Make Girls Wet by becoming the Grill Fucking Master

playing on my iPod:
Hells Bells - AC/DC

I am fucking sure that many of you would agree (especially guys) when I say the place of a man in the kitchen is sitting down and enjoy the warm and delicious meal that his woman has toll all day long on the stove to make. But sometimes when the meal is just mediocre, the women should throw in a cold beer just to get some extra loving points, and while they are at it, they might as well throw in a blow job after the meal. Any man would probably agree with me that that would be the best dining experience ever. I am not being a chauvinist or anything, but it is the society that decides that this is actually what man and woman's role should be when it comes to the fucking kitchen: women - cook delicious meal and give the blow job; men - eat delicious meal and take the blow job. Hey don't fucking blame me, blame the fucking system.

But when it comes to the mother fucking grill or barbecue pit; it is a man's world and there is no argument about that. Never send a woman to do a man's work because men are kings of the motherfucking grill; we owned that shit. I bet you heard of the phrase King of the Grill and there is no such a thing as Queen of the Grill. It doesn't fucking exist, so fucking deal with it. And nothing spells macho or manliness like a man who knows how to control his fucking grill. When there is a barbecue, never let any women touch your fucking grill, instead ask them to be seated and watch the grill fucking master go into action.

Remember when there is a barbecue that means it is the best time for you to flex your macho muscle and show off your manliness to keep your flock in line. Did I say flock? What I mean were ladies. That is why, wearing the proper attire is very important. Always wear a black band tee with your favorite rock band's name or logo across your chest. If you have a very muscular arm or better yet tattoo, remember to rip off the sleeve, so that the ladies see how fucking macho you are when you fucking work the grill. But if you are too skinning, too fat or too fair, wear long sleeves with your favorite band name written across it. Think baggy cargo or army short pants to go with a loafers or Crocs (any color except pink). If it is not yet night time and it is still bright, remember to wear some cool shades but when it gets dark, remember to take it off before it becomes too misleading.

And here are some extra barbecue ethics you should adhere to when you are working the motherfucking grill. Hold 12" barbecue tongs (should be in direct measurement of your unit) in one hand and a bottle of beer in the other while listening to some manly music which doesn't include any hip-hop, EMO or boy band shit. Instead some classic hard rock music goes very well with the atmosphere. Here are some songs to get you started, "Queen - Don't Stop Me Now", "Nazareth- Hair of the Dog" "AC/DC - Back in Black" and of course my favorite "The Village People - Macho Man" Remember to bang your head slightly to the music as you wait for the meat to cook but not too much. Lastly, this is very important, every time, I repeat EVERY TIME someone (male or female) comes within 3 meter radius of your fucking grill; say "Careful, it is hot here!" and remember to say it loud and clear so that the ladies sitting far away can hear.

If you follow everything that I have taught you above during a barbecue, there isn't a single fucking doubt that you would be making a lot of ladies sitting there watching you get moist in between their legs. When it comes to serving the food, remember to add a little touch of Gordon Ramsay to it. Garnish it with a little green salad, slices of lime, if you have fish and whip up a little Teriyaki sauce to go with the meat. With all the manliness that you have just displayed while you were working that fucking grill and now the finesse in serving the food, you have not only successfully make the ladies wet to their panties but also melt down their defenses. If she is horny enough, you would just have to go in for the kill and seal the deal. Before the night is through, you would be on your knees with her ankles resting on your shoulders, pumping her like a fucking dumb bell.

Anyway, I wrote this post because I just had a great 2 person home garden barbecue dinner yesterday with someone who refuses to be named for now; but knowing my readers' twisted mind, I would have to say "NO", that person is a SHE and is not a transvestite. Thank you.

We had some fucking chicken...

...and some fucking fish...

...with my motherfucking special home-made Teriyaki sauce.

recipe available in the xniquet-wiki: Fucking Teriyaki Sauce

how to convert .flv to .wmv so that you can watch porn during work

Have you ever felt like an idiot after knowing that what you wanted so badly was there all along? Thinking back on how many hours you spent searching for that something that you need and couldn’t find, made your mood like shit, binge and purge all day. The fucking truth is I was thankful the day I learned how to rip and download those videos from YouTube and thanks to Chingy who introduced me to the wonders of VLC media player (get it here for free yayy!!!) I was able to watch those downloaded .flv format videos. But the matter of the fucking fact is with .flv videos you can’t fast forward. Dragging the indicator on the video status bar would only stop the video and you have to watch the whole damn thing again. So being sick and tired of having to wait or having to watch the whole damn thing again, I set out to find a converter that could change .flv format videos to something else that would allow me to fast forward to parts which I miss and better yet compatible with my windows mobile, so that I can watch ‘em video clips on my pocket pc.

I Google, Yahoo, AOL and even risk my PC to search for a program within the P2P networks. (didn’t your Mama taught you to never use this P2P shit for programs or you will end up with a virus instead) All I end up is a couple of shareware which only allows you to convert for a certain amount of time period or time or they will limit your video conversion to about 5 minutes. I wasn’t really looking forward to pay for anything from the internet because I believe that things from the internet should be a free like MP3s, movies and porno. Well, that is just me; maybe after I start my own internet business I would think otherwise but for now, free is good. But the most motherfucking KNNCCB shit cock ass vagina thing about this whole donkey ass ordeal was after looking for a converter for months, I only realized I had the fucking program in my lappie all along. [Yeah, don't you dare laugh and you know who you are, you are just as blind as I was :p]

The fact that I have downloaded the free VLC player for playing .flv videos, it never fucking occurs to me that it is also a converter that could convert .flv files into .WMV, .AVI or MPEG all along. What The fucking Fuck!!! It is one of those days that made me feel like an ass. Anyway, if you are wonder how it is done, here’s a little guide to help you convert your .flv videos to WMV or AVI or any kind of shit format you want, so that you won’t have to wait and watch the whole fucking clip or better yet, you can convert them porno you downloaded from RedTube or YouPorn and watch it on your PDA or pocket pc underneath your desk, that will definitely get you outta trouble from your boss. You know what I mean…

Tutorial on how to convert .flv to .WMV

The first thing you need to do is load the .flv file that you wanna convert and press stop. Then go to the drop down file menu and then select wizard or press cltr+w


When you are at the Streaming/Transcoding Wizard menu select Transcode/Save to file and then click NEXT

In this Input menu select Existing playlist and then click NEXT

On the Transcode menu, tick and select the following and then click NEXT: (Refer to diagram below)


Upon reaching the Encapsulation format menu, choose ASF and then click NEXT

Lastly the most important thing to do when you reach this menu is that you MUST include the extension of your file when you save it. If your file name is “Ultraman”, save it as “Ultraman.wmv”


There you go, did I just make you life better? If so just enjoy the video on the right which is a trailer for my up and coming post, becoming ultraman.

Getting High has Never Been So Cheap

And you think you need loads of cash to snort on coke which only mega bucks earners are able to afford? So what about us the middle class average Joe gotta do to get high? In these times of global economic meltdown, when even rock stars would even think twice before calling their drug suppliers, people are switching from powder to something readily available, less expensive and gets the job done . Well almost, you can’t complain because it is cheap. The Southern Rappers call it Sippin’ Syrup, Britney Spears call it Purple Drank but we the people in Cherating call it “KOKTAIL UBAT BATUK”.

So here is the Recipe of making this delicious drink:

Ingredients:

• 1 can of Soda [anything you like but I will still to Sprite or Pepsi]

• 1 bottle Cough Syrup with codeine [You will need a prescription for this so this is when being buddies with doctors comes in handy. But then again if you are living in Malaysia, just head to your neighborhood’s pharmacy, slip RM10.00 over the counter and then fake a few coughs and you will be getting your very own bottle of cough syrup in no time.]

Method:

Add equal amount of cough syrup and soda. For better effect add some crushed painkillers or a couple of doses of Jim Beam into your drink. With the cocktail in your hands, find the best seat in the house, switch on some music [Recommended: Kid Rock's Someone Gotta Feel this] and start sipping your way into narcotic nirvana. You will know that you are high when you startz to speakz like tiz…

Getting high has never been so easy, no needles, no powder, no big money being but

all the harm of drug abuse...

Kung Fu Sex 2: The Chastity Breaking Monk

Since the beginning time, men have been trying like hell to get into the pants of women; but women being the fussy ones were trying to keep men out of her pants and only let in a few good ones in. Even though both men and women were created equally horny, but somehow, the men’s penis always gets the best of them and women seems to have a built in “on” and “off” sex switch which they can use it at their disposal.

500 years ago, a group ancient monks of the east who was staying next to some hot nuns was sick and tired of jerking off and were trying like hell to get into the pants of nuns; you see most of these monks was sent by their parents into the monastery and did not on their freewill sworn to have a sexless life. And this was one of their motivations, to get laid with them hot nuns next door before they bite the dust. But the determination of the nun to keep their chastity intact was so strong that all attempts by these horny monks did not avail. So these monks introduced human body studies into their curriculum hoping to find a way to get laid with these nuns which made them really good physician only. But in the end, there was a exceptional monk who did not have any interested in studying how the body works but only had a dream of opening a body massage parlor found out that when God created women, He placed several sex chakra or button on the body of the women, so that when the sense of touch and pressure are given to these places, you are not only unleashing the inner beast and leaving her craving for the dick, tongue or something else (use your imagination) but you are also preparing her up for the ultimate orgasm rush. This is the first known documented instruction for foreplay known to men. No tongue, saliva or toys are required because it is an ancient Chinese acupressure massaging technique that only uses your thumb and palms to sex her up and breaking down all her sex resistance. Remember to warm your hands by rubbing them together and then make firm circles in these hot spots:

THE CENTER OF HER CHEST, AROUND HER BREAST BONE

This is to ease off all her anxiety and resistance to sex. It induces calm by “opening the heart”

DOWN BOTH SIDES OF HER SPINES, TO HER LOWER BACK

Here you are directing warm energy from her upper body to her pelvis.

HER BELLY, FRO NAVEL DOWN TO HER PUBIC BONE

It is physical center of the body and ultimately critical to a person’s sexual satisfaction.

INNER LEGS, WORKING FROM ANKLE UP

Arouses the energy line that begins at the big toe ad moves up her leg and to her groin area.

And your think breast grouping, vagina rubbing or pussy chowing would take you far, think again. Applying pressure to those offensives areas would only anger her when she is not in the mood. Trust me you wouldn’t wanna rub a pussy the wrong way. But these spots may not be those areas where guys would usually go for; it would only make you appear to be giving her a relaxing massage but instead you are sexing her up by applying a little pressure to these spots that she can’t resist and before the night is over you will be humping her like a wilder beast. If you are skeptical about the whole thing, you can always use the Zen fingers to check out the level of moistness that the above technique has gotten her. Remember when she is mad at you for some absurd reasons like forgetting anniversary or her birthday and uses her ultimate weapon – the no-sex-for-you strike, the above technique is the best counterstrike, when you are through with it she will be asking for more.

How to Do a Tombstone Pile Driver on your Girlfriend

Firstly I would like to take back all the claims that I would pile drive anyone of you especially if you are a guy. Because at least until today, I thought that a pile driver was only a wrestling move. A pile driver is also an acrobatic sexual positions offer both partners the chance to enjoy new sensations and feelings. Wrestling fans will enjoy the pile driver position.

To Execute the Tombstone Pile Driver on your Girlfriend

Since this is an xniquet’s how to post, let me show you how a pile driver (wrestling type) is being done. A pile driver is actually a very powerful move which can end matches, just look at the undertaker’s tombstone pile driver. It is a variant of the traditional pile driver but it is as lethal. So I thought it will be cool to teach you how to do the Undertaker’s tombstone pile driver:

-First you must stunt your girlfriend by choke slamming them (choke hold your girlfriend by the neck and then elevating them to the air and the slamming their back on the ground) But if that is too much for you, just kick your girlfriend in the stomach.

-Scoop you girlfriend up so that they are vertical mid air in the position of belly to belly with the girlfriend’s feet facing the sky and their face on your crotch. (See pic). Holding your arms around them, make sure your girlfriend head is above your knees.

-Falling down on your knees to finish the move and wait for the 3 count.

So there you have it, you have just done a legendary wrestling move which of course you can do it to your girlfriend when she is naughty or in need of some smacking because girls just loves a manly man and also someone who isn’t afraid of doing things to her physically.

Warning:
-Make sure that you are both comfortable and feel safe.

-Don't drop opponent on their head.

-Their head has to be above the knees, as otherwise you could kill them or seriously damage them.

-Only do this move if you are trained wrestler (or thinks you are one), a rebel who does banned moves anyway, or you are xniquet. (He does pile drivers to keep his girlfriend in line; the many benefits of being his girlfriend)



Facts: xniquet has successfully executed 3 tombstone pile driver on Lisa. No kidding, she likes it because she is a wrestling fan too.

Performing The Pile Driver Sex Position

Next, I am going to show you how to do a pile driver (sexual position) which you can show off to your sex partner. The pile driver sexual position is compatible to anal and vaginal sex, which heterosexual couples or two women (with strapped on dildo) or two men can performed.



To perform this position - the women must:

• Remove panties and any clothing that may cover your vagina.
• Lay down on the floor and then lifting your legs up with the back of your feet facing the sky.
• Use your arms and hands to prop up your back and buttocks. Begin to relax your legs so they are spread open between 12 and 24 inches.
• As your partner enters you, he will likely hold on to your legs to better control thrusting.

To perform this position - the men must:

• Remove pants and underwear and get your penis erected.
• Approach your partner after she has positioned herself with her legs, buttocks facing skywards.
• Bend your erect penis so it faces down, toward her vagina.
• Gently and slowly insert your erect, bent penis into her vagina.
• Grip her upper thighs to reposition her higher or lower and to brace yourself.
• Bend your knees or bend over to adjust your position.
• Thrust with your hips.

If you are still not sure how a pile driver position, take a look at this diagram, it would roughly give you a picture of what a pile driver position looks like.





Warning:
-Do not perform this while intoxicated by alcohol or drugs.

-This can be a painful position to perform if the man’s penis doesn’t bend significantly in a downward direction.


Facts: on how many times xniquet has pile drive his girl friends, none of your business.

So You Think You Can Mosh?

So are you going for a rock concert soon? Is it your first time? As Malaysia rejoices as news of the “SEXY” Avril Lavinge and her boobies is again going to play on the 29 August 2008 which is only 2 DAYS from Malaysia’s NATIONAL DAY. I cannot but to laugh at just how fickle minded the government is, first they say one thing and then they do one thing. But at least this is a favorable decision on their part. It is comforting to know while I am enjoying myself at Nine Inch Nails’ concert in Philadelphia; my friends back in Malaysia are going to have a good time watching Avril. That is why I am going to dedicate this post to those who are going for the concert that night. If you think you are going to do the polish-the- floor-with-your-feet dance that you call shuffle for a rock concert. I urge you to rethink your move before you get beat up senseless for your lameness. Mr. x isn’t much of a dancer but he is willing to teach you the only dance that a true rocker should know – Slam dancing or hardcore dancing or better known as Moshing.









Definition:
Mosher - a Person who is skilled in the art of Moshing.
Mosh Pit – Is a circle where the Moshers congregate and does all the moshing a.k.a. the hardcore dancing ball room.

Before you learn the Art of Moshing, you must know must at least have some of these pre-requisite:

• 1 black color band tee
• 1 pair of baggy jeans
• Long hair/wig will do
• Rock/metal music
• A disregard for other people’s opinions
• The ability to take a large amount of pain
• a lot of JD(alcohol) and balls of steels

How to Mosh/Slam dance/Hardcore dance

First you have to be sure that you have met some of the pre-requisite above.

Make sure that you and your partners are about 3 or 4 feet away from each other. Remember, the hardcore dancing ball room floor is like the strip clubs, no touching or groping. But if there is a hot female mosher in the pit, it is okie to cop a feel. If not, hands off your buddy’s crotch/ass you pervert.

Once the band starts playing, proceed to slice the shit out of air using various karate moves you taught yourself or grab invisible money off the ground, or do the vertical-ceiling fan move.

Jump into the air, aiming to have your upper body make contact with another mosher. A collision is the goal here.

Try to be a jackass and be as inconvenience as possible to people around you who are just trying to watch the band.

Remember that in the mist of the slam dancing and all the loud music, accidents might happen which may results in bruises, black eyes, fat lips, broken noses or even a concussion. But it is okie, there are no grunge between Moshers. So everything is still okie even if you have just given a fellow Mosher a hemorrhage. Moshers are really a forgiving breed.

But when someone (who isn’t a Mosher but is there just to watch the band) try to push you away because of your deliberate move in ramming unto him, use your fucking fist to break his fucking glasses or face and then shout “FIGHT” before proceeding into beating the living shit outta his sorry ass.



Practice all the things that I have stated above and you will definitely going to have fun during the concert. Kthanxbai.
PS: here is some good practice music for you
1. Limp Bizkit’s The Propaganda
2. Marilyn Manson’s The Fight Song
All available for download, just click on the song.

What idiots (i.e. organizers, governments, religious group, police) think about moshing.