem that someone fucking run over his head ; it was crying and all his limbs was kick and moving in a struggling motion except for the head and brain that was all over the rain. No one did anything, all the fucking cars that passes there swerved to avoid the dog.

I think the dog has been in that state for more than 5 minutes because I was in the jam for that period of time yet no one did anything to ease the dog's suffering. I could have just do as what the rest of those motherfuckers did, close one eye drive back to the comfort of my home and let that poor dog suffer a long and painful death. But something in me tells me it is up to me and not the other fuckers on the road.

At first I wanted to run over it another time just to make sure it dies instantly but what if, it doesn't and I would have added much more pain to it. So I pulled over, came out of my fucking car. Walked up to the dog and with my bare hands, I fucking twisted the neck of the dog as hard as I could and when it stopped moving. I carried it back to my car and placed it at the booth. I went home all covered in blood I quickly disposed the dog's carcass at the vacant land just behind my house.

You know I must have use a whole bottle of body wash and shampoo on me but I can still smell the blood stench on me. Sometimes I can still feel like there is still blood on my hands. I am fucking confused right now; did I do the fucking right thing? If so, why am I feeling like fucking crap right now? There is this searing pain inside my heart and my neck is all choked up and tears just keeps rolling down for no apparent reason. My fucking head feels like it wants to explode even after I have taken so much aspirin and painkillers. I have totally lost my appetite and I total puke out whatever shit I taken in, even the fluids.

I am in fucking pain and I am curl up into a question mark, please answer me this… Is this what you fucking get for trying to be a Good Samaritan?

p.s. At least now I know I won't excel in a career as an undertaker.

p.s.s. I am really feeling like crap right now, I am not sure I need a fucking doctor or a priest right now.