In my iPod: 15 - Marilyn Manson
State of mind: broken
Location: Bhopal, India
When a blogger says that he or she has a writer's block, that doesn't necessary indicate a bad thing. In fact, I wished I have one because that would probably mean that my head is empty. Nothing is troubling me. There isn't a maelstrom that is stirring inside my soul, my mind is at ease. I would be fucking spared from a million morbid thoughts floating around my head; my closet would be free of rotting skeletons and for once I could close my eye and with nothing in my head, go to sleep and wake up in the morning without re-living my past hell in a nightmare. But that sadly that isn't so because then I wouldn't be up at this fucking hour of the night bearing my withered soul…
I do not share the luxury that most of you have, that is to have a peaceful sleep at night. When you have been through so much shit in your life, the stain of sadness, remorse and hatred would defile you for the rest of your life. I am like a wet painting that has been molested by the shit of this world and now I am smeared, smeared for the rest of my fucking life.
A lot of you asked me why India? Why of all places and why alone? One of the reason, I have given in one of my post just before I left and this is yet another rationale. I am here because I am trying to runaway from everything that I have once loved.
To feel a million miles away from everything that has make me what I am today. Yes, I am running away from the overly promoted day where you celebrate the one who gave birth to you; I am running away from the thought of the date that I proposed to her; I am running away from my matrimony anniversary of my dearly departed; with birthdays, anniversaries and other day of rememberance that are coming up, I am sorry I don't think I am that strong to be able to stay on and be surrounded by the things that constantly remind me of my fucking lost.
You are right, I am running away from all of these that cause me pain; and if there is ever an edge of the world you will see me there, but for now, India would have to suffice.
20 more days to your birthday and I am already feeling the agony of lost inside of me. My nights are filled with my favorite dreams of you that will only leave me a broken and torment man in my waking moments. I thought being away would ease this pain yet my melancholy has reached new heights, my requirement for painkillers has risen, my alcohol dependency has peaked, my suicidal tendency has never been so high and I am at the lowest of low in my fucked up pathetic motherfucking life.
If you think you are already at rock bottom, take a look downwards and you will see me there.