Malaysia's Politician's Favorite Pastime: a pain free anal sex guide

Maybe there is a significant design flaw in human. I wonder what was going through the Maker’s head when he decided to place the anus just roughly more than one inch apart from the vagina and then give human the free will to choose. By doing so, people get confused and might insert the penis into the wrong hole, don’t tell me you have never knock on the wrong door, even when you are holding the correct address, no? I am sure by now, if you Google on what the fuck is happening in Malaysia now, you might get some hits on” Sodomy” or “Anal Sex”.  Apparently it seems that both of our country’s Deputy Prime Ministers (current and ex) loves the chocolate star fish and I guess they have been listening to the Butthole Surfers one too many times. Me loves this little art piece hijacked from It pretty much sums it all.

I am sure some of you are already sick and tired of reading about who has been to who’s butthole and is curious on how the fuck does it feel to take a dip in the ass or being dip in the ass? Why not try it out, here is a anal sex for dummies guide, for all you ass enthusiast. 

Asking for Anal Sex:
First of all, to have anal sex you gotta get a partner who is willing to do so. Therefore, the first step of doing anal sex is actually asking your partner for anal sex. Here are some simple steps in helping you do so:

Things need: the determination of having anal sex and a pair of balls
Guide: When you meet up with your partner make sure they are in a good mood that day and try to keep it that way. Try to butter them up by buying flowers or chocolate, it will help. Make sure they did not have anything extremely spicy for their meals in the last 24 hours e.g. : Hot Mexican Chilli, Tom Yum, Sambal Belacan especially with Petai...etc. Once this is done,you are ready to rock and roll. While beginning foreplay, try giving them a nudge or a few pokes around their rectum area to see how they feel about it. If their eyes suddenly lights up or they give you a big reaction, cool off and focus on other areas for a while and then come back and knock on their anus door again. If their reaction is a playful wink or a bit of a nod or a moan, congratulation, you have just successfully gotten the green light, the shit ass gate is open wide and you are ready to proceed. 

Anal Sex for Absolute Beginners:
Even though anal sex is not like launching a rocket, but a lot of prep work needs to be done because unlike the vagina, your anus is not designed to take in any penis. 

Clean up: make sure you clean that bowel before you proceed, you wouldn’t want to get a chocolate coated penis right? let me put it simply this way, if you are totally afraid of getting a little feces on your dick, anal sex is not for you. 

Lubrication: since the anus doesn’t have a self lubricating mechanism, you will have to make sure you have enough lubrication on both ends – the penis and the anus. Insufficient lubs will only result in the feeling of being masturbated with sand paper. Some Vaseline or good old K-Y jelly should do the trick.

Relax: Once both the above are done, make sure your partner is relaxed, because most of the time anal sex hurts is because lack of relaxation. Try to give her a good massage and use that fucking fingers and tongue of yours to give a good old ass rimming before introducing her to your shaft. Remember relaxation is the key word in having a pain free anal experience.

Time to cum: when you are not wearing any condom, try not to cream pie or cum inside your partner on their first time. Cum are very salty and can be quite painful on abrasions and cuts that may occur. 

Anal should be a healthy and fun activity for heterosexual and also homosexual orientated person,   so remember to get your partner’s consent and always lub up before entering. Have a nice day!