One.Night.Stand

When I first saw her, I knew she was the one that I have been looking for all my life.


Tall, slim, jet black hair and fairly attractive was all I needed to pull me through this night.


What race? Look, I am not here to discriminate nor judge anyone by their skin color. So what if her skin is black, white, yellow or blue? My dick isn’t prejudice; I assure you it will erect if she is hot regardless of the skin color. But wouldn’t it be cool to have sex with a woman who has blue skin? It’ll make you feel like you’re in an Avatar theme porn flick.


But that aside, back to girl. I didn’t know what color her skin was because the lights were dim but I was ready and willing to go all the way with her that night. She may not be as beautiful as Kat Von D but she was good enough for a sleepover.


I couldn’t recall much on how I got her to leave with me but I remember it was real easy , almost a no-brainer and I didn’t have to pull out my bag of tricks. Come to think of it, this girl had the faraway look in her eyes the whole night and she seems to be crawling instead of walking all the way to where I parked my car. Hmmm… I guess that explains why there was alcohol fumes coming right outta her mouth when I was in between her legs. Oh well, no one got charged for rape, so it’s all good.


Seriously, I don’t understand why some people view “one night stand” as a degenerating act? You people shouldn’t believe everything the bible says. To me it’s a fun activity that everyone enjoys (unless you are not doing it right) and you can lose weight in the process too. I mean this is the only form of exercise that the busy working people do these days. You’ll always hear someone say, “I’m too busy to go to the gym” or “I don’t have time to go jogging” but never “I’m too busy to fuck that big boob whore”


Still think that “one night stand” is an immoral act? Well, let me show you the definition of “one night stand” according xniquet’s self-written dictionary:

“…is a GREAT activity that involves 2 strangers where a women strips down and rubs her body against a naked man's, the man will get horny and get a boner then the women lays down, bends over, lays on a table or washing machine, sits on the man, bends backward, legs behind ears or leans against a wall and the man proceeds to push his erected penis into the female's vagina continuously, causing her immense pleasure. She begins to moan until they reaches orgasm in which the man ejaculates and the chick fucking screams. When woman falls asleep, man will quietly gather his stuff leaving no trace that he was ever there, leave and never be heard of again. “

“…or in short, yes, you can safely say that it involves fucking”


I know that "one night stands" are not suppose to be kept in the very corner of our minds but ain’t life grand because most of us will never forget our first random sex and it will forever be burn into our permanent memory.



p.s.: Another way to define “one night stand” is “a pleasant way to get an unpleasant disease”



[for more related nonsense]

Milk N' Roses (Nectar of the Breast)

In my iPod: Lotus Feet - Steve Vai
[download]
State of mind: Injured
Location: Bangalore, India

When you fucking say massage, all I can fucking picture is being in a sleazy room with a 3rd world lady dressed merely in bra and panties who can hardly speak any English but the longest English word that she knows and probably used the most is “Masturbate”. Condoms were kept in the most usual places inside the room from Jacob cracker tin boxes to Milo cans; just in case you get all heated up and want to take your dick for a ride and go the extra mile. But for those who rather not go all the way but still want to blow off some steam; for a little less than the fuck fee, you can always get a hand relief. But the price of the hand relief depends on whether you want her to be naked or not and for a little slightly higher price you can play with her breast while she service your shaft. What can I say, it is pretty standard everywhere.


I am sorry to you ladies with husbands who like going for massages; I just painted you a horrid reality of what really goes on inside a massage room. Now you fucking know, what it really means when your other half and his friends goes for a massage. I know it is not always like this but that was what happened to me when my friends brought me to a little health spa at Hotel Robin, Ipoh. But of course I didn’t do any of the above, not because I am some kind of saint or Boy Scout. If you fucking know me, I live for sex & porn and there is nothing bad that I wouldn’t do. But a man has got to have principles and mine is - I don’t believe in paying for sex. Sex should be free and should not be a fucking business transaction. So what I am trying to say is I will never pay for the service of a prostitute; unless it is free then I am cool about fucking a hooker.


I got the same old feeling of that little massage room in Robin Hotel when I stepped in one of the spa here in Bangalore. What if I succumb to the temptation of sex and went for the full package of fucking my massager’s brains out? Wouldn’t I be going against my non paying sex principle? A moment of anxiety was upon me as I lay naked with my ass facing skyward, waiting for somebody to attend to me; Fuck lord fuck, no super hot semi naked Bollywood like chic walking pass that door please.


But to my dismay, it was more than I anticipated when I slightly tilt my head upwards and saw a pair of hairy legs walking towards me. Spa motherfuckers sent a fucking guy to massage me. Man, this is so icky. Imagine being touched and rub all over by some hairy Indian dude. I know I ask not for a super hot chic but you don’t have to fucking give me a hairy Indian guy right? I would have been content if you gave me a middle aged Indian lady whose nipples were pointed southward or even maybe a butt ugly transgender, but not a hairy curry jockey.


My 45 minutes past like it was a one week’s ordeal and I couldn’t wait to put on my fucking robe, I just couldn’t stop imagining how that guy was drooling all over my bare ass. But I guess my day got better after that, because it was time for me long waited rose petal milk bath.
You know what after the 45 minutes of hell, the milk bath did miracles. I walk out that spa with a swagger and feeling energized, sanitized and virginized as if I was re-hymenated. I think I would definitely come back here again for the heavenly milk bath but not the hellish massage. My days in Bangalore are almost up and I am moving towards my last stop - Mumbai to see the world’s largest brothel.

No, it's not sperm from 1,000 Indian guys, it's milk (nectar of the breast)

Update: I guess I have to postpone my move to Mumbai because I hurt my fucking neck while doing bench pressing while checking out a slightly overweight chic working out in the hotel gym. I could hardly move my neck now, so I will be recuperating until I am able to move my fucking neck. For now, being addicted to the Milk N’ Roses bath, I bought myself a bottle of milk bath but didn’t trouble myself with the rose petal.

Yayys!

23/6 At the Hotel Gym

22/6 Curry Lobster

21/6 Luncheon with Olivia from Sg

18/6 In a bookstore, looking for Iris Chang's book

17/6 Wacthing Angels and Demons

17/6 I got my wings

xniquet's journey across India

King of Fucking the Ladies

playing on my iPod:
The Shock of The Lightning - Oasis
[available for download here]

Let me introduce to my fucking time machine, take a seat, buckle up and let it spread its golden wings. Let’s rewind the cassette to my favorite retro track, so that we can play it while we take the trip as time fades from black to back. So now it’s fucking 1993, Kurt Cobain has just shot his fucking head off with a gun, Guns N Roses hasn’t turned all fucking Chinese Democratic, Metallica was still a rock band and none of the Back Street Boys have pubic hair yet.

I was your average 13 year old kid with average school results. Yeah right, if anyone who knew me back then is reading this, they would know that I lied because modesty was one of my best qualities. You could say that everyone have pretty much figured out my future then based on my academic achievement. It seems that I was destined to have a life of minimum wages, flipping burgers to make ends meet. But how I managed to get through my high school and finally get a college education was still a fucking myth and a miracle even to this day .

Back then, I was just coming out of my Purple Rain cassette daze and into a whole new level of Pearl Jam optical compact disc frenzy which is so fucking cool because you don’t have to fucking rewind or fast forward to get to the song that you fucking like; I was coming out from carrot cut pants and LA Gear sneakers with colorful thick ass shoe laces to deliberately torn straight cuts stone-washed jeans and fucking pair of Dr. Martin’s; I was coming out of using that hair mousse shit on my hair to find the many wonders of hair styling gel but only to find out that our fucking school discipline teacher do not share the same enthusiasm . So like many others who share the love of using that fucking gel substance on our hair during school period, we were to wash out our hair every fucking time there was a fucking spot check. Which makes me wonder did she ever question why all our hair are was always wet when she comes for the spot check? But most of all, I was coming out of from the “I hate girls (are the devils)” phase to the “I fucking love girls (are making me erect)" phase in life. Lust erodes me like cancer and horniness slithers in my vein. As soon as I found out that my penis wasn’t just for pissing, all I wanted to do was sticking it every fucking where; to boldly stick in where no teen my age has.

Her name was Jessica Ong and she was the daughter of a preacher man. It was on a Saturday afternoon, her parents were out visiting church members and I was at her place helping out in arranging chairs for Sunday’s service. But I was really there to help Jessica rearrange her chastity or should I say ours.

So there it was, Jessica, me and the whole fucking church to ourselves and with the fucking God Almighty as our fucking witness, we were ready to fuck in the bible study room. Both of us had no prior experience in fucking but it didn’t stop us from wanting to because we were horny like a couple of bunnies in heat. Even though I was 2 years younger than Jessica but I was the only one who did some sex research; when I say sex research, it wasn’t like reading up on some low life’s blog section on HTML: how to make love. Hell no, the fucking year was 1993 and in Kuantan, we were still a fucking Amish community, there wasn’t any fucking internet. The only thing closest to a sex guide then was the video tape that was wrapped in newspaper hidden in my father’s tool box. Yes, I have spent my hours watching that low grade porno flick, trying to perfect my fucking skills.

So equipped with only the knowledge that has been handed down to me by a fungus filled porno video tape, I was ready to deflower Jessica. I slowly peel off Jessica’s clothes, one by one to reveal her cherry like pink nipples and bushy lawn between her legs. No, Venus was not in fur but this one was in bare skin and she was so motherfucking damn fine that I was on the fucking verge of having a pre-matured spontaneous combustion in my pants but I knew that was all wrong because the guy is suppose to spray his cum on the girls face (I learned that from the porno tape).

So after a little stage one foreplay of tongue crossing, breast groping, nipple twisting and ass spanking, I was ready to move to stage two – licking the bush. So I went down on Jessica and not knowing that I shouldn’t take “licking” the bush literally. I was down there licking my tongue off on Jessica but somehow she didn’t moan or scream (like the girls in the porno flick), in fact she said she didn’t even feel a fucking thing. But I persisted and was determined to find the sweet spot that was going to make her squeal like the girls in that porno flick but it was taking far too long and we had to fucking pull the plug when we heard the church van pulling over.

The next Saturday, I call Jessica to get my second try out but somehow she wasn’t interested in it anymore. That was pretty much how we drifted apart. I was confused about it for a while but you know what I found out later? Motherfucker, did you know there was such a thing call the clitoris and you are suppose to lick that motherfucker instead of the fucking pubic hair. No wonder it tasted like pee and her pubic hair keeps getting stuck on my tongue and teeth. I told a friend about it and he tried to comfort me by saying that maybe the clit was only discovered in the late 90s. Yeah, I know he is a dick but a dick with good intention.

If you ask me how I feel about the whole thing, I would say with much regret... regret that I didn't get to go to stage three where I shove my whole fist into her vagina (just like the porno flick) and then maybe she would be calling out for more (well, the girl in the porno flick did). Technically, I don’t think that incident can be consider as my first time but one thing I know for sure. If I knew back then what I know right now, you know I’ll be the king of fucking the ladies.

P.S. To those who would like to know, stage four is where I am suppose to yank her head by the hair, spit in her mouth and then shove my penis into her mouth all the way. (Hey, I am just following exactly what the porno flick teaches)

P.S.S. For your Information, the title of the porno flick is call “Madam Barbara and the Chamber of Pain”

Tailor-Made for Penis Erection

playing on my iPod:
House of Jazz - AC/DC

It was a dull and boring Wednesday afternoon at Malibu's Bar; unattractive over-sized women draped in undersized clothes (think over-filled chinese meat dumplings "BAK CHANG") was floating around the bar like house flies hovering around heaps of trash looking for a juicy pile of crap to lay maggots.

*Yawns. Excuse my rudeness, but recalling that particular moment bored the fucking shit outta me.

I was down to my second glass of Long Beach Tea when I fucking saw her. Artificial blonde, black tube and an arm band tattoo; thick ass and pointy tits that look like she got it from a high class silcone grocery store. With a face of a Seraph and the body of a Succubi, she sat right next beside me. It was too fucking easy, just like a juicy piece of top grade choice cut placed in front of a famished cannibal, she was ready to be taken in.

You know I could smell her fucking hair and it gave me the thrill; her collar bones were sending me the chills and her fucking hips could make me fill…fill a cup full of semen juice. She stands for everything God have created women for, she was solely made for one fucking reason. Just like the Mother Teressa of all hard on's. She was tailored-made by the fucking divine to give men of all age, size and race a full frontal penile erection. Damnit, these are fucking days when every men with functioning penises are glad to be men. It was also the day when finally a wrenched like me agrees and understood God in the Holy Fucking Bible, when he said in Genesis 1:28 “Be fruitful and increase in number”. Seriously, you don't have to be a fucking bible scholar to understand that bible verse. Well, if you don't, here's the translation in layman terms… “Go Fuck”

But why God why? Fuck why? Why must it be on the day when I am still on a no-sex strike? Fuck that, I am so close yet so far. 11 more days to go before I remove the shrink wrapped around my penis and put it to full use.

*sigh. At the mean time, remember the mind is over the fucking matter and keep saying to myself…

Make Girls Wet by becoming the Grill Fucking Master

playing on my iPod:
Hells Bells - AC/DC

I am fucking sure that many of you would agree (especially guys) when I say the place of a man in the kitchen is sitting down and enjoy the warm and delicious meal that his woman has toll all day long on the stove to make. But sometimes when the meal is just mediocre, the women should throw in a cold beer just to get some extra loving points, and while they are at it, they might as well throw in a blow job after the meal. Any man would probably agree with me that that would be the best dining experience ever. I am not being a chauvinist or anything, but it is the society that decides that this is actually what man and woman's role should be when it comes to the fucking kitchen: women - cook delicious meal and give the blow job; men - eat delicious meal and take the blow job. Hey don't fucking blame me, blame the fucking system.

But when it comes to the mother fucking grill or barbecue pit; it is a man's world and there is no argument about that. Never send a woman to do a man's work because men are kings of the motherfucking grill; we owned that shit. I bet you heard of the phrase King of the Grill and there is no such a thing as Queen of the Grill. It doesn't fucking exist, so fucking deal with it. And nothing spells macho or manliness like a man who knows how to control his fucking grill. When there is a barbecue, never let any women touch your fucking grill, instead ask them to be seated and watch the grill fucking master go into action.

Remember when there is a barbecue that means it is the best time for you to flex your macho muscle and show off your manliness to keep your flock in line. Did I say flock? What I mean were ladies. That is why, wearing the proper attire is very important. Always wear a black band tee with your favorite rock band's name or logo across your chest. If you have a very muscular arm or better yet tattoo, remember to rip off the sleeve, so that the ladies see how fucking macho you are when you fucking work the grill. But if you are too skinning, too fat or too fair, wear long sleeves with your favorite band name written across it. Think baggy cargo or army short pants to go with a loafers or Crocs (any color except pink). If it is not yet night time and it is still bright, remember to wear some cool shades but when it gets dark, remember to take it off before it becomes too misleading.

And here are some extra barbecue ethics you should adhere to when you are working the motherfucking grill. Hold 12" barbecue tongs (should be in direct measurement of your unit) in one hand and a bottle of beer in the other while listening to some manly music which doesn't include any hip-hop, EMO or boy band shit. Instead some classic hard rock music goes very well with the atmosphere. Here are some songs to get you started, "Queen - Don't Stop Me Now", "Nazareth- Hair of the Dog" "AC/DC - Back in Black" and of course my favorite "The Village People - Macho Man" Remember to bang your head slightly to the music as you wait for the meat to cook but not too much. Lastly, this is very important, every time, I repeat EVERY TIME someone (male or female) comes within 3 meter radius of your fucking grill; say "Careful, it is hot here!" and remember to say it loud and clear so that the ladies sitting far away can hear.

If you follow everything that I have taught you above during a barbecue, there isn't a single fucking doubt that you would be making a lot of ladies sitting there watching you get moist in between their legs. When it comes to serving the food, remember to add a little touch of Gordon Ramsay to it. Garnish it with a little green salad, slices of lime, if you have fish and whip up a little Teriyaki sauce to go with the meat. With all the manliness that you have just displayed while you were working that fucking grill and now the finesse in serving the food, you have not only successfully make the ladies wet to their panties but also melt down their defenses. If she is horny enough, you would just have to go in for the kill and seal the deal. Before the night is through, you would be on your knees with her ankles resting on your shoulders, pumping her like a fucking dumb bell.

Anyway, I wrote this post because I just had a great 2 person home garden barbecue dinner yesterday with someone who refuses to be named for now; but knowing my readers' twisted mind, I would have to say "NO", that person is a SHE and is not a transvestite. Thank you.

We had some fucking chicken...

...and some fucking fish...

...with my motherfucking special home-made Teriyaki sauce.

recipe available in the xniquet-wiki: Fucking Teriyaki Sauce

My Apathy

playing on my iPod:
Take Cover - Mr. Big

I went in a bar today, trying to neutralized my current mood poisoning with the strongest stuff they had there; then a women came up to me and start a conversation. She offered me her "services" and mentioned that she can do things that don't even have names for and even though she was fairly aged but she promised that she would make it up with enthusiasm and also for a slightly higher fee she is willing to bring a friend, so that we could engage in a little "menage-a-trios". To be frank, I was baked but not baked enough to bring myself to engage the service of a woman almost two times my age or even initiate a sexual orgy with her and her peer. I decline respectfully and she asked me if I could buy her a drink; seeing that she didn't persist on asking me to take up her offer, I agree on that drink . She made some small talk, like a lonely woman who talks about the weather and all other things. I tried to be pleasant to accommodate her but my head begun to hurt from all the alcohol and her banality. I almost didn't notice it when it happened. I threw up all over her. She was not pleased. I apologized and I left hastily. Then my fucking mood plunged to a record low and it strikes me that what sick and ridiculous puppets we all are, and what a gross stage we call earth that we all dance on. What fun, dancing and fucking. Not a care in the world, not knowing we are nothing. We are not what were intended. I told myself I cannot afford to be naïve anymore. Yes, this fucking world that we live in embraces and nurtures apathy like a virtue. As a matter of fact this apathy has been driven like a stake so deep into our hearts, we begun to use it as a solution. Apathy is our fucking solution to everything. I mean it is so much easier to lose yourself in drugs than to cope with your life. It is easier to steal what you want than earn it. It is easier to beat a child than to raise it. It is easier to run than to stay and try to make things work. It is so much easier to kill yourself and end it all than to endure the pain. Living our life cost, love takes effort, work. Fuck it, I am sick and tired of life and I just don't care anymore.

Kung Fu Sex 2: The Chastity Breaking Monk

Since the beginning time, men have been trying like hell to get into the pants of women; but women being the fussy ones were trying to keep men out of her pants and only let in a few good ones in. Even though both men and women were created equally horny, but somehow, the men’s penis always gets the best of them and women seems to have a built in “on” and “off” sex switch which they can use it at their disposal.

500 years ago, a group ancient monks of the east who was staying next to some hot nuns was sick and tired of jerking off and were trying like hell to get into the pants of nuns; you see most of these monks was sent by their parents into the monastery and did not on their freewill sworn to have a sexless life. And this was one of their motivations, to get laid with them hot nuns next door before they bite the dust. But the determination of the nun to keep their chastity intact was so strong that all attempts by these horny monks did not avail. So these monks introduced human body studies into their curriculum hoping to find a way to get laid with these nuns which made them really good physician only. But in the end, there was a exceptional monk who did not have any interested in studying how the body works but only had a dream of opening a body massage parlor found out that when God created women, He placed several sex chakra or button on the body of the women, so that when the sense of touch and pressure are given to these places, you are not only unleashing the inner beast and leaving her craving for the dick, tongue or something else (use your imagination) but you are also preparing her up for the ultimate orgasm rush. This is the first known documented instruction for foreplay known to men. No tongue, saliva or toys are required because it is an ancient Chinese acupressure massaging technique that only uses your thumb and palms to sex her up and breaking down all her sex resistance. Remember to warm your hands by rubbing them together and then make firm circles in these hot spots:

THE CENTER OF HER CHEST, AROUND HER BREAST BONE

This is to ease off all her anxiety and resistance to sex. It induces calm by “opening the heart”

DOWN BOTH SIDES OF HER SPINES, TO HER LOWER BACK

Here you are directing warm energy from her upper body to her pelvis.

HER BELLY, FRO NAVEL DOWN TO HER PUBIC BONE

It is physical center of the body and ultimately critical to a person’s sexual satisfaction.

INNER LEGS, WORKING FROM ANKLE UP

Arouses the energy line that begins at the big toe ad moves up her leg and to her groin area.

And your think breast grouping, vagina rubbing or pussy chowing would take you far, think again. Applying pressure to those offensives areas would only anger her when she is not in the mood. Trust me you wouldn’t wanna rub a pussy the wrong way. But these spots may not be those areas where guys would usually go for; it would only make you appear to be giving her a relaxing massage but instead you are sexing her up by applying a little pressure to these spots that she can’t resist and before the night is over you will be humping her like a wilder beast. If you are skeptical about the whole thing, you can always use the Zen fingers to check out the level of moistness that the above technique has gotten her. Remember when she is mad at you for some absurd reasons like forgetting anniversary or her birthday and uses her ultimate weapon – the no-sex-for-you strike, the above technique is the best counterstrike, when you are through with it she will be asking for more.