Kung Fu Sex 2: The Chastity Breaking Monk

Since the beginning time, men have been trying like hell to get into the pants of women; but women being the fussy ones were trying to keep men out of her pants and only let in a few good ones in. Even though both men and women were created equally horny, but somehow, the men’s penis always gets the best of them and women seems to have a built in “on” and “off” sex switch which they can use it at their disposal.

500 years ago, a group ancient monks of the east who was staying next to some hot nuns was sick and tired of jerking off and were trying like hell to get into the pants of nuns; you see most of these monks was sent by their parents into the monastery and did not on their freewill sworn to have a sexless life. And this was one of their motivations, to get laid with them hot nuns next door before they bite the dust. But the determination of the nun to keep their chastity intact was so strong that all attempts by these horny monks did not avail. So these monks introduced human body studies into their curriculum hoping to find a way to get laid with these nuns which made them really good physician only. But in the end, there was a exceptional monk who did not have any interested in studying how the body works but only had a dream of opening a body massage parlor found out that when God created women, He placed several sex chakra or button on the body of the women, so that when the sense of touch and pressure are given to these places, you are not only unleashing the inner beast and leaving her craving for the dick, tongue or something else (use your imagination) but you are also preparing her up for the ultimate orgasm rush. This is the first known documented instruction for foreplay known to men. No tongue, saliva or toys are required because it is an ancient Chinese acupressure massaging technique that only uses your thumb and palms to sex her up and breaking down all her sex resistance. Remember to warm your hands by rubbing them together and then make firm circles in these hot spots:

THE CENTER OF HER CHEST, AROUND HER BREAST BONE

This is to ease off all her anxiety and resistance to sex. It induces calm by “opening the heart”

DOWN BOTH SIDES OF HER SPINES, TO HER LOWER BACK

Here you are directing warm energy from her upper body to her pelvis.

HER BELLY, FRO NAVEL DOWN TO HER PUBIC BONE

It is physical center of the body and ultimately critical to a person’s sexual satisfaction.

INNER LEGS, WORKING FROM ANKLE UP

Arouses the energy line that begins at the big toe ad moves up her leg and to her groin area.

And your think breast grouping, vagina rubbing or pussy chowing would take you far, think again. Applying pressure to those offensives areas would only anger her when she is not in the mood. Trust me you wouldn’t wanna rub a pussy the wrong way. But these spots may not be those areas where guys would usually go for; it would only make you appear to be giving her a relaxing massage but instead you are sexing her up by applying a little pressure to these spots that she can’t resist and before the night is over you will be humping her like a wilder beast. If you are skeptical about the whole thing, you can always use the Zen fingers to check out the level of moistness that the above technique has gotten her. Remember when she is mad at you for some absurd reasons like forgetting anniversary or her birthday and uses her ultimate weapon – the no-sex-for-you strike, the above technique is the best counterstrike, when you are through with it she will be asking for more.

How to Do a Tombstone Pile Driver on your Girlfriend

Firstly I would like to take back all the claims that I would pile drive anyone of you especially if you are a guy. Because at least until today, I thought that a pile driver was only a wrestling move. A pile driver is also an acrobatic sexual positions offer both partners the chance to enjoy new sensations and feelings. Wrestling fans will enjoy the pile driver position.

To Execute the Tombstone Pile Driver on your Girlfriend

Since this is an xniquet’s how to post, let me show you how a pile driver (wrestling type) is being done. A pile driver is actually a very powerful move which can end matches, just look at the undertaker’s tombstone pile driver. It is a variant of the traditional pile driver but it is as lethal. So I thought it will be cool to teach you how to do the Undertaker’s tombstone pile driver:

-First you must stunt your girlfriend by choke slamming them (choke hold your girlfriend by the neck and then elevating them to the air and the slamming their back on the ground) But if that is too much for you, just kick your girlfriend in the stomach.

-Scoop you girlfriend up so that they are vertical mid air in the position of belly to belly with the girlfriend’s feet facing the sky and their face on your crotch. (See pic). Holding your arms around them, make sure your girlfriend head is above your knees.

-Falling down on your knees to finish the move and wait for the 3 count.

So there you have it, you have just done a legendary wrestling move which of course you can do it to your girlfriend when she is naughty or in need of some smacking because girls just loves a manly man and also someone who isn’t afraid of doing things to her physically.

Warning:
-Make sure that you are both comfortable and feel safe.

-Don't drop opponent on their head.

-Their head has to be above the knees, as otherwise you could kill them or seriously damage them.

-Only do this move if you are trained wrestler (or thinks you are one), a rebel who does banned moves anyway, or you are xniquet. (He does pile drivers to keep his girlfriend in line; the many benefits of being his girlfriend)



Facts: xniquet has successfully executed 3 tombstone pile driver on Lisa. No kidding, she likes it because she is a wrestling fan too.

Performing The Pile Driver Sex Position

Next, I am going to show you how to do a pile driver (sexual position) which you can show off to your sex partner. The pile driver sexual position is compatible to anal and vaginal sex, which heterosexual couples or two women (with strapped on dildo) or two men can performed.



To perform this position - the women must:

• Remove panties and any clothing that may cover your vagina.
• Lay down on the floor and then lifting your legs up with the back of your feet facing the sky.
• Use your arms and hands to prop up your back and buttocks. Begin to relax your legs so they are spread open between 12 and 24 inches.
• As your partner enters you, he will likely hold on to your legs to better control thrusting.

To perform this position - the men must:

• Remove pants and underwear and get your penis erected.
• Approach your partner after she has positioned herself with her legs, buttocks facing skywards.
• Bend your erect penis so it faces down, toward her vagina.
• Gently and slowly insert your erect, bent penis into her vagina.
• Grip her upper thighs to reposition her higher or lower and to brace yourself.
• Bend your knees or bend over to adjust your position.
• Thrust with your hips.

If you are still not sure how a pile driver position, take a look at this diagram, it would roughly give you a picture of what a pile driver position looks like.





Warning:
-Do not perform this while intoxicated by alcohol or drugs.

-This can be a painful position to perform if the man’s penis doesn’t bend significantly in a downward direction.


Facts: on how many times xniquet has pile drive his girl friends, none of your business.

The Car She Drives Tells You What She is like in Bed

So how do you find out more about a girl that you really like. Really like to bed that is. Besides reading her blog (if she has one), or preying on her Friendster, MySpace accounts, yet you still can’t find out how and what type of a girl she is in bed? But recent study shows that that is a significant correlation between the type of car a girl drives and the type of personality she has in bed. So instead of going to her place in the late of the night to stalk her or to dig up her trash can. You might just wanna find out what she is driving or the type of vehicle she would like to be on, to find out what type of girl she is in bed.











The Compact Car Girl (i.e. Produa Kancil)
She values practicality and lives to be low-maintenance. You don’t need to be bleeding cash on a date with her. Size doesn’t matter to her in bed as long as they are functional.








The Utility Van Brood (i.e. Renault Kangoo)
She is an easy going girl and is looking for a guy who is solid and dependable just like her ride. She also plans to get a guy who is going to take control of her in bed.








The Sport Utility Vehicle Damsel (i.e. RAV4)
She is adventurous and she has a high energy level. The bigger the SUV that she drives the bigger her self centeredness is. In bed, it is all about pleasing her, show some results or you’ll be spinning off her bed so fast, you didn’t even see it coming.








The Status Car Women (i.e. Lexus)
Successful, aggressive and confident; the lady who drives a Lexus seeks the same in men. But don’t be intimidated with her successbecause underneath it all, she is warm and needs tender, loving and care and not to mention a good humping from time to time.








The Super Car Babe (i.e. Ferrari)
This babe is all about the limelight. Giving all the limelight is always not sufficient. The best way to get in her pants is by complimenting your ass off. In bed, anything goes baby, as long as it is not the long, boring normal sex. If you are into experimental sex, this is the babe to be with.








The Vintage Car Lady (i.e. Volkswagen Beetle 71)
This shows she needs space and appreciates classic quality. Being a gentlemen and down to earth will definitely get you into her good book. Don’t expect to have sex with her on your first date or second or third…. She is traditional and may take a little while to warm up to the idea of pre-marital sex.







Last but not least,
The Honda Cup Minah (i.e. Honda C70)
Anything goes for her since she wouldn’t mind being caught dead riding that piece of junk. She would even do you on the seat of the bike because it has been seen and filmed down before. Please check your local porn provider for the video clip.

I have to admit when it comes to cars, I am a noobie. so special thanks to Calv of Recorded Moments for helping me out on sorting what car is what car.

The Holy Grail of Female Orgasm

Seriously, I was asked to research and do a post on how to make female squirt water during sex sometime ago by 2 married ladies on the MSN. I was in no position to do so because at that time of my life, I have never ever made or witness a real life water squirting female. But determined to do so, I have dedicated my time and effort in examining the secret behind the springing fountain that lies between the legs of a women. It’s been almost a year now and I think I have did enough research and test to proudly present you with a tutorial on how to make a female squirt water during intercourse.

Basically the phenomenon of springing water from between the legs of the lady is also known as the female ejaculation. When women ejaculate as much as two cups of ejaculate can gush out, that is more than a can of Pepsi we are talking about. Many women have been accused of urinating on their partners. And this has caused embarrassment and confusions. But you see heavy stimulation to the G-spot causes the urethral sponge to become engorged with fluid, which is then exploded out during orgasm. Before ejaculating, the woman will feel as though she is going to pee. However, it is impossible for her to pee while cumming because the muscular contractions of orgasm close off the bladder and prevent the passage of urine. So ladies don’t have to be embarrassed about it and guys don’t have to be pissed about it because the shower that you just had is merely an indication that you have been doing it all right. So to achieve this amazing feat, first of all you must locate the G-spot and then administer a shit load of stimulation to it. To help you in stimulating the G-spot, please refer to this post. – How to Kung Fu Sex. As you work your stuff and building up juices down there, remember when the female is nearing cumming, she will have the urge of peeing. That's the cum beginning to flow into her urethra. In order for her squirt water like a fucking fountain, she has to relax, let go, and push down and out with the same muscles she would use as if she were peeing. As she cums and pushes the fluid out, she should feel extra intense orgasmic pleasure, vagina nectar that flow out may range from gentle gush to a fire hydrant spray.


Attaining female ejaculation may take some practice and experimentation and remember it takes two to make the fountain works and a very useful tip for those who is going to experiment on this ….one word….”towels”…lots of them.



*This post is done upon request, if you have anymore things you would like to learn , please email your request .

how to get laid with unknown women you just met

So you wanna be cured of your disease which the world call virginity, or you wanna remove all the cobwebs that is beginning to gather around your penis; you have just read x’s guide on how to Kung Fu sex but have no one to try it on; maybe you are just here to make sure what I have here really works by practicing it, because you don’t wanna be hypo-critical. Basically you are looking for a member of the opposite sex (or same sex, if you are a homo) and it involves Sex, Beds, The lack of clothes, Alcohol, Never talking to the person and sometimes a dose of pregnancy. If what you really need is to get laid with some stranger and commitment is the last thing on your mind. You have come to the right place. So what you are saying is you wanna have a one-night stand.

Welcome to your Complete Guide to One-Night Standing

Where do I find my one-night stand?
One-night stands are not hard to find, as pathetic, easy, or grief-stricken women are everywhere, ie. bars, clubs, parks, supermarket(if you are looking for MILFs)…etc. Once you have found your one-night stand, you must find a way to approach her with the proposition of sex and at this time it is unwise to make your intentions of never seeing her again known.




Do I get to know my one-night stand better first?
Don't. It will only make you feel bad while you quietly sneak out of her bedroom at six in the morning. A one-night stand relationship is entirely built on Bull-shitting, so remember to bull-shit your way into getting in her pants.




Fuck it already, how do I actually get my one-night stand to fucking one-night stand with me?
Alright, I am not going to be judgmental, but judging you for wanting to read this article, you could either be a nerd with glasses as huge as your monitor who has a level 100 world of warcraft character, an overage virgin who has never touch real boobies or someone who has the look and grace of a road kill. Fear not, help is here. There are simply two method of getting your one-night stand, with or without using special substance method. Further elaboration will be as below:


Without special substance method:
Look for a suitable candidate. Actually, any female is okay. As long as she has a vagina, she passes inspection. Hotness is optional. Now remember: since you're not using special substances to aid your cause, you should probably really lower your standards. Get her to like you. Do this as you would with a girl you would want to have a relationship with. Say you just inherited millions of dollars and have to get it worked out with your grandmother's lawyers so you can start spending it. Explain that your BWM was T-Boned by a drunk driver and your Mercedes is in the shop and you are stuck with your butler’s lousy Proton (Malayisan made car). If you want to get her sympathy, tell her you have an inoperable cancer and will die in a matter of weeks. Remember to buy her plenty of drinks because the more drunk she is, the more believable and impressive your bullshit stories are. You can also try to convince her she's unattractive and that you pity her and is doing her a favor by sleeping with her. These techniques if used properly will ensure that even the most unattractive women will sleep with you the same night you meet them. If everything is going well, find a suitable room to have sex with her in or if she already knows that you don't plan on ever seeing her again, go ahead and do it in a public toilet.

With special substance method:
Find any female. As long as she's single, it's okay. Find the hottest single girl in the world if you want. What you are about to commit is a little something called kidnap and date rape, which is not technically a one-night stand by most counts. The only disadvantage of having a hotter girl is having a tougher time convincing the jury to consider your case for even a second. Buy her one drink. Make sure she likes it, or else you might be wasting your money. Convince her to look away. This can most easily be done by paying a guy who looks like a celebrity to walk by and pointing him out. While she is looking away, slip something into her drink to knock her out cold. When she does, wait for her to slump over into your lap. This is your chance to escort her out and look like you're being friendly by driving her home. Have sex with her cold, unconscious body. Make sure your clean her off afterwards very thoroughly, or else DNA testing will cause you to be caught for sure.



Lastly, my words of wisdom to you, please use protection whether you are practicing the without or with special substance method, but in any case she got pregnant and is looking for a way to trap you into a confession, always use “SHE RAPED ME” as a defense.

Thanks you and have a nice day!

Malaysia's Politician's Favorite Pastime: a pain free anal sex guide

Maybe there is a significant design flaw in human. I wonder what was going through the Maker’s head when he decided to place the anus just roughly more than one inch apart from the vagina and then give human the free will to choose. By doing so, people get confused and might insert the penis into the wrong hole, don’t tell me you have never knock on the wrong door, even when you are holding the correct address, no? I am sure by now, if you Google on what the fuck is happening in Malaysia now, you might get some hits on” Sodomy” or “Anal Sex”.  Apparently it seems that both of our country’s Deputy Prime Ministers (current and ex) loves the chocolate star fish and I guess they have been listening to the Butthole Surfers one too many times. Me loves this little art piece hijacked from loopymeal.blogspot.com. It pretty much sums it all.

I am sure some of you are already sick and tired of reading about who has been to who’s butthole and is curious on how the fuck does it feel to take a dip in the ass or being dip in the ass? Why not try it out, here is a anal sex for dummies guide, for all you ass enthusiast. 

Asking for Anal Sex:

First of all, to have anal sex you gotta get a partner who is willing to do so. Therefore, the first step of doing anal sex is actually asking your partner for anal sex. Here are some simple steps in helping you do so:

Things need: the determination of having anal sex and a pair of balls

Guide: When you meet up with your partner make sure they are in a good mood that day and try to keep it that way. Try to butter them up by buying flowers or chocolate, it will help. Make sure they did not have anything extremely spicy for their meals in the last 24 hours e.g. : Hot Mexican Chilli, Tom Yum, Sambal Belacan especially with Petai...etc. Once this is done,you are ready to rock and roll. While beginning foreplay, try giving them a nudge or a few pokes around their rectum area to see how they feel about it. If their eyes suddenly lights up or they give you a big reaction, cool off and focus on other areas for a while and then come back and knock on their anus door again. If their reaction is a playful wink or a bit of a nod or a moan, congratulation, you have just successfully gotten the green light, the shit ass gate is open wide and you are ready to proceed. 

Anal Sex for Absolute Beginners:

Even though anal sex is not like launching a rocket, but a lot of prep work needs to be done because unlike the vagina, your anus is not designed to take in any penis. 

Clean up: make sure you clean that bowel before you proceed, you wouldn’t want to get a chocolate coated penis right? let me put it simply this way, if you are totally afraid of getting a little feces on your dick, anal sex is not for you. 

Lubrication: since the anus doesn’t have a self lubricating mechanism, you will have to make sure you have enough lubrication on both ends – the penis and the anus. Insufficient lubs will only result in the feeling of being masturbated with sand paper. Some Vaseline or good old K-Y jelly should do the trick.

Relax: Once both the above are done, make sure your partner is relaxed, because most of the time anal sex hurts is because lack of relaxation. Try to give her a good massage and use that fucking fingers and tongue of yours to give a good old ass rimming before introducing her to your shaft. Remember relaxation is the key word in having a pain free anal experience.

Time to cum: when you are not wearing any condom, try not to cream pie or cum inside your partner on their first time. Cum are very salty and can be quite painful on abrasions and cuts that may occur. 

Anal should be a healthy and fun activity for heterosexual and also homosexual orientated person,   so remember to get your partner’s consent and always lub up before entering. Have a nice day!