Taste Like Valentine: How to Show Your Ex You Still Love ‘em…

…by Stalking Them.

Hello and welcome to the first of my few Taste like Valentine installation:

Valentine's Day is a semi-holiday, One thing everyone can agree on is this is National Sex Day, because on this day the whole world turns into a great big orgy, 100 billion other people all across the land are engaging in obligatory sexual relations with their significant other. Although many people abstain to have sex on this day because they think Valentine day is over rated but the truth is they fall into one of these categories: Internet Geek, Emo, Single and Stalker.Let me explain to you what Valentine Day means to these different people of different status:

Dating people: Hot sex is on the menu for the rest of the day
Require item: condoms

Married People: Pretty much like Dating People but the women becomes more demanding and gets tick off easily if the men do not pay much attention to her fucking needs.
Require item: Japanese school girl outfit, Glam Rock band Poison’s outfit.

Internet Geeks: Many leave their computer and busy themselves with activities to forget the day. Usually ends in tears and third degree burns to hands.
Required item: Counseling

Emo: Writes bad shitty poetries or journal entries. Does what the Internet Geeks do too but instated of third degree burns to the hands, they get scars by pretending to slit their wrist.
Required item: Dashboard Confessional CD and a blunt razor blade

Singles: Usually take this time to reflect on their lives and decide not to care about the day, but usually they end up waking up nine hours later in bed with a stranger of the same gender or a gender which cannot be determined.
Required item: Booze and Alcohol

Stalkers: Usually spend this day hunting their ex girlfriend and sometimes new preys. Often they will break into homes dressed as ninjas or film women from trees.
Required item: MySpace

Which comes to the main topic for today, how to show your ex that you still love them by stalking them; Love is such a wonderful feeling. When you find that special someone, and you find out that they love you too, you feel like you are on top of the fucking world. However, every relationship goes through temporary rough spots, such as fights and breakups. Did he ditch you for some stupid bitch that's twice as thin and half as crazy as you? Did she leave you for another woman because she thinks you “only have feeling from the waist down and last less than 10 minutes” or was it your "violent tendencies"? Don’t know worry now is the time to show them that you really care. Now is the time to consider STALKING YOUR EX.


Most people have a mistaken impression that stalkers hid in bushes, waiting for their beloved to pass by. Nothing could be further from the truth! In fact, a good stalker always starts out by offering a line of communication or two hundred thousand…

Send emails: Email is a nice, non-confrontational method to re-establish communication. Every word you send is another chance for your beloved to truly understand the depth of your feelings and how this time apart is killing you inside. Consequently, write often, and write much. 10 one-page emails per day is a reasonable minimum, but you know you have time to write more than that. You don't want them to get the wrong impression that you don't really care, now do you?

Make calls: Unlike emails, it's relatively easy to fill up voice mail, so you must pace yourself. Estimate how often they check their messages, time your calls, and from this, you can deduce how many messages you can leave per day. Remember: wasted space on the voice mail is space that could have been used to give your beloved another chance to hear your voice and fall desperately back in love with you again.

Send SMSs: SMS is also another great, non-confrontational method to re-establish communication. In fact it is a lot faster than Email. The only drawback is that you can’t write much; therefore it should be made up by the quantities. 5 SMSs in every possible hour that she is awake and 3 SMSs in every hour that is might be sleeping (you wouldn’t want to piss her off) should be your minimum. Content of the SMS can be like telling her that you thought of her when you saw the Sunset in the middle of the day.

Let's say that, for some unreasonable and absurd reason that after what you did above, they haven't come crawling back to you. Worse still, they've blocked your emails and screened your calls. What can you do?

New email accounts are free. Gmail, Hotmail, Yahoo mail, and countless other services will let you register new accounts until your fingers nearly fall off. Unless your ex is a geek with detailed knowledge of spam filtering, you can keep up the communications indefinitely. Having your Email blocked isn’t the end.

Pressure his or her friends to make calls for you. You only need them on the line long enough for you to butt in and talk. Surely it may become increasingly hard to get them to make the calls for you, but if that's not what threats and blackmails are for, I don't know what is.

Well I did say that stalkers don't really hid behind bushes. But sometimes, the object of our affection has so much trouble getting the message through their thick skull that they still love you, you're forced to do what a normal stalker never would – hide behind a bush and wait for them.

Find an appropriate bush. The keys are large amounts of open space inside or behind it. Leaves big enough to have spaces to let you see through but not be easily seen. Trees are just large bushes. Don't be afraid to hide behind a tree. Manmade objects are just manmade bushes. A mailbox or lamppost will conceal you just as well as your average bush. Try it out! Cars are just mobile bushes. If you're worried about having your car recognized, paint it, trade it in, or rent a car for the occasion. No expense is too great for getting back your love of your life. Remember: if your beloved passes by, don't miss the opportunity to talk to them. You may need to jog or even sprint to keep up, so exercise regularly.

If your attempts to get your beloved's attention just haven't paid off yet? Haunted by thoughts of them with their new lover, whispering sweet nothings to each other while you freeze in the bushes outside their window? Let's face it, it's time to get creative and here are some suggestions:

Dead animals. Everyone loves animals, but hates to take care of them. These can be presented directly, as gifts -- dead white doves on the doorstep (white to symbolize purity, perhaps). But you can do better. Arrange them to spell out messages of affection – “I KNOW YOU LOVE ME”

Expensive Gifts (if you are rich). Sneak into their house and leave your love a diamond, a wide-screen plasma TV, or the latest LV bag. Also presents a good opportunity to spy and gather intelligence on who your competition is.

Gifts: Yourself (if you are dirt poor). Naked works best, but don't just stand there. When your lover arrives and find you in her house, you should be fixing them a meal, or hiding under the bed sheets or shower.

Searching the internet. Nothing says I love you like finding your ex's hidden blog, honeymoon pictures of her with her new man, and assorted restaurant reviews. And it is time to spam her comment box with messages of affection and what you two had done once, so that her new man reads it.

Quitters are LOSERs, and you're no LOSERs (are you?). Keep at it, and you'll be united with your love once again, whether in this world or the next. Only hard work and planning can hasten the outcome. Remember this: Stalking is a way to show how much you still love your ex, because relationship only ends when you say it does.