The Boyfriend Grocery Store

playing on my iPod:
Dried up, Tied and Dead to the World - Marilyn Manson

“Eh x, where to get a bf?”

“The Boyfriend Grocery Store”

“KNS”

“Really one, what type you want?”

“I want a Malaysian bf, let’s see…height around 180cm, medium skin color, not so fair not so tanned and catholic”

“Damn it’s hard like this; I’ll ask the question you answer.”

“K”

“Male or female?”

“Wtf! I want MALE!”

“Just wanna be sure”

“Range of his height?”

“hmmm…175 – 185cm….and weight is ... let's see 80 kg - 90 kgs”

“Smoke and drink?"

"Non smoker and social drinker”

“Anything else?”

“Malaysian in Indonesia”

"Aiya, don’t have la, Malaysian in Malaysia got la.”

“That one u no need to tell”

“Okay, got one almost everything fits all your requirement…”

“Eh...What is this site?? This one can !!!!”

“My special search engine. Wanna see his pic?”

“Yes.”

“&*@^#&*@&^&$ . He's way beyond 88 kg”

"The bear or him?"

"^%$^@%$@%@^@"

“But it says here he is 88kgs, maybe he is on some secret diet…”

“@&^#&*@^#&*@#^&*@#. U think how much he weight ?”

“Maybe 3 times my weight???”

“Ok go find another for me plsssssssss”

“Right, this one?”

“ -________- “

“Can u find a slim dude for me or not? %@%$@#%!^!”

“ Okie , okie..this one? 20kgs less”

“dun wan”

“ok I give up”

“I want a slim one”

“I doubt your taste”

“Getting more awful u know”

"Okies, chill, slim one coming"

"=__="

"What about this one ?"

"Or this one?"

"[real name of xniquet] I WANNA KILL YOU"

"Why? Not slim enuff?"

"SLIM NOT SKINNY !!"

"Okie okie, this is the last one, this is all this world has got to offer, so dun be so picky"

"puQma, dun wan to talk to you"

"Hey, but he is 500cm tall"

"bye"

the xniquet-wiki : What the hell is - The Boyfriend Grocery Store

Suicide Note (Video Log)

playing on iPod:
S.E.X. - Nickelback

Hello there. If you are watching this that means my buddy Mr. Ghostblogger has respected my last wish and published this video log on my blog. Right now, I am already away from all of you to a place which I don’t expect to return but if I do, it will be of unnatural cause and you wouldn’t want that, wouldn’t you? But fear not, even though I am gone but I will always be close to you, especially to those who likes eating beef patties.

A year ago today, I gave Mr. Ghostblogger a note with instruction to open it one year after. The note contains the hidden location of the cameras and videos that you are watching now here. After obtaining the cameras and videos, he is suppose to published it here for all to witness what has really happened to me.

As you can see, I have sneaked in a McDonald’s factory (location withheld) and secretly install cameras to record this event that took place a year ago. From the video below, the person you see taking off all his clothes and climbing in a giant meat grinder that is used to make delicious beef patties is me. When inside the meat grinder, I then took a whole bottle of sleeping pills that was enough to kill me. The next morning, when the machine operator starts the machine, I would have been ground and turned into beautiful patties and then distributed to all the McDonald's outlets to be grilled and make into mouth watery Big Mac, Quarter Pounder, Double Cheeseburger …etc. (Ha, now you know that you don’t really know what is exactly in your McDonald’s Beef Patties that has no taste of beef at all)
You get the picture right? So consider yourself lucky if you have eaten any of beef related products from McDonald's in the past year. It is not every day that you get to eat beef patties tainted with me. Because I believe that the closest relationship a human can be in is their relationship with food. Because all food was once alive and then being consumed into the body and they become part of the body. I don’t know if you could ever comprehend the romanticism in this but being that Valentine is coming up soon, I think it is appropriate to say to those who have eaten me…

I am sorry to have waited a year than to give you a head start of knowing this perfect scheme that I have been plotting. You wouldn’t want a mass hysteria that could result in big amounts of beef patties being recall right? No one wants to walk in a fast food chain that only has chicken on their fucking menu; there’s Kentucky Fucking Chicken for that.
Lastly, with much regret, I sometimes wish I could have nine lives to live instead of one. Then I could probably turn myself into some chicken nuggets or steamy hot Lasagna in Pizza Hut. Well, not to be too optimistic, but I will just have to wait for some copycat suicide to live out my dreams.

P.s. This is the cue for you to puke your fucking guts out.

Adverts:

King of Fucking the Ladies

playing on my iPod:
The Shock of The Lightning - Oasis
[available for download here]

Let me introduce to my fucking time machine, take a seat, buckle up and let it spread its golden wings. Let’s rewind the cassette to my favorite retro track, so that we can play it while we take the trip as time fades from black to back. So now it’s fucking 1993, Kurt Cobain has just shot his fucking head off with a gun, Guns N Roses hasn’t turned all fucking Chinese Democratic, Metallica was still a rock band and none of the Back Street Boys have pubic hair yet.

I was your average 13 year old kid with average school results. Yeah right, if anyone who knew me back then is reading this, they would know that I lied because modesty was one of my best qualities. You could say that everyone have pretty much figured out my future then based on my academic achievement. It seems that I was destined to have a life of minimum wages, flipping burgers to make ends meet. But how I managed to get through my high school and finally get a college education was still a fucking myth and a miracle even to this day .

Back then, I was just coming out of my Purple Rain cassette daze and into a whole new level of Pearl Jam optical compact disc frenzy which is so fucking cool because you don’t have to fucking rewind or fast forward to get to the song that you fucking like; I was coming out from carrot cut pants and LA Gear sneakers with colorful thick ass shoe laces to deliberately torn straight cuts stone-washed jeans and fucking pair of Dr. Martin’s; I was coming out of using that hair mousse shit on my hair to find the many wonders of hair styling gel but only to find out that our fucking school discipline teacher do not share the same enthusiasm . So like many others who share the love of using that fucking gel substance on our hair during school period, we were to wash out our hair every fucking time there was a fucking spot check. Which makes me wonder did she ever question why all our hair are was always wet when she comes for the spot check? But most of all, I was coming out of from the “I hate girls (are the devils)” phase to the “I fucking love girls (are making me erect)" phase in life. Lust erodes me like cancer and horniness slithers in my vein. As soon as I found out that my penis wasn’t just for pissing, all I wanted to do was sticking it every fucking where; to boldly stick in where no teen my age has.

Her name was Jessica Ong and she was the daughter of a preacher man. It was on a Saturday afternoon, her parents were out visiting church members and I was at her place helping out in arranging chairs for Sunday’s service. But I was really there to help Jessica rearrange her chastity or should I say ours.

So there it was, Jessica, me and the whole fucking church to ourselves and with the fucking God Almighty as our fucking witness, we were ready to fuck in the bible study room. Both of us had no prior experience in fucking but it didn’t stop us from wanting to because we were horny like a couple of bunnies in heat. Even though I was 2 years younger than Jessica but I was the only one who did some sex research; when I say sex research, it wasn’t like reading up on some low life’s blog section on HTML: how to make love. Hell no, the fucking year was 1993 and in Kuantan, we were still a fucking Amish community, there wasn’t any fucking internet. The only thing closest to a sex guide then was the video tape that was wrapped in newspaper hidden in my father’s tool box. Yes, I have spent my hours watching that low grade porno flick, trying to perfect my fucking skills.

So equipped with only the knowledge that has been handed down to me by a fungus filled porno video tape, I was ready to deflower Jessica. I slowly peel off Jessica’s clothes, one by one to reveal her cherry like pink nipples and bushy lawn between her legs. No, Venus was not in fur but this one was in bare skin and she was so motherfucking damn fine that I was on the fucking verge of having a pre-matured spontaneous combustion in my pants but I knew that was all wrong because the guy is suppose to spray his cum on the girls face (I learned that from the porno tape).

So after a little stage one foreplay of tongue crossing, breast groping, nipple twisting and ass spanking, I was ready to move to stage two – licking the bush. So I went down on Jessica and not knowing that I shouldn’t take “licking” the bush literally. I was down there licking my tongue off on Jessica but somehow she didn’t moan or scream (like the girls in the porno flick), in fact she said she didn’t even feel a fucking thing. But I persisted and was determined to find the sweet spot that was going to make her squeal like the girls in that porno flick but it was taking far too long and we had to fucking pull the plug when we heard the church van pulling over.

The next Saturday, I call Jessica to get my second try out but somehow she wasn’t interested in it anymore. That was pretty much how we drifted apart. I was confused about it for a while but you know what I found out later? Motherfucker, did you know there was such a thing call the clitoris and you are suppose to lick that motherfucker instead of the fucking pubic hair. No wonder it tasted like pee and her pubic hair keeps getting stuck on my tongue and teeth. I told a friend about it and he tried to comfort me by saying that maybe the clit was only discovered in the late 90s. Yeah, I know he is a dick but a dick with good intention.

If you ask me how I feel about the whole thing, I would say with much regret... regret that I didn't get to go to stage three where I shove my whole fist into her vagina (just like the porno flick) and then maybe she would be calling out for more (well, the girl in the porno flick did). Technically, I don’t think that incident can be consider as my first time but one thing I know for sure. If I knew back then what I know right now, you know I’ll be the king of fucking the ladies.

P.S. To those who would like to know, stage four is where I am suppose to yank her head by the hair, spit in her mouth and then shove my penis into her mouth all the way. (Hey, I am just following exactly what the porno flick teaches)

P.S.S. For your Information, the title of the porno flick is call “Madam Barbara and the Chamber of Pain”

Who the Fuck Needs Them

playing on my iPod:
Never Gonna Be Alone - Nickelback

You tell them that you wanna sleep early and go to work the next morning, they fucking laugh at your face. You try to wake up early in the morning, they say that you were up all night and you didn’t sleep. You don’t utter a single profanity a whole day; they say something is wrong with you. You don’t check out the hot chic that just passes you by, they say something is bothering you. You take a rain check on a drinking session; they wanna take you to a doctor. Let’s face it, being like everyone else is never my strong point that is why I am better off being a pariah.

So here I am not waiting for any fucking answers on a Sunday afternoon. I am just too drunk to remember why. The drugs and fake ambitions are there helping me to hide and the meaningless sex has kept me sane all this time. I used to felt like rock bottom and there is nothing beneath. Right now there‘s rock bottom, 50 feet of crap and then me smack down below it. When I am drunk enough, I will be driving away from this car crash nightmare to a house that is build out in Hades somewhere.

Somehow I feel sad when it shouldn’t be…

Pussy Phone

playing on my iPod:
Never Gonna Be Alone - Nickelback

“Dude, you have a fucking vagina on your phone.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“This is so wrong. It feels like pressing a vagina on your ears every time you listen to the phone.”

“Every guy likes the feeling of being close to the best thing in this world.”

“But I am a girl, I feel so dirty after using your phone.”

“Don’t worry; I have a bottle of female hygiene cleanser at home. I’ll use it to clean my phone so that you won’t feel 'dirty' the next time you use my phone. “

“WTF?!!! Why do you have that cleanser with you?”

“Long Story, but to cut it short… it was a prank I played on a guy friend who came for a sleep over. He wanted to use a facial cleanser, so I gave him something to cleanse his face with. “

“Damn, you are not only gross, you are mean. Why can’t you be like any other normal guy who puts their girlfriend’s picture as the wallpaper? I happened to think that gesture is really sweet.”

“On the contrary, I have all my girlfriends’ picture on it. That picture pretty much sums it all.”

“YOU ARE REALLY SICK !”

“Thank you “

Tailor-Made for Penis Erection

playing on my iPod:
House of Jazz - AC/DC

It was a dull and boring Wednesday afternoon at Malibu's Bar; unattractive over-sized women draped in undersized clothes (think over-filled chinese meat dumplings "BAK CHANG") was floating around the bar like house flies hovering around heaps of trash looking for a juicy pile of crap to lay maggots.

*Yawns. Excuse my rudeness, but recalling that particular moment bored the fucking shit outta me.

I was down to my second glass of Long Beach Tea when I fucking saw her. Artificial blonde, black tube and an arm band tattoo; thick ass and pointy tits that look like she got it from a high class silcone grocery store. With a face of a Seraph and the body of a Succubi, she sat right next beside me. It was too fucking easy, just like a juicy piece of top grade choice cut placed in front of a famished cannibal, she was ready to be taken in.

You know I could smell her fucking hair and it gave me the thrill; her collar bones were sending me the chills and her fucking hips could make me fill…fill a cup full of semen juice. She stands for everything God have created women for, she was solely made for one fucking reason. Just like the Mother Teressa of all hard on's. She was tailored-made by the fucking divine to give men of all age, size and race a full frontal penile erection. Damnit, these are fucking days when every men with functioning penises are glad to be men. It was also the day when finally a wrenched like me agrees and understood God in the Holy Fucking Bible, when he said in Genesis 1:28 “Be fruitful and increase in number”. Seriously, you don't have to be a fucking bible scholar to understand that bible verse. Well, if you don't, here's the translation in layman terms… “Go Fuck”

But why God why? Fuck why? Why must it be on the day when I am still on a no-sex strike? Fuck that, I am so close yet so far. 11 more days to go before I remove the shrink wrapped around my penis and put it to full use.

*sigh. At the mean time, remember the mind is over the fucking matter and keep saying to myself…

Reunion?

playing on my iPod:
Canon in D - Vienna Boys Choir
(but it sounded more like "O Fortuna" to me today)

6:01pm First fucking day of the fucking Chinese Lunar New Year, I am looking at my own fucking reflection in the mirror, feeling like my whole existence is flawed and wondering what the fuck went wrong. You see I decided to stop being so Amish and drop my habit of plucking my eyebrow and usher myself into a new era of eyebrow grooming with my new electric eyebrow trimmer that I purchased from Watson. Just under RM13.00, this baby guarantees you an easy and pain free eyebrow shaping experience But it never said it was free of any grooming accident. Now with my hair tied back, I fucking looked like a transvestite; with a little eyeliner, mascara, lip gloss and a hot party dress; I would be ready to hit the street. Fuck that shit! But that wasn’t what that was really bothering me.

I needed a dosage of music to turn my frown upside down. Nope heavy ass metal won’t do, so I turn to some Baroque. I scroll down my iPod to find Vivaldi’s Four Seasons – Spring 1st Allegro. I was hoping that it would be uplifting but somehow today it sounded more like Winter to me. I let out a breath but it wasn’t of relief but of dreadfulness. In less than an hour, I will be in a 5 Star Restaurant having my annual family reunion dinner but with the amount of people that will be there, it felt more like a clan dinner. This is the fucking lowest point of my festivity because I am such a party pooper. If there was a party vigilante, I would fucking be on top of his hit list. But maybe it is just me growing into a full bloom green fur Grinch that fucking hates Chinese New Year or I am slowly turning into a fucking hermit who dislikes the presences of noisy cum nosey family members around me. I don’t see what is the big fucking deal with the whole reunion shit. They don’t call or talk or take notice of me on other days of the year but right now they wanna pretend to be interested in how my fucking life has been the past year and suddenly want me to be their buddy?

As usual my dad will be seated with his peers and if there is ever a conversation brought up about me in that table, it would be whether I am a fucking Goat or a fucking Monkey because I was the only one in the family who was born early January which raises the question of which Chinese Horoscope Livestock I fall into. While the talk about livestock rages on there, I am left seated in a table with my peers of which I am the youngest and only one without any offspring. Well, I could be seated with my nephews and nieces on the other table but I would have to communicate with them in diapers and nursery rhymes, so I rather take my chances seated in this fucking table.

And so with the ceiling mounted speaker playing Chinese New Year Songs above my head, I put on my fakest smile and try to be pleasant, merry and joyous as I try to survive this year’s dinner.

As the dishes started to roll out, the questions started to roll in. For crying out loud and for the 100th time, I am no longer in college and yes I am working...well, almost, but that wasn't the whole fucking point. You wouldn’t know the torment I was in, between the tiger prawn and abalone and also the steam sea bass and scallop , I was practically praying to all the gods and angels like a fucking pagan and if I was able to go on my knees I would have been praying like Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane asking the fucking almighty to take this cup away from me.



10:44pm my ordeal was coming to an end, now I just have to continue on holding this fucking fake smile as I say my goodbyes, get into my car and bullet from there like a bat outta hell.

With Bach’s Air on G string playing in the background(yes, today i was rather in the mood for some soft strings and cello rather than the sound of guitars in overdrive), my first day of the Fucking Chinese Cow Year draws to an end, and like usual I took out the red packets that I have collected from the dinner and was about to put them inside my car as emergency cash (now you know where i keep my red packet cash), I notice something that I never realized until now. My name was written on every fucking single red packet; I went through all the red packets that I have collected throughout the years and my name was on every one of it. You know what, that scribbled name on the side of the red packet meant more than the 100s and 50s notes inside of it; it meant that that particular red packet was for me and only me. I was fucking speechless, how could I be so fucking blind?

Now I fucking see that even though it is just so amazing; amazingly how much they and I have nothing in common, yet it has never stopped them from trying to get close to me and no matter how much of an alien, pariah, or an outcast I am to them, I was still fucking family to them and will always be.


So my festivity had a rough start unlike her's - it was a walk in the park all the way from the start... "Peanuts and TV"

Lastly, I haven't been getting much interesting hate mails lately except for this dude/babe who totally loath my anorexic post. And I thought the last hate mail was lenghty and hard to understand, wait till you see THIS ONE.