The Local Legend

In my iPod: I Dare You - Shinedown
State of mind: High on Speed
Location: Sg. Lembing, MY

So here's the fucking facts: I am just a motherfucking dick hair away from turning 30; I am becoming closer to having a bat's eyesight due to the continuous abuse of my eyes courtesy of blogging and porn appreciation in the pitch dark; I am diagnosed with hypertension because of my destructive lifestyle of excessive alcohol intake and deprivation of sleep; my frequent accidents from macho stunts (but some would say it is just me doing what I do best, that is being a jackass) has left a trail of scars and bruises all over my body and to top it up, I may never fully recover from the accident that I was in a year ago because every time I try pushing myself to the limit it fucking hurts like hell. So in other words, yes I am pretty fucked which some of you may have already know but what I mean here is I am pretty fucked on the inside-out.

"Today xniquet celebrates the one year anniversary of getting his foot smashed on a fucking huge rock while trying to pull a midnight surfing stunt at Teluk Chempedak last year. Not only it turned his fucking foot into a hog's foot but it also gave him the fucking Sepsis. No it isn't VD but it is blood poisoning. xniquet is highly allergy to shell fish. So now you haters know how to kill him."

This isn't a lampoon or a satire in nature but just the fucking facts; you see, to these new kids who think that are so fucking hip because their dad bought them a fucking new bike (not knowing that it gave their dads a wallet meltdown) I was the washed out old fart who should be wearing goofy pants and shoes, and I should playing golf on a Sunday afternoon instead of this. Well fuck that, the only way that they are going to stop me from enjoying my favorite sport of downhill biking is when they fucking put an iron lung on me. I was once their fucking age too but I don't go around bragging about how great my fucking bike is because it costs a whooping RM23K. I have the same shit that they are riding but I don't pull my fucking brake level every time I see a pebble in my riding path. That is fucking pathetic; those faggots are riding their bikes like bitches; it is a fucking insult to the bike because these bikes are made for super rough terrain and going over and through tree trunks, rocks and shit like that. It is not some fucking unicorn soft toy they pet and masturbate to at night before they fucking go to sleep. Downhill bikes are made for speeding and getting trashed. Damn kids these days just like to talk trash and when it comes to backing it up, they are like a bunch of pussies. You know what, I hope they get their face smash up against a tree while riding and their fucking braces gets knock in so deep inside that they will be permanently wearing the bracers for the fucking rest of their life. Nah, I ain't that mean. I was only joking; I would be heartbroken if anything would to happen to that fucking tree.

You know what, if you ask my biking peers and local bike vendors who knows me, I am some sort of a local legend when it comes to downhill biking. Why is it so? Well it is because a couple of years back, I took the steepest downhill ride of them all and I must have broken every goddamn record ever set. But too bad there wasn't any official record. It was said that I rode down that motherfucking hill at 70mph without even using my brakes once. Yeah I know it is hard to believe but that is how the legend goes. Some even said that I was born of dare-devil incubus that is why I was able to complete that feat.

But just to make things clear; yes I did rode down that hill at 70mph and yes I didn't even use my brakes even once. I would if I could because I forgot to put back the clips on my V-brakes before jumping off that hill and I think you can guess the rest. What fucking brakes? I didn't have any brakes at all. I must have been shooting four leave clovers outta my fucking ass that day because I didn't get any serious injury, just minor scratches from the trees and bushes. Local legend? More like a local Idiot if you ask me.

I am getting too old for shit like that, my recovery rate isn't what the fuck it used to be. That is why I switched to hydraulic disc brakes. So this is me blogging from Sg. Lembing, a hick ass town just outside of town which used to be a tin mine town but now it has only Jack and shit and Jack has left town. There's nothing interesting here except for a motor cross track which is why we are here for the last two days of this downhill fun-filled weekend.

You know beside my talent of always getting me in dipshit [1] [2] and also being a local legend (idiot), I am pretty good at getting hurt too. But that is what downhill biking is all about, getting dirty and bloody. It works better when you have someone to go home to, so that you will be pampered and taken care of.

Too bad I ain't got shit waiting for me at home but I am not even going to complain because I simply love this downhill shit too much…

I would never trade this fucking feeling for a life living in the playboy mansion fucking playmates like Hugh Haffner, just gimme an iPod filled with tunes [3] and a steep hill to fucking jump from.


[1] You know I wonder, when there is a quota from stopping the Bumiputeras (aborigines) in Malaysia from getting any dumber by limiting the number of other races from getting in the local universities, why can't there be like a quota for a person from getting themselves into shit? When a man has reached his shit quota, he should be completely immune from it. And I don't mean shit like getting bark at by a nameless mad mungrel in your own tag box (see below) or even getting death threats by anonymous readers for writing post that they deemed was an insult to the Sultan of Perak or much recently some emails saying that Christians will still pray for my condemned soul (I guess it was my previous post); these are nothing to me. What I fucking meant was like getting myself branded as a jackass for doing stupid stunts when all I wanted to do is ride fast. I am always misunderstood… Dear blog, sometimes I think you are the only one that fucking understands me, you now I'll make love to you right now if only you got a vagina…

[2] …but not an anus because I still can't get over the dick cover in shit thing.

[3] Here's a list of songs that you should be packing your iPod with when you are fucking ready to jump that cliff...

  1. My Own Worst Enemy - Saliva feat. Brent Smith
  2. Sound of Madness - Shinedown
  3. Z28 - Static-X
  4. Lifeline - Papa Roach
  5. I Dare You - Shinedown

all the above track can be downloaded at: