I Just Took Her in to hurt Myself

I am becoming less define as the days goes by, fading away to be precise. I am losing my focus, kinda like drifting into the abstract. Two days ago I miss the opportunity to feel a 5.4 earth quake not because I was way outside the zone. As a matter of fact I was in the zone which the tremors could be felt, but hell no; I was yet again too baked to feel it. Yes baked as high, stone and in the state of mind when I got myself into the engagement. Right about now, you might think I am some sort of an addict but I would like to call myself a recreation user rather than an abuser. And now you know that the whole engagement thing is basically somewhat a mistake cause but the effects of too much of recreation usage… What have I become? I crave for a relief; I crave for a release, to feed my fear and to feed my pain. Here I go again with my mood poisoning… Is it out of gratitude or to please others that I am doing all this shit? Deep down I search my soul for an inch of me that could convince me that I did it because of the love that I have for her but there is just none to be found, what I found was only grievance, pain and thoughts of a soul who has been laid to rest and someone who belongs to another men. The same old familiar sting, tormenting over and over again, I trying so hard to make it disappear, but I remember everything. Even though I have made up my mind to give it try but time and time again, I get this urge of calling off the engagement. I feel like I am losing myself and the only salvation I find is in the white substance that disconnects me from everything. My dependent for a greater escape has increase, I don’t know how it started but I know how it will end…