Scarred by the violence of change; charred by this sentimental break. I hear her start the engine but I looked the other way. Suddenly I feel the weight of the world rest upon my breaking back. Is this what I really want? Am I going to regret this? I twist and turn to try to catch a final glimpse of her but it was too late.
Moments ago, she pulled over and waited at my porch.
You know, there was a time where I would have given up a limp just to have her here but today… today her black compact was like a funeral hearse waiting to give the one last ride to the deceased. Right now, this ride was meant for me. Walking towards her car almost felt like I was doing my death march because I knew that things wasn’t going to be pretty when I get in that car.
She unlocked the door and I found myself stepping into her office. How appropriate, Black Eyed Pea was singing 'I got a feeling…' on the car stereo; she reached down, muted the stereo, looked at me and demanded an answer. But all I could give her was the same old reasons that I gave her the first time and the second time we broke up - “It’s everything.” She wasn't buying it and she was not backing down. I had to put an end to this, no matter how fucking ugly this is going to get or else there will be chorus of these uncalled for visits and confrontations.
So I decided to lie; I turned into a fork tongue and I lied as hard as I could. Ruthless sentences that starts with “I don’t …“& “I’ve never…” joined in the foray. Words once spoken can't be taken back. I knew this and I was ready to accept whatever consequences. Right now to her, I’m the worst person in this world, I was the ultimate asshole. But it’s alright, if it means that her child now has a full time mother and if she doesn't have to divert her attention and affection on a fucking low life adulterer like me, I would gladly bear her loathe and disgust.
As much as my words and actions would hurt her, she will never comprehend the pain that I bear inside; it hurts even more when you have to lie and hurt the one you love. Every part of me says that it was the right thing to do but somehow there’s just this lingering aching pain inside of me that is slowly eating me up like cancer. I feel like I’m breaking from the inside.
I loathe myself so much right now I can’t even bear looking at myself at the mirror anymore.
I'm having the worst headache; I need more pills right now.