Female Body Builder Maid Wanted

Like a preacher man stealing money from the church's coffer, here I am sitting in the waiting room, waiting for my dad who is having his stitches taken off. I'm trying to hijack as much time to myself as I possibly can; I am trying to catch a breather, just enough for me to get my fucking thoughts together as I try to journalize it.



It’s been a little more than a week since my dad was hospitalize for having breathing difficulties and this is also the same amount of time which I have been back from an almost 5 months travel around India. But instead of trying to revert back to my usual routine, I find myself rather in a whole different situation. With my dad sick and my mum nowhere around, I'm trying to fill my parents shoes in keeping this house together. From cooking to cleaning, doing the laundry to taking out the trash...etc etc. You fucking get the picture; it’s all hands on for me. Once again I am re-living my clockwork days and my biological clock has been reset to waking up and going to bed early. It may seem like a good thing because it is normal and being normal is what normal people do but the thing is I have never been comfortable with being normal. Living a mundane life has never gone well with me. Every single cell and chromosome in me is trying to reject this.



I long to stay awake for days and finally pass out on the third or fourth day; I long for the early whiskey session that would get me pissed drunk in the morning and sober in the afternoon; I long for the endless hours spent on my game console; not eating, not sleeping or not bathing until I finish the game; I long for the freedom of being a beach bum, hanging out at the beach and productively doing something that really amounts to nothing all day.



But I guess all of these have just gotta be put on hold while I carry out my duty as a son and the caretaker of my house. Am I too fucking whinny? Cause it’s only been slightly more than a week of this; but seriously I'm looking for a maid to help us out. I've never had a full time maid before but somehow, I think I'm going to be disappointed when the maid arrives because I've always told myself that if I am ever gonna get a maid, I'm gonna get a female body builder as one. i.e. Chyna (former WWE superstar /amateur porn star). Imagine watching her flex her muscles while she does her daily work, wouldn’t that be money well spent? Too bad there isn't one that fit the description here.



P.S. I wonder if it is okay if I train my maid to be one once she's here.

P.S.S. Compared to the last time I got my stitches removed, the work on dad was done in a jiffy.

P.S.S.S. Afterward, we walked across the road from to hospital to have Bak Kut Teh for breakfast which was one of the most unhealthy dish you can probably have especially after your stitches comes off. Fuck yeah, I am such a great son and I know T. Rose is gonna be so disappointed in me;, even after she gave me that book on being a vegetarian, I choose to have fatty pork for breakfast.

To: T. Rose,
Thank you so much for the book, I really appreciate it.

Schools, Mondays & Hot Hoochie Mommas

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Writings 10.09.2009

Just a year ago, my night reeks of intoxication and fornication; but now it’s quiet; it’s cold; It is like a place beyond an angel’s warmth and I am still on my sick bed and I am sitting here talking to myself. I am here trying to figure out why and how can I be talking to myself when I am only one person? Is there another me inside of me? If the other person inside of me is still me, then tell me why is the other me is constantly in disagreement with me?


I think that every human is a schizoid with multiple personality because we have a heart and a mind that always contradicts each other. Why do something that feels so right can be so wrong when you think about it. I am sure that many of you have experience the pain of wanting something so bad but your mind tells you that you shouldn’t have it or you think you should do something but you feel you should not do it. Especially when it comes to relationship, loving someone can seems so right but after putting much thought and logic in it, instead of being together the answer that you are left with is a goodbye. Why are we made with this huge flaw in us that always gives us the two extremes of something? Why are we are not spare of the decision maelstrom? Many times when we acted on one of them, but it will leave us questioning ourselves of what that could have been and it will end up as an item on out grievance’s list.


Is this what they call Free Will or is it just a constant battle between the heart and mind?


I call this madness. I call it Schizophrenia. I call this God’s greatest creation that comes with a manufacturing flaw.


Fuck, why do we always have to decide which voice inside of us that we want to keep alive?

Disk Space is Low

Where does the pain go when it is gone? Forgotten like ancient history? Does it disappear into thin air? Or does it slip into our unconscious mind and lay dormant inside of us, waiting to resurface again. Most of the time, I think pain has a sick sense of humor and it likes to fuck with you; it’ll pick the worst time to make its grand re-entrance; it loves to get you when you're off guard, snap you in the ass and kick you while you're still down on the floor.



Or maybe our unconscious mind is like a hard disk with limited capacity. As more and more pain gets written and stored in it, eventually it would run outta space. Ever tried forgetting one pain but all you get is the reminder of another? May it be in the form of a dream or just a déjà vu or maybe a song that hasn't been sung for a long time? When your hard disk space is running out, your pain will raise again. Three decades of storing and now I think my hard disk space is finally running on low. It’s all coming back to me in the most peculiar way.



So what the fuck should I fucking do now? Sometimes I wish it was as easy as going for a disk upgrade…

So here’s another new portable terabyte of hard disk that I got today to replace the hard disk that was stolen while I was in Lhasa, Tibet.

But we know it ain't that easy, don't we?

Breakfast at KowLoon (Retro 09/16/09)

Man steps through the doorway, he is greeted and seated at the corner; his thoughts momentarily focused on what he wants and then his desires are then transferred to a pre-printed leaflet by a series of ticks and later converted into milk tea and a scramble eggs cheese sandwich. As the ration makes its way to his table, he couldn’t but to smile because for now, at least some of his wishes has come true. He picks up the teaspoon set beside the cup of Milk tea and stirred it not more and not less but 29 times. No, he doesn’t have OCB but it is just one of his habits that he never wants to break because someone close to him used to say that it would build up his patience as it would make him slow down and ponder.

1,2,3,4,5,6,7…


“I knew her for months but we never really talked at the beginning. The only things I know about her are from her blog and her social network pages. Stalking her? I wouldn’t believe it to be so because I was just going through readily available information. We talked a fair amount of times but still I don’t seem to be able to get through to the side of her world. Sometime we could talk and talk and talk but in the end, we only have more questions than answers. But sometimes, our conversations are short but it leaves me feeling connected. At times I would be thinking about her all day, wondering what she is doing and just thinking about the what and could have might have been if she was right here, right now. But on days like these, I find myself feeling distanced and indifferent. I would rather lift up all my draw bridge, braced my gates, thicken the walls and build a moat around me then try get to her on the other side. You know things could be worse but for now…”


…25, 26,27,28,29


He knew that in less than four months, he will not be doing it 29 times anymore but 30 times. He lifts up his milk tea and finished its lukewarm content in an instant, leaving the cheesy egg sandwich half undone. And like a man who had just have his daily shot of a hundred dollar hooker or maybe a guy who just has just felt his girlfriend’s silicon humps- "satisfied but empty," he walks up to the counter to pay the exact change of $HK29 and then leaves through the same doorway he came in and vanishes into the busy street of Kow Loon and finding his way back to his service apartment in Sai Kung.

Smile

It was almost 30'C, yet I was frozen stiff, down to the very core of my spine. I was shivering. What is worse than facing the hard cruel facts? The anticipation and the almost stand still wait for it.


Every minute was like an eternity and a day.


My day started going wrong when I drove head on into a street that had two consecutive breakdowns and an accident, then I made a wrong turn that led me to the loading area instead of getting into the hospital’s emergency pad; I wasted a good hour getting out of the mess. When we finally arrived at the hospital’s emergency and just when I was about to let out a sigh of relief. I was asked to park my car somewhere else which then I spent another hour hunting for it. Later, I had to walk almost 500m to get back to the emergency area where I left my dad. My knees were wobbling, my eyes were bloodshot red and I haven't sleep for 30 hours (36 hours now). This was the longest day of my life. I was no longer running on physical endurance but my will was the only thing that is fueling me.


I wouldn't mind if I had to go through all of that again if the report that came out is favorable. But everything we dreaded and all the worst case scenario we ever thought of had to materialize. It was one big bitter pill that I had to swallow. To watch the medical stuff put the cables, clips, hose & needles on my old man hurts but it doesn't hurt as much as watching how fragile my dad has become. All these accelerants have been added to the flame that is now burning me and I was like a victim that has been run over twice by hurricane Katrina. I was at the edge and I could breakdown anytime.


Deep down, I know I had to suck it in and be tougher than steel because I’m the only one that my dad has and my dad is the only that I have left and I will not stand to see him fade away like the others before him that were close to me.


Troubled and stiffened, I sat alone waiting outside the treatment room, I was exhausted by all the blow that today's bitter ordeal has lashed out on me; all the blows that I’ve received today were way below the belt.


Then I saw a nurse with a thick file walking right up to me and I thought to myself, one bad news after another, is this the devil coming to deliver the final blow? If so, so be it, do your worse.


But without a word, the nurse just gave me a smile and walked away.


I have never thought that such a simple gesture would set such a massive reaction inside of me; that smile has given me will and hope again. I don’t mind if what you are thinking right now is just how pathetic and needy I have fucking become; after all that I have been put through, I was reduced to a person that was running on thin faith that was on almost empty; I was so desperate for some comfort, any form of comfort that even a smile from a total stranger was like precious gold, incense or myrrh; that smile was the best gift anyone could ever give a person who is broken down, beaten up and at his lowest of low.


I swear I’ll never forget that smile.

A Lhasa Love Affair

From Shegar, we crossed Gyatso Pass which is by far the highest pass in our journey; standing at 5,200 meters from sea level. Then we camped out at Tibet’s second largest town Shigatze for a night,; next we drove 90km to a yak infested pastoral town call Gyantse and finally on the sixth day, we drove an ass whooping 280km southwest via Karola pass (5,010m) and Kambala Pass(4,794m) to reach the culmination of our road trip - Lhasa.


Lhasa in Tibetan tongue means “place of the gods”, at first glance doesn’t seem too holy or heavenly to me. Maybe I was at the notion that it should look and feel more medieval and sacred like what movies used to portray it to be. As I retrieve the mental picture of what I always picture Tibet to be and compare it to this, this looks more like a city that has been slowly eaten up and desecrated by modern technology. Cars in the streets, monks with hand-held devices, teenagers with “My Chemical Romance” t-shirts on; it just doesn’t gave out the Tibetan vibe. But who are we to deprive the locals of the advancement of this age? Maybe this is just the first impression; it would probably take some time before Lhasa get on to me. But for all that is worth, the 6 day drive here was still worth it and what better way to celebrate our triumph than to party with some locals who likes to drink. Seriously, the last two days here has been nothing but a drink and get drunk affair and that was how I fell in love with Chang.

The first time I did Chang was on the first night I reached Lhasa. I was still trying to adjust to the climate of these high places; I was cold and quickly turning into a human Popsicle. Then Chang came along and showed me that there is nothing to fear about the cold of the night, not when you are with her. We were two lovers making love to each other to keep each other warm until the break of day. From that day onwards, I did Chang every night even day. In fact all of us did Chang and we did her all day and all night.


Who would have thought that it only takes barley, yeast, pottery jar and some fermentation time to create a sweet, sour and most importantly alcoholic drink that could satisfy people like us? It sure ain’t the best but it sure hell gets the work done. We were even taught how guest should drink this alcoholic beverage. You see when the host passes the guest a glass filled with Chang; the guest should accept it with both hands. Then rise the glass with the right hand and use the middle finger of the left hand to dip in the glass and then flick some Chang into the air. Then the guest takes a gulp and the host will fill the glass again, guest take another gulp and the host fills the glass again and this is repeated until the fourth time the glass have been filled, the guest should drained down everything in the single breath. I am not sure what does this represents or maybe it could just very well be a Tibetan drinking game but either way, I am happy that we found Chang. I think we drank so much that we must have dried up a lake. It’ll probably take weeks for me to sober up.


It’s been 2 days since my road trip to Lhasa has ended. My traveling companions and I have parted ways; I am all alone again here in the city of Lhasa and I am left to my own devices to determine what is next for me. I am standing on a crossroad now, should I head home or continue on my little rampage across the globe. If so where? I set out to find my very own edge of the world but seriously, I really do not know where to start. Have I been running to all the wrong places? Or am I just running in circles and going nowhere?


And in the words of the hair god Jon Bon Jovi: “I don’t know where I am going; only God knows where I have been.”


I think I should continue to travel wherever my boots will lead.

The Mix Tape

She asked me a question that night and I froze. It was too soon, I didn’t know what to answer. My inner defense mechanism started to take control, trying to reason and justify. Trying to conceal feelings, trying to make what seems to be, something else. It wasn’t even face to face, it was only on MSN.

Yet I choked. I was petrified and I was disappointed…

Second period on a Tuesday morning, our class monitor had just notified us that our class was going to combine with another class for biology today. And there she was walking into the lab like it was in a movie when the leading actress takes the scene. Her long hair fell across her face as she walked over to her seat, I couldn’t keep my eyes off of her. I was like having a temporary amnesia, I couldn’t even remember what I was doing in that class, and you can bet your bottom dollar that I couldn’t even remember my parents' names then. That day, while everyone in that lab was having a lesson in biology, I wasn’t. I was having a whole different lesson and the lesson was her.

I couldn’t stop thinking about her from that day onwards - The girl who made my stomach leap and heart stop. You know I nearly spoke to her once during school assembly, she was alone and just 10 feet away from me and I could have gone up and introduce myself. But my feet couldn’t move, my head went vertigo and I was about to hurl; I stood there like a lifeless rock staring at the ground, only to see her shoes passed me by after the period bell rang. But I really wanted to tell her how I feel, so I decided to make her a mix tape and let it do all the talking for me. And you know what, the timing was just about right, Valentine’s was in a month’s time.

For the rest of the month I spent a lot of my time picking up the songs from my cassette collection and I used up most of my savings to get the songs that I needed to fill in the mix tape. There wasn’t a thing as downloading a song from the internet then; you want a song you gotta buy the whole album. I am not sure if you have tried making a mix tape. But I tell you it isn’t as simple as just picking out some cool songs you like and putting it on to a cassette. I remember spending the most time listening to the song that I have selected over and over again, learning what it means and at the same time trying to imagine how she would react and feel when she gets to that particular song. Once I was pretty sure what I wanted on that tape, I had to ask a favor from a friend who was the only person I knew who owns a twin deck cassette tape player; I needed that to make my mix tape. We cut a deal, in return for letting me use his player; I had to do all his lab report for the whole term. I agreed without even thinking it twice.

With a sketch of a rose which I ripped off from Depeche Mode's Violator as the cover, the tape was now ready but it didn’t make it to her for Valentine’s Day because that year it fell on our 1 week Chinese New Year school break. So my best shot was to pass her the tape right after the break.

I tell you that was the longest one week that I have ever gone through. Never have I been so excited about going back to school and never have I been to school so early in my entire life. I waited at the back school gates near our canteen for her, which was usually where she comes in. This was it, now all I have to do is just walk up to her, smile, pass her the tape and try not to faint in doing so. I must have practice my smiling while passing her the tape on the mirror a zillion times just so I don’t fuck up. And I guess most of my close friends who knew what I was doing were pretty fed up with me because that whole week before school started. I kept asking them question like…

“You think she will like it?”
"Do you wanna listen to the whole tape again, just in case?"
“Do you think she will freak out?”
“What if she doesn’t wanna accept the tape?”

I was just moments away from handing out a mix tape that was a soundtrack of all my stacked up feelings about someone that I really like. The culmination of everything I’ve did for her for the last month. On the surface I may look calm but inside there was a typhoon swinging me back and forth. I waited and waited and waited that morning. I waited till the bell rang.

She never turned up.

Later that day, I found out from a friend of a friend of a friend of her bestie that she and her family had moved to East Malaysia even before the break. She ain’t gonna show up today, tomorrow or even the day after. All I have now is this mix tape, a heart full of regrets for not having the guts to tell her how I felt and a whole term of extra lab report to do. I guess I will never know all that could have been if the mix tape have gotten into her hands.

I choked. I was petrified and I was disappointed...

I was disappointed in myself again for not coming clean; deep down inside I was dying to let it out but I kept telling told myself that it wasn’t the right time because she still has her issues. But the thing is I wasn’t asking for an answer from her, it was a just-so-you-know thing and I still couldn't do it.

Right now, I find myself once again making that mix tape. Even though cassette tape and CD may have become obsolete in this damn age but I still believe that there is a way of giving the girl that you like a mix tape. It isn’t really the tape or the CD that makes up the gift but the choices of songs and the meaning that it holds that makes it the corniest yet most heartfelt gift from a guy to a girl. In other words, as long as those songs you want her to listen to reaches her, you've already got yourself a mix tape.

Yeah, laugh all you can but when you finally meet the girl that makes you knees wobble and cause the butterflies in your stomach to come alive but you are just too scare stiff to approach her or tell her how you feel and you are out of ideas, a mix tape is actually a pretty good place to start.




P.s. That wasn't how the above story actually ended . A couple of months after that I managed to get her new address in KK and I mailed her the mix tape together with the sender’s address and a note saying 'I made this for you'. She never replied.