The Black Sheep of the Family

In my iPod: Women in Chains - Tears for Fears
State of mind: Fragile
Location: Mumbai, India

I filled my plate with a meager amount of spaghetti and rice noodles that clearly would not satisfied the hunger of a growing fat boy like me. But it will have to do for now; It is better to starve than to be ridicule and laughed at by my cousins. For my lust for food has caused me this body deformity that has earned me the nick name Fei Chai (which means fat boy in Cantonese) of the family.

As I sit at the very corner alone, trying to chew on my food and not attract any attention from my cousins and relatives around me. I saw my mum showing off her newly acquired knowledge of Japanese culinary to my dad while holding a bake Unagi in her hands. As convincing as she was, my dad will tend to find something to prove her theories wrong thus showing that he was always the smarter one and he always has to win. (Now I wonder where all these aggressive competitiveness comes from). My aunty would always back my mum and my uncles...well, they are like scavengers; they will wait and see and then side the winning party.

While the adults were having their debate, my cousins were amongst themselves, talking in either encrypted codes or a high language that I totally couldn't understand. It didn’t make any sense to be around them, for I would only be called slow and then ridiculed again. So it was just me, myself and I, sitting alone in the corner, hoping and praying that the night will be over soon. But that isn't always the case, for it was always long and lonely that I have come to understand the real meaning of eternal solitary.

On unbearable nights like these, you will soon find my hiding in a closet with a flash light and a guitar. Going through notes, chords and scales but in a very quiet manner, just so no one would hear and discover me. And no one did ever found me because they were too busy with themselves that they didn't even notice my non existence. But it was also at this time that I have come to create the most beautiful sound to my ears and my ears only. For the world is outside of this closet.

I woke up, only to realize that it was all but a dream.

It was a dream about my past which did happen. Probably that is why I have developed this repulsiveness for family gatherings and festivities. I have always been the odd one in my family, probably the looks. Compared to those good looking motherfuckers, I was a real ugly duckling. No wait, what am I saying, they are not good looking at all except for my mum who was a former beauty queen. But I wonder how she got to carry a child who is so below par in good looks.

As my 2 days of fever comes to an end, it took this dream to once again remind me that I am the black sheep of my family. Even the last gathering didn’t felt so much different. At least I didn’t hide in the closet or have to hide what I am eating. But still I don’t seem to see any bridge of communication that could ever link me to them. Probably this is part of the reason that I choose to be far away from home and to start anew.

You know, once you get pass the taste, India doesn’t seem that bad after all. I am sure you ladies who swallow get what I mean.