Showing posts with label Day Out. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Day Out. Show all posts

Family Bizness


















































































In my iPod: Broken Sunday- Saliva
[download]
State of mind: catching a chill
Location: Kemaman









Just 2 days after the Chinese tradition of grave spring cleaning at my parents' home town - Kemaman. I had to once again drive back there because my grand uncle was moving. He was moving to a nice spot at the upper side of the hills and his address was six feet under.

Have your parents ever make a threat when you were a kid, saying that if you are naughty they are going to let the big black “Keling” (Indian) guy take you home? I got it most of the time when I was just being a pain in the ass; kicking, screaming and rolling on the ground inside the departmental store because my parents didn't wanna get me a set of Lego. But as soon as some pitch black “Keling “ pass by us, my dad could sense my consternation and all he had to do was point towards him and I will automatically shut the hell up. I mean which fucking kid would wanna be brought home by some foul smelling black Indian troglodyte. I think that this is probably one of the many ways Chinese parents flex their muscle to keep their children in line; racist yet effective. I wonder if the Indians say this to their kids when they are fucking pestering them…

Parents giving away their kids may sound absurd but a couple generations back. It was a general practice in small places, just like this small town of Kemaman. People were poor and they would do anything to give their kids a better life, even if it means giving away kids to some better off families. Some of them even practice the barter system. You see, when one family wants to have a girl in the family because they are blessed with just too much dicks in the family, they would exchange the boy with a family who is abundantly overflowing with vaginas at home and is in need of some testosterone. And this doesn't just goes with one race, the exchange takes place even between families of different races. I have yet to confirm a Chinese and Indian transaction. I guess Chinese-Indian transaction is just too cruel for the kid and it would be like a nightmare come true.

Don't believe me? I got proof. Because out of the 4 daughters of my grand uncle, two of them are Muslim. So what? They may have embrace Islam and have their named changed. Well, that true for one of them; the youngest, who elope with a funky smelling Malay guy right after her SPM. But it wasn't for the case for his third daughter, who was also my aunty which I met the first time today. She was given away by my uncle 46 years ago to a Malay family and today was the first time that she came back. Standing there all dressed in a corn flower Malay traditional dress and a white tudung(veil). Everything about her emanates “I am a fucking Malay”, but the only thing that gave her away was her looks. Standing beside my other aunties, how can anyone argue that they were not sisters.

It was one of those really dramatic funerals, the sky was dark and gloomy and it drizzles and occasionally poured. And when they lowered the caskets it rained down so fucking hard, the ground we stood almost gave in. It was almost like one of them scene from a movie when the hero's master dies and the hero vowed for revenged kinda setting. But of course, my uncle lived a good life and died of old age.

They say that death torn families apart, but I am not entirely too sure about that, because today I saw a family being brought back together. I may have lost an grand uncle today but I have gained a new aunty.

If you are still skeptical about this whole kid giveaway thing, here's a living proof. About 100 years ago, a rich lady from China came to Kemaman with 2 children, a girl and a boy. The little girl grew up but could never give birth to any children of her own. But at towards the end of her life, she had two daughters and a son. Her eldest daughter had a son that many have come to know this fucker as x.


Same


















































































In my iPod: Until the End- Breaking Benjamin
[download]
State of mind: heading for a breakdown
Location: home









Just like the years before, it was the same gloomy sky. It drizzled when we started our drive and later it only got worse and started raining heavily when we almost reach our destination. We bought the same type of flowers from the same florist because it was the same old me who was given the task of purchasing flowers but instead my same fucking god given talent of procrastination everything that I am suppose to do yet prioritize things that I am not suppose to, had the best of me. We climbed the same hill to the spot same spot where I was at last year, the place where the remains of my ancestors are laid to rest. Well, I think a lot of you would agree with me when I say; there wouldn't be any complaint if the location stays the same. I'll be damned if the grave moved itself. On our way back, we stopped at the same Hai Peng Coffee shop to have the same cup of coffee that I can never understand why so many same old patron come back over and over again for. To me it is just another bitter cup of fucking over priced coffee and nothing more.

Last year

Every fucking thing we did this year just seems so to be so mechanically identical to the slightest detail to what we usually do on every 清明. Same time, same destination, same sky, same road with same pot hole, same faces, same graves with same names and the same taste of coffee inside the same looking cup and saucer every fucking year.

But just before we are about to leave the coffee shop and head back , I couldn't help but to notice that now our table is one cup of coffee lesser than last year. And it was in that very coffee shop, in front all the many unknown strangers, my tears streamed down. Yet I am not ashamed to wear these warm and salty droplets of infinite sadness on my face because I knew who it was for. I was wrong. No, everything about today is just not the same and nothing about it in the coming years will ever to be the same anymore.

0403 and I just can’t sleep. The wheels in my brain are turning, twisting and rotating, but it is leading me to nowhere. It may seem that I have moved on; but deep down inside, this motherless child is refusing to let go, what has already gone.


The Local Legend

























































































































































In my iPod: I Dare You - Shinedown
[download]
State of mind: High on Speed
Location: Sg. Lembing, MY







So here's the fucking facts: I am just a motherfucking dick hair away from turning 30; I am becoming closer to having a bat's eyesight due to the continuous abuse of my eyes courtesy of blogging and porn appreciation in the pitch dark; I am diagnosed with hypertension because of my destructive lifestyle of excessive alcohol intake and deprivation of sleep; my frequent accidents from macho stunts (but some would say it is just me doing what I do best, that is being a jackass) has left a trail of scars and bruises all over my body and to top it up, I may never fully recover from the accident that I was in a year ago because every time I try pushing myself to the limit it fucking hurts like hell. So in other words, yes I am pretty fucked which some of you may have already know but what I mean here is I am pretty fucked on the inside-out.

"Today xniquet celebrates the one year anniversary of getting his foot smashed on a fucking huge rock while trying to pull a midnight surfing stunt at Teluk Chempedak last year. Not only it turned his fucking foot into a hog's foot but it also gave him the fucking Sepsis. No it isn't VD but it is blood poisoning. xniquet is highly allergy to shell fish. So now you haters know how to kill him."

This isn't a lampoon or a satire in nature but just the fucking facts; you see, to these new kids who think that are so fucking hip because their dad bought them a fucking new bike (not knowing that it gave their dads a wallet meltdown) I was the washed out old fart who should be wearing goofy pants and shoes, and I should playing golf on a Sunday afternoon instead of this. Well fuck that, the only way that they are going to stop me from enjoying my favorite sport of downhill biking is when they fucking put an iron lung on me. I was once their fucking age too but I don't go around bragging about how great my fucking bike is because it costs a whooping RM23K. I have the same shit that they are riding but I don't pull my fucking brake level every time I see a pebble in my riding path. That is fucking pathetic; those faggots are riding their bikes like bitches; it is a fucking insult to the bike because these bikes are made for super rough terrain and going over and through tree trunks, rocks and shit like that. It is not some fucking unicorn soft toy they pet and masturbate to at night before they fucking go to sleep. Downhill bikes are made for speeding and getting trashed. Damn kids these days just like to talk trash and when it comes to backing it up, they are like a bunch of pussies. You know what, I hope they get their face smash up against a tree while riding and their fucking braces gets knock in so deep inside that they will be permanently wearing the bracers for the fucking rest of their life. Nah, I ain't that mean. I was only joking; I would be heartbroken if anything would to happen to that fucking tree.

You know what, if you ask my biking peers and local bike vendors who knows me, I am some sort of a local legend when it comes to downhill biking. Why is it so? Well it is because a couple of years back, I took the steepest downhill ride of them all and I must have broken every goddamn record ever set. But too bad there wasn't any official record. It was said that I rode down that motherfucking hill at 70mph without even using my brakes once. Yeah I know it is hard to believe but that is how the legend goes. Some even said that I was born of dare-devil incubus that is why I was able to complete that feat.

But just to make things clear; yes I did rode down that hill at 70mph and yes I didn't even use my brakes even once. I would if I could because I forgot to put back the clips on my V-brakes before jumping off that hill and I think you can guess the rest. What fucking brakes? I didn't have any brakes at all. I must have been shooting four leave clovers outta my fucking ass that day because I didn't get any serious injury, just minor scratches from the trees and bushes. Local legend? More like a local Idiot if you ask me.

I am getting too old for shit like that, my recovery rate isn't what the fuck it used to be. That is why I switched to hydraulic disc brakes. So this is me blogging from Sg. Lembing, a hick ass town just outside of town which used to be a tin mine town but now it has only Jack and shit and Jack has left town. There's nothing interesting here except for a motor cross track which is why we are here for the last two days of this downhill fun-filled weekend.

You know beside my talent of always getting me in dipshit [1] [2] and also being a local legend (idiot), I am pretty good at getting hurt too. But that is what downhill biking is all about, getting dirty and bloody. It works better when you have someone to go home to, so that you will be pampered and taken care of.

Too bad I ain't got shit waiting for me at home but I am not even going to complain because I simply love this downhill shit too much…

I would never trade this fucking feeling for a life living in the playboy mansion fucking playmates like Hugh Haffner, just gimme an iPod filled with tunes [3] and a steep hill to fucking jump from.

FOOTNOTES:

[1] You know I wonder, when there is a quota from stopping the Bumiputeras (aborigines) in Malaysia from getting any dumber by limiting the number of other races from getting in the local universities, why can't there be like a quota for a person from getting themselves into shit? When a man has reached his shit quota, he should be completely immune from it. And I don't mean shit like getting bark at by a nameless mad mungrel in your own tag box (see below) or even getting death threats by anonymous readers for writing post that they deemed was an insult to the Sultan of Perak or much recently some emails saying that Christians will still pray for my condemned soul (I guess it was my previous post); these are nothing to me. What I fucking meant was like getting myself branded as a jackass for doing stupid stunts when all I wanted to do is ride fast. I am always misunderstood… Dear blog, sometimes I think you are the only one that fucking understands me, you now I'll make love to you right now if only you got a vagina…

[2] …but not an anus because I still can't get over the dick cover in shit thing.

[3] Here's a list of songs that you should be packing your iPod with when you are fucking ready to jump that cliff...

  1. My Own Worst Enemy - Saliva feat. Brent Smith
  2. Sound of Madness - Shinedown
  3. Z28 - Static-X
  4. Lifeline - Papa Roach
  5. I Dare You - Shinedown

all the above track can be downloaded at:

xniquet-wiki



Updates form Under a Coconut Tree
















































































































In my iPod: Forever - Breaking Benjamin
[download]
State of mind: Exhausted
Location: Under a coconut tree in Cherating







So here I am blogging to you inside a car from under a coconut tree in the middle of nowhere around Cherating. I am on a little holiday with my dog woawoa to Cherating and there haven't been a place where I can get any internet access but somehow, I manage to leech someone's internet connection from here. You know what, I have seen many useless motherfucking things being created in my lifetime, for example Starbucks - a place to serve overpriced coffee that taste like water mixed with cigarette butts or TMnet - a Malaysian internet service provider who provides broadband services at dial up speed or MACC (Malaysian Anti Coruption Commitee) – a halo so called independent body formed solely to cover all the dirty work and corruptions of the Malaysian government or Facebook – a place to post your useless pictures and tell the whole world what the fuck are you currently doing, i.e. “xniquet is thinking of taking a crap” or “xniquet is taking a crap” or “xniquet just finished taking a crap”. And followed by comments by friends who are concern about you taking a crap.

I mean get real motherfuckers, when are these fucks ever going to wake up and invent something more useful like providing internet services to cars. And I don't mean that 3G bullshit because they are just too slow. So that people who spend a lot of time in cars can surf/download porn or blog or Facebook in their cars. Imagine how revolutionary it will become when people can Facebook while waiting for the lights to turn green, i.e. “xniquet is waiting for the traffic lights to turn green” or maybe it will spawn a whole new live video feed service of live stalking, i.e. we bring you 24/7 live stalking video streaming to your PC for only 1.99 per week. And maybe taxi cabs drivers can turn their taxi into mobile cybercafés and charge their passengers for internet access fees as side incomes.

Alright enough of that bullfuckingshit already, like I fucking said I am a on a short vacation, just me and my dog woawoa. We are staying at a chalet somewhere near Cherating. I had to get a chalet and a place where it is kinda away from everyone because I can't let woawoa run loose when there are too many people around especially Malays. At night I have to sneak her into the chalet because the owner doesn't let pets into their chalet. Other than that it is all fun, me and woawoa had so much fun at the beach that we decided to bring most of the sand from the beach back into our chalet. Now we can even build a sand castle in there.

As for food, I still haven't found a place where they will let you bring your pet along for dinner because most of them are Malay stalls. So I have to pack our dinner and bring it back to our chalet where we will feast on the bed. Well, here's a little travelling tip, when you absolutely, most definitely have to fucking order something from a fucking Malay food stall which you have no fucking idea what is good; always order “Ayam Masak Merah” (fried chicken in sweet and sour sauce) and you won't fucking go wrong. In the fucking East Coast of Peninsular Malaysia, even the shittiest of Ayam Masak Merah will taste good, trust me. I haven't tasted a bad Ayam Masak Merah in all my fucking life staying here. It has been me and woawoa's daily staple for the past two days, I think we both got some nigga's blood in us because we just loves the fried chicken no matter how they are cooked.

In the fucking daylight, I will spent my time at the beach surfing away while woawoa will be running around the beach, swimming and occasionally barking like a fucking idiot at washed to shore tree trunks. And at every end of the day after dinner, woawoa will be so tired that she dosed off so early leaving me all by myself watching movies after movies on my portable DVD player just to kill the time and wait for the next morning to come so that I can start all over again. I haven't have so much fun doing nothing since I have been living a “doing nothing” life , and all the nights having dinner on the bed and never washing our feet before going to bed is just pure bliss. Man I love being sloppy and dirty! I just hope that the chalet owner won't charge us extra for turning this room into one stinking butt filth.

[Below is a picture of woawoa after her bath, so tired that she just wanna lay there and do nothing]

So you see there aren't anything interesting in my life recently, therefore there aren't anything interesting to blog about. But maybe I could do something like seduce a naïvely dumb Malay Kampong girl with big breast that smell like coconut milk, then make out with her in a nearby Surau (small mosque), get caught by the local religious officials and get sue in a Syariah court. Now wouldn't that be something interesting and worth blogging about? You know what, since my Jacob's ladder have long been replaced by an escalator to hell, maybe I should do it because just like Malaysian made cars and shit, I always have a way to get into them.

P.s. Besides watching them darn movies one after another, I have taken a little of my precious time to write reviews for a couple if not all the movies that I have watched and it is posted in the xniquet-wiki. And just before I left for my vacation, I was in a crepes frenzy, so I made a couple a crepes snacks and their recipe can also be found at the xniquet-wiki.





Ayumi + Bikini + Short Jeans = Death by Hard On
















































































































playing on my iPod:
Sitting, Waiting, Wishing - Jack Johnson
(Anything by Jack Johnson is good when you are drinking away at a beach side pub in the day time)










Here's the fucking question. Who the fuck would wake up early in the morning, have a light breakfast and then go to a bar, drink till they get drunk, go home get sober and well rested before starting it all over again at night. Frankly there are only 2 types of crazy motherfuckers who would risk getting drunk in the middle of broad day light. The first one I guess you already know, commonly known as KELING a.k.a the drunkard Indian lorry driver with blood shot eyes who is always seen sitting in a China man coffee shop no matter what time of the day sipping their beer or Guinness stout; if you don't see them because of the poor lighting, you would probably smell their alcohol stench a fucking mile away. The second crazy motherfucker would be xniquet and the only cock-stain who would be crazy enough to tag along with his completely useless daytime-drink-till-you-get-drunk ritual are usually crazy bitches from Tokyo.

Norie who was out cold today courtesy of her vigorous beer swelling last night, decided to take a rain check and gave me some quality time with Ayumi today. Ayumi who was always ready and willing was up for anything. So we plan to go along with my bright idea that is to get drunk before noon, come home, sober up and get ready to party again at night.

Since Ayumi was nicely dressed for our first date, I needed to make myself a little bit presentable. So I wore a fish net singlet with a white badminton short that exposed most of my two tone tights, flip-flops and a cowboy hat to go with Ayumi candy stripe bikini top and short jeans that lets half her ass out.

Our breakfast was a muffin and a bottle of Gatorade that we purchased from the 7-11. Seeing that Ayumi was only dress in a bikini and a half-ass jeans, going to a China man coffee shop would only gave all the Ah Pek (old China man) having coffee there a hard on which would not be good.




After weighing the possibilities, we decided not to kill any Ah Peks today, so we headed to a place where people in really little clothing are always welcome - Tembeling Bay Inn's Malibu Bar which was open 24/7.


Since this would probably be my only one on one time with Ayumi, I've already something up my fucking sleeve. The best way to get inside a girl was buying her lots and lots of drink with supra ultra high alcohol content. It was a fool proof plan. I am going to get Ayumi as drunk as possible before I pump her like a fucking jam hammer.





...for information of course.




But somehow the more she drank the more excited and hyper she got; up to an extend that she was practically dancing to Jack Johnson's Banana Pancakes and licking the decorative booze bottles in front of us which was making the other people around us feeling a little nervous. So I guess it was time for us to bail, head back and wait for round two tonight.