How to Protect your Virginity on Valentine’s Day

And you think it is bad to have no gifts from anyone for Valentine, let me tell you what if you are single and heartbroken on the same time on that day? Let me first definite what being single and heartbroken really means:

Single means: The Act of being lonely and by yourself…which include activities of writing shitty poetry, record your thoughts on in journal or diary, or spend the whole day snapping pictures of your hair and your barber, food you eat, broken toenails and updating it hourly on your blog.

Heartbrake means: I am not sure how to explain it to you but I will give you an example of a situation that will definitely give you one and a situation that cause a heartbrake from one of more people at the same time.


When you walked in and saw your girlfriend kissing, and... The next day she instead of being sorry, she was like say "I really think your kinda boring. X is so much more exciting. And plus he has a really nice car." And you go, "But… but… but…he lives in that car." And then she said, "Well Maybe you should try being homeless sometime, it really turns me on." GODDAMN HER! AND HIM TOO, AND HIS LITTLE CAR!”

Oh Fucking God, Why!?!?!?!! Why don’t you come back to me? I thought we were in love! You see I am still wearing this pink tights that I bought so that I could be in the same ballet class with you! And X, I thought we were friends, you were so nice to me by offering your service to me. And then you went and stole my woman! I KILL YOU!!!! (Goes out and find the largest brick to stone X’s car) Oh GOD I’M SO STUPID! WHY DID I LET X DRIVE THE SLUT HOME EVERY NIGHT?”

Ok, now that you know what pathetic means, let me tell you what is worse than that, it is when you are single and your mum’s elder sister set you up for a blind date with her bestie’s daughter who she thinks is an angel, but in real is “Meaty (nice way of putting it)”, ugly and most of all has a reputation of gobbling up innocent virgin like you. (Yes, don’t sway, I am talking about you) And you can’t back out of it because if you do, you will anger your aunty which will disrupt the flow of ANG POW for years to come and also you will also be nag by your mum as a result of her being nag by her elder sister. In other words, you are in dipshit.

Fear not, this is what this post is all about - To save your virginity. First of all don’t panic, let’s look at the bright side. There nothing that a regular girl could do that a meaty (nice way of putting it) girl cannot. Except reaching for her toes, wear a bikini, ride a bike, hmmmm a horse…etc. Wait forget about the last sentence, let me give you a better example, there is nothing a woman can do to a man that a meaty one cannot, except being on top. Shit on me, who am I kidding? Your friends will laugh at you and your sexual orientation. Face it man you are screwed!

You are in a whole lot of shit if you ask me, but there is always a way out.(I think) Since you can’t turn her down because of your family ties, but you can always make her reject you. So this is some ways to make a horny meaty girl who thinks that she has found her lost winning ticket lose interest in you.

If you are thinking of cursing, running to the toilet, covering your head, or kissing a male friend on reach will just turn things worse. So try talking to her and see if you can make her lose her interest and horniness in you. These are some approach:

Be boring: talk at length about your job as a bank clerk better yet an Accountant - lie if necessary. More than that, if you are, let's say, a nuclear scientist, top surgeon, and lead singer for a band, you're simply forbidden to tell any truth.

Be disgusting: talk about how you are not feeling really okay due to the intestinal infection you got from a half-eaten hot dog you found at the bus stop. Tell her how your skin is itchy since you've bet with your friend who could go longer without a bath. Pretend that you don’t know she is watching and start digging your nose, and when you notice she is watching, push it back in again.

Be a man, in the bad sense: talk a lot about sports and laugh vigorously. Scratch your balls. Use the toothpick. Spit aside. Tell her what you will do with all of that surplus meat. Flirt with her female friends (the thin ones if any around). In any case, if you notice she is actually liking the show, change immediately to another subject. Make her feel uneasy. Talk about whales, elephants, pigs and cellulite.

Be weird: no matter what strategy you take regarding the conversation, act as if you are an obsessive-compulsive freak. Blink asynchronously with one eye, then the other. Bend your back until you look like The Notre-Dame Hunchback. Never look her in the eye when talking: keep your sight on one button of your shirt, which you open and close repeatedly.

Fake vomit. Fake cramps. Fake epilepsy. Fake a heart attack. Fake cancer. At this point, you're even morally authorized to fake gayness as a desperation tactic. The last, desperate effort one can do if all other efforts have gone down the shitter; Claim that you have AIDS and that you refuse to use condoms because you are an environmentalist and millions of rubber tree got hurt in the process.

It is time to evaluate your drunkenness my friend, One fact about beer is that the more beer you drink, the thinner - and finer - women will appear to you. Have a good time and say goodbye to your virginity... Just watch out for those cameras unless you wanna be an overnight success over the Internet.


Anyway, this is my first post this year coming from my home sweet home. Besides having fun with Woa Woa, eating pineapple tarts and washing those pineapple tarts which is stuck with Pepsi, I have been looking into my Ang Pow collection. And the one single Ang Pow that I look forward for every Year is the one given by my filthy rich uncle. Usually it will be filled with RM50 notes. But this year, it seems pretty thin and light. Hmmmm…but when I opened it, there was any RM50, just a piece of paper with a lot of zeros on it. Not going to tell you how much the cheque is for but I can tell you it contains more than 4 zeros behind it. It came with a note saying, “Make me Proud”. I really don’t know what to say, but I think I have the greatest family on earth. I ‘ll tell you more in my next post. But first I am going to do is practice hard for my gig tomorrow, then go out and buy myself a PS3 :D :D :D :D

Happy CNY and Valentine from Woa Woa