Writings 10.09.2009

Just a year ago, my night reeks of intoxication and fornication; but now it’s quiet; it’s cold; It is like a place beyond an angel’s warmth and I am still on my sick bed and I am sitting here talking to myself. I am here trying to figure out why and how can I be talking to myself when I am only one person? Is there another me inside of me? If the other person inside of me is still me, then tell me why is the other me is constantly in disagreement with me?

I think that every human is a schizoid with multiple personality because we have a heart and a mind that always contradicts each other. Why do something that feels so right can be so wrong when you think about it. I am sure that many of you have experience the pain of wanting something so bad but your mind tells you that you shouldn’t have it or you think you should do something but you feel you should not do it. Especially when it comes to relationship, loving someone can seems so right but after putting much thought and logic in it, instead of being together the answer that you are left with is a goodbye. Why are we made with this huge flaw in us that always gives us the two extremes of something? Why are we are not spare of the decision maelstrom? Many times when we acted on one of them, but it will leave us questioning ourselves of what that could have been and it will end up as an item on out grievance’s list.

Is this what they call Free Will or is it just a constant battle between the heart and mind?

I call this madness. I call it Schizophrenia. I call this God’s greatest creation that comes with a manufacturing flaw.

Fuck, why do we always have to decide which voice inside of us that we want to keep alive?