When I Think of You... I Hope You Fucking Choke

In my iPod:Me and My Gun - KMFDM
[download]
State of mind: Sour Grape
Location:The Pit

It was the boy's night out and there is nothing I could ever ask for but a great dinner at my favorite grill house - The Pit. We just got back from our downhill biking road trip and being through days of mud, rain, bruises and shitty food and on top of that, I was sick for a day due to extreme dehydration. So I was really looking forward for a great night out with the boys. A nice bottle of Chardonnay, a rare n bloody burgundy steak and the company of two biking buddies; how could anything go wrong?

But right between the escargot appetizer n lobster soup, I have to bloody catch a glimpse of her. I knew that eventually I would bump into her but just not like this. I have never thought that I'll see my ex fiance with another man (not so soon) and she looked so beautiful that night that it almost hurts. Cocksucking motherfucking shit, all hell has got to break loose on the night where I just wanna relax and enjoy myself.

My bloody night was ruined, my steak has no taste and the wine doesn't seem to have any alcohol in them anymore. My buddies talked to me but I just couldn't pay attention to what they are saying All I could think of is what the fuck are they having on the other table? I mean for Christ fucking sake, does he knows that she drinks her water chilled and not iced because of her sensitive gum? Does he know that she will get a migraine if she sits directly under the lamp? Does he even know how to treat a lady? With his totally innocent cum gay short hair and a fucking t-shirt saying "Kuantan Blood Drive", I bet he is some kind of psycho killer out for blood of the innocent. I am fucking choking here; it must be my oversize collar-less t-shirt that i was wearing. I had to get outta there.

I caught a chill there that night and now I am frozen stiff to my fucking spine. I don't know why I am suddenly not over her? I mean I should; she seems to be very over me. Now look at me, my damn perception must be down again because I am messed up deeper than I thought I would be. I guess I have not healed with time. I need something to wash this feeling, this thought, this plague of her away. No, the blood of fucking Christ can't get it done but a good old bottle of Tennessee whiskey may. Maybe two bottles, if I am still standing after I finished my first. I know I shouldn't be drinking when my doctor just told me not to, but with nights like this, it is completely alright to fucking drink your life away. Then maybe the ghost of her can stop haunting me and let my fucking heart rest in pieces.

[after 2 minutes]

Update 1#: Even though his car is shinier than mine (hey, it was fucking raining and I didn't wash mine ok?), I hope it gets them nowhere.

[after 3 minutes]

Update 2#: NO... I am sorry; I didn't mean to say that, I just want the best for her.

[after 2 minutes]

Update 3#: You know what, I hope they fucking choke on the fucking meringue that they had for dessert for fucking ruining my dinner!

[after 30 seconds]

Update 4#: Hey Lisa, the next time you see me in that grill house, it will be with two sexy hot chics and not with 2 guys like I am some fucking homo.

Reunion?

playing on my iPod:
Canon in D - Vienna Boys Choir
(but it sounded more like "O Fortuna" to me today)

6:01pm First fucking day of the fucking Chinese Lunar New Year, I am looking at my own fucking reflection in the mirror, feeling like my whole existence is flawed and wondering what the fuck went wrong. You see I decided to stop being so Amish and drop my habit of plucking my eyebrow and usher myself into a new era of eyebrow grooming with my new electric eyebrow trimmer that I purchased from Watson. Just under RM13.00, this baby guarantees you an easy and pain free eyebrow shaping experience But it never said it was free of any grooming accident. Now with my hair tied back, I fucking looked like a transvestite; with a little eyeliner, mascara, lip gloss and a hot party dress; I would be ready to hit the street. Fuck that shit! But that wasn’t what that was really bothering me.

I needed a dosage of music to turn my frown upside down. Nope heavy ass metal won’t do, so I turn to some Baroque. I scroll down my iPod to find Vivaldi’s Four Seasons – Spring 1st Allegro. I was hoping that it would be uplifting but somehow today it sounded more like Winter to me. I let out a breath but it wasn’t of relief but of dreadfulness. In less than an hour, I will be in a 5 Star Restaurant having my annual family reunion dinner but with the amount of people that will be there, it felt more like a clan dinner. This is the fucking lowest point of my festivity because I am such a party pooper. If there was a party vigilante, I would fucking be on top of his hit list. But maybe it is just me growing into a full bloom green fur Grinch that fucking hates Chinese New Year or I am slowly turning into a fucking hermit who dislikes the presences of noisy cum nosey family members around me. I don’t see what is the big fucking deal with the whole reunion shit. They don’t call or talk or take notice of me on other days of the year but right now they wanna pretend to be interested in how my fucking life has been the past year and suddenly want me to be their buddy?

As usual my dad will be seated with his peers and if there is ever a conversation brought up about me in that table, it would be whether I am a fucking Goat or a fucking Monkey because I was the only one in the family who was born early January which raises the question of which Chinese Horoscope Livestock I fall into. While the talk about livestock rages on there, I am left seated in a table with my peers of which I am the youngest and only one without any offspring. Well, I could be seated with my nephews and nieces on the other table but I would have to communicate with them in diapers and nursery rhymes, so I rather take my chances seated in this fucking table.

And so with the ceiling mounted speaker playing Chinese New Year Songs above my head, I put on my fakest smile and try to be pleasant, merry and joyous as I try to survive this year’s dinner.

As the dishes started to roll out, the questions started to roll in. For crying out loud and for the 100th time, I am no longer in college and yes I am working...well, almost, but that wasn't the whole fucking point. You wouldn’t know the torment I was in, between the tiger prawn and abalone and also the steam sea bass and scallop , I was practically praying to all the gods and angels like a fucking pagan and if I was able to go on my knees I would have been praying like Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane asking the fucking almighty to take this cup away from me.



10:44pm my ordeal was coming to an end, now I just have to continue on holding this fucking fake smile as I say my goodbyes, get into my car and bullet from there like a bat outta hell.

With Bach’s Air on G string playing in the background(yes, today i was rather in the mood for some soft strings and cello rather than the sound of guitars in overdrive), my first day of the Fucking Chinese Cow Year draws to an end, and like usual I took out the red packets that I have collected from the dinner and was about to put them inside my car as emergency cash (now you know where i keep my red packet cash), I notice something that I never realized until now. My name was written on every fucking single red packet; I went through all the red packets that I have collected throughout the years and my name was on every one of it. You know what, that scribbled name on the side of the red packet meant more than the 100s and 50s notes inside of it; it meant that that particular red packet was for me and only me. I was fucking speechless, how could I be so fucking blind?

Now I fucking see that even though it is just so amazing; amazingly how much they and I have nothing in common, yet it has never stopped them from trying to get close to me and no matter how much of an alien, pariah, or an outcast I am to them, I was still fucking family to them and will always be.


So my festivity had a rough start unlike her's - it was a walk in the park all the way from the start... "Peanuts and TV"

Lastly, I haven't been getting much interesting hate mails lately except for this dude/babe who totally loath my anorexic post. And I thought the last hate mail was lenghty and hard to understand, wait till you see THIS ONE.

Cause I like to Party with the Naughty Japanese Girl

playing on my iPod:
Battle Axe - Deftones

I am such a big fucking faker; to myself that is. I fucking told myself that I wanted to be fucking different from the rest. When people go partying on weekends or the eve of public holidays, I would fucking stay back in my studio and get my work done and while the average working person goes to bed at 10pm on a work night, I shall head down to the club and party like it is 1999. But it is fucking hard to keep one's promise to oneself when you have the naughty Japanese girl and her gothic girlfriend staying with you under one roof. Yes, Norie kept her promise, one year after we met in Tokyo, she was here visiting me. I gotta hand it to these motherfucking Japs, they are really trustworthy people. That is a fucking rare value especially when you are living here; when was the last you ask your friend out for coffee when you told them "I will ask you out for coffee someday".The term "someday" that we Malaysian uses often means "when I am about to slap you with a wedding invite and don't forget the Ang Pow (Chinese customary wedding gifts in the form of cash)" or "When I need your help" or "This is my last chance to see you because I am dying of a colon cancer" or maybe never.

It was Norie and her friend Ayumi's first time in Malaysia, how can I deprive them of partying on X'mas eve? Norie told me that she was bringing me a gift from Tokyo and I sure hell wished that Ayumi was that gift. Ayumi was a lightning bolt of hotness. She has the look of a goth beauty (goth chic really turns me on) but somehow she doesn't speak much. All heads turned to look at Ayumi and what she was wearing when we stepped in 6 Underground Club last night. She practically worn something made for a Goth party - a black bodice, a really short skirt and boot laced up to her knees. The local girls don't usually put on such a show. Judging by the cold stares thrown at us, I guess Snake and I was the envy of all the other guys there. How could 2 butt ugly guys like us be in the company of two fine ass ladies? We partied so hard on that Christmas eve, that dear lord baby Jesus in his ghostly 2 x 4 fucking manger would be so goddamn proud of us.

I ain't no fringing Nostradamus but I can pretty much predict my life for the remaining days of 2008. With this two Kimono Party Geisha staying with me, it was going to be one huge ass party and it was time to bring my game up a level and fucking RAGE...

For those who don't know or can't remember who Norie is, here's something to stimulate your brain: The Naughty Japanese Girl

Jane

playing on my iPod:
Midnight Train to Memphis - Kid Rock

I am here with Jane - a close friend of mine; maybe not that close, semi-close you might say but what does close really mean to you these days. Our fucking world is constantly changing, flip-flopping all the damn time. A Woman could go to bed and turn into a man the next morning; a rich man could become bankrupt and turn into a fucking beggar in an instance; and a close friend would definitely become a stranger or even a foe given the right circumstances. But the beauty of it all, we are creatures that live in the fucking moment. We can never be as beautiful as we are right now or feel what we are feeling right now; it only gets better or worse as time move on. That is why we all have fucking memory, Like a mirror which is there to give back your face, our memory is there to keep what we lose.

Here we are at Kuantan's Esplanade, a famous fishing spot; reliving Jane's childhood memories. For all the years of her childhood, her dad would bring her here for fishing on Saturday nights when she was just a kid. At that time, there weren't that many lights and there were many young Malay couples who love to congregate at this place just to hit second and third base in the dark. But the fucking local authority placed chorus of streets lamps here and this place lit up like an ass caught on fire. Things have changed after that, people would no longer have to fish in the dark and young Malay couples do not have to make out in the pitch black. They can finally see who or what they are kissing, groping and sucking away.

It is funny how we always wanna try reliving the moment that we miss the most, to get back that feeling even though we certainly and definitely know that it cannot possibility be the same. It's been 1 year after her dad passed away; while he was still alive, they hardly spoke after she moved to KL. Now, every time she comes back to Kuantan, she would go fishing. I don't know whether it is a something ritualistic or it is just grievance that makes her come back here. But I can certainly adhere to her feelings on this. Because I too did the same when my wife pass away, I went to the beach, morning after morning just to watch the sun rise from the sea because that was what my late wife always wanted to see, a perfect sun rise with the one she loved.

Jane recently got her doctorate but she just couldn't feel any different. Its like getting first place but the feeling you feel is like when you came in last. I can totally feel her on this; just like her, I feel like what I have accomplished today is totally nothing and meaningless because there is no one to share with. The person whom I wanted to share this pride is no longer with me. Jane and I didn't really have to talk much but we both know the shit storm that is stirring and raging inside our lives. Right about now I can comfortably say that she is just about as close as a close friend can be to me right now. I have never been game or down with fishing but this fucking beats all the meaningless one night stands that I had.

And so with fucking fishing poles, we fucking cast the hooks into the fucking river just like what the others do and we sat there for hours in silence while we stare blankly into the murky and placid river, waiting for a fish to get its mouth hook. But little do we know that it was never gonna happened because we forget one damn thing - the fucking bait.

When Insanity Rains on my Sex Parade

playing on my iPod:
Idol - Amanda Ghost

I woke up feeling sick; sick of waking up; sick of opening these eyes; sick of breathing; sick of being here, alive and hopeless and aimless; sick of this pain and this rage; sick of being lock up in my head and the motherfucking air around me feels like cage. But most of all today I really feel sick to my rotten core. My head feels like an anvil that a blacksmith is hammering on; my hands and feet is numb and cold; my lips are cracked and my eyes are blood shot red. In the mist of all these, I know I should feel down but somehow I feel glad because somewhere in all of these, it could be a blessing in disguised; my spirits are lifted because there could be a chance of me suffering a heart or an organ failure that could spell my death; if only one of my major artery or veins just clog up and burst, it will give me a fucking stoke that would send me on a one way trip to Hades, then I would be the happiest man dead. My body felt like fucking crap, thanks mostly to my new found ritual of meditating at the beach; rain or shine, I will be there rotting away from dusk to dawn. And it finally happened; the cold rain that had drenched my clothes crawl through my skin and into my bones leaving me sick as sick can be. I am surprised that I have only gotten down with the sickness after a week of this fucking abuse. But it could also be my vigorous drinking habit that has contributed to it. But my death wish was not about to come true today because as time passed, I feel my strength regaining and once again my mood hit rock bottom. As I lay there on my bed, I look for my alarm clock to my right which I hardly use anymore, only to find the time was 4:44PM. They say that it is a form of luxury to sleep in late on Sundays but today I gave it a whole new fucking meaning.

Even though the day was half way through the afternoon but it was dark and gloomy as if God switched off the fucking sun and cloaked it with the Shroud of Turin. On any other day, I would be working my fucking ass off in my basic yet pathetic gym; bench pressing until I cannot feel my arms and then do crunches until I have this huge searing pain on my abs that leaves me curled up like a ball and with tears in my eyes. But not today, I couldn't even feel any of my fucking limbs and I already in pain. So I headed to the pantry to get something to eat. A huge pack of Lay's potato chips and 2 cans of soda is all I got. Potato chips and soda - the corner stone of every nutritious breakfast; it has the fat and saltiness that my body needs, carbohydrate (I think since it is made out of potato) to keep me full and energized and the sugar from the soda to elevate the blood sugar in my fucking body and to kick start me from this dormant and slump state that I am fucking in.

I sat down on the floor with my back pressed against the wall because I was just too tired to walk back into the other room where the tables and chairs were. As I chow down my bag of processed fats with excessive salt and drain down the watery diabetic fluid, I try to recall what the fuck happened last night, because it was some fucked up shit. I remembered getting a call from E (short for Ibrahim) last night. I was invited to Urban Beach [one of the many pubs that is located at the Beach in Kuantan] for drinks. E and I went way back, he was from another band that I used to play from time to time, not as a member but just as a guest guitarist. His band "Kronos" released an EP two years ago but based on the horrid response. They didn't take the chance of releasing a full length LP. The last I heard he was reshuffling his band and was looking for a fresh deal and opportunity for another release.

So I joined E and another 3 other girls at Urban Beach that night. We weren't totally up for whiskey so we decided to pop the lid off a bottle of Cordon Bleu. At first I thought the 3 girls was the GROs working there but it turned out that there were E's friends and are all working in Kuantan but I have never fucking seen any of them before. Hey come on, I hardly miss any gorgeous ladies that this fucking small town has to offer. One of them had auburn long hair and she tied it all the way back to reveal her almost bare, very low cut "V"shaped top that if you look carefully, you can see everything that is going on inside her blouse; the other wore a decent white short dress, the only un-decent thing about it is that she wasn't wearing any bra, it was a total gave away because when it gets chilly, you can see her nipples get erected; I totally cannot recall what the third girl was wearing but all I can remember is that she smell super fine. These girls was extra friendly but not in a sleazy kind of way. They were total class act. They know when to act classy and when to rub their tits against you and sometimes when the time is right, they will rub your crotch as if they didn't intended to but you know that they purposely wanted to. It was the sexual teasing game at its best and it almost felt like foreplay. So in the semi dark seaside pub with The Pretender's I'll Stand by You playing in the background, I was drinking my night (my life) away with E and getting a hard on, courtesy of the three beautiful ladies. I sure hope that they are actually look pretty because the lack of lighting and the influences of alcohol, they could probably look like the Gorgon sisters and the moment I sober up or the lights comes on I would turn to a fucking stone.

It could be that we were all fucking thirsty because we fucking finished the entire bottle in a blink of an eye. Since the night was still young, we popped another motherfucking bottle. But we slowed down on our second bottle or it could be that the theory of some smart ass in the past was right, that times flies when you are having fun or in this case getting high. It was closing time at Urban Beach and the second bottle was just down by a quarter. Determined to finish the second bottle, we decided to get a room at Hyatt Regency which was just a couple of steps away from there, so that we can truly party the night away and see the bottom of the second bottle. Besides we shouldn't be driving home in our state so that was the best thing to do, get a room and continue on doing what I fucking do best these days - getting wasted.

Because the main lobby of Hyatt Regency was on renovation, we had to fucking walk a little further to another building just to get a room. While going there, I remember seeing E threw up all along the way to the temporary lobby. It reminded me on how Hansel and Gretel left bread crumbs to find their way home; E was leaving trails of his vomit, probably to find his way back to his car. After we got into our room, E was really done for; he said that he couldn't take in any more of that poison, so he took one of the girls (the good smelling one) and retired to another room. What I reckon is that it was just an excuse, because he wanted to stay awake and stuff that girl like a Thanksgiving turkey all night long.

Now it was just me, the two girls and a three quarter full bottle of brandy on the couch. To be frank, these two girls were just sipping their drinks while I was pouring that shit down like gasoline into an empty tank and things was starting to spin in my head. But even so, I was still very aware that the two damsel were starting to fondle each other while peeling off each others clothes right in front of me. I am pretty sure I was still conscious because I can remember exactly how their nipples look like. One of them had the nipples size of an Oreo cookie and the other had the darkest nipples I have ever seen, it was almost black. After they were through rubbing each other off and taking each others clothes off. They started to work their itchy little fingers all over me and before I knew it my pants was already down to my ankle and like a pact of ravenous wild hyenas, they were scouting every inch of my crotch area. Man this was heaven, I had my brandy in one hand, and the fucking bottle on the other, two bitches nibbling and chewing off my dick, this just couldn't get any better. It has been a long time, since I have two ladies cleaning my penis on the same shift; one was sucking like a vacuum machine and the other was tea bagging away. I tilt my head backwards and my chin was facing skyward to indulge in this immoral yet sensual moment. But as I lay there, a sudden gust of gas rushes up my throat and to my nostril and mouth. I close my mouth but it was too late and the outburst of the burp was too strong. And for the second time of my life, I puked all over the girls that were sucking me off. But this time, my puke was all over their face, their hair and some even landed in one of the girl's mouth because I think I saw her spitting it out. I could even see chunks of what I had for dinner caught in one of their fake eye lashes.

There was a pause of silence for a little while for I really didn't know how to react but looking at at their faces and what has just happened, I started to laugh; I laugh so hard. I didn't know why, I just couldn't stop myself laughing even though I knew I shouldn't but I just kept on laughing till tears started to fall and my tummy hurts. I guess temporary insanity has taken over me or maybe it wasn't temporary after all. The girls were in shock at first but then they got furious and grossed out and my laughing just made things worst. They went into the shower without saying anything and left after that I think because when I regain consciousness again, my pants were still down and there was still puke all over me.

I pull my pants up, scrape myself up off the couch and left a note to E to made plans for dinner the next day. I headed back to my studio still covered in puke and the stench of alcohol. I guess there goes my chance of humping the Gorgon sisters. I wonder if I would ever get another chance of having their ankles on my shoulders while I get down on my knees. You know what I still find what happened fucking hilarious every time I recall the look on their funny faces. I am going to let E know about this during dinner, he is so going to flip.

At a Clan Meeting

With just hours after we reached Kuantan, I got a phone call from Lisa, saying that me and my family are invited to a “little” dinner gathering at her place. And so I thought it was just going to be her family and my family kind of dinner. So I wanted to whip up something for dessert to impress her mum. So with short span of time on my side, I set out to make an apple pie that could be our dessert for that night. I had little time on my hands because since I came back, I have been doing laundry upon laundry. It took 3 loads to finished my entire luggage, then I had to swing by my office to clear off some paperwork before heading to supermarket to get the ingredient for the dessert which I had to rely on my memory on what to get because I didn’t have the recipe with me. But I think it came out pretty alright; don’t let the looks fool you. It actually taste and smell like apple pie and it was an instant hit at the dinner gathering with nothing left. It looks uneven on the top because I didn’t have a brush to spread the egg yolk on top before putting it the oven; instead I used a spoon. The apple pie I made was actually a traditional American Apple pie with Prune, raisins and orange juice in it.



Recipe for this pie is available at the xniquet-wiki – Traditional Apple Pie



And to think that it was just a family gathering really turned out to be somewhat like a clan gathering to me, Sekampung Bapak Lisa jemput [in Bahasa Melayu which means Lisa’s Dad invited a whole village]. I swear there were about 50 or more people there then again, it wasn’t outsiders, and it was all of Lisa’s family. From her cousins to aunties to uncles to all kind of relatives; it almost felt like Chinese New Year when everyone is around, but this time I don’t know most of them. I guess aborigine does stay very close to their family, that is why they are always looking for an excuse to celebrate, and this one was for me and Lisa, to welcome us back. I guess I could learn something from them, being such a big family and yet there are able to stay close to each other, whereas being the only two in my family, I haven’t even spoken to my sister for almost 3 years now. Anyway, this was more like a taste of what the wedding is going to be, God damn it, I am so not cut for weddings …