Updates form Under a Coconut Tree

In my iPod: Forever - Breaking Benjamin
[download]
State of mind: Exhausted
Location: Under a coconut tree in Cherating

So here I am blogging to you inside a car from under a coconut tree in the middle of nowhere around Cherating. I am on a little holiday with my dog woawoa to Cherating and there haven't been a place where I can get any internet access but somehow, I manage to leech someone's internet connection from here. You know what, I have seen many useless motherfucking things being created in my lifetime, for example Starbucks - a place to serve overpriced coffee that taste like water mixed with cigarette butts or TMnet - a Malaysian internet service provider who provides broadband services at dial up speed or MACC (Malaysian Anti Coruption Commitee) – a halo so called independent body formed solely to cover all the dirty work and corruptions of the Malaysian government or Facebook – a place to post your useless pictures and tell the whole world what the fuck are you currently doing, i.e. “xniquet is thinking of taking a crap” or “xniquet is taking a crap” or “xniquet just finished taking a crap”. And followed by comments by friends who are concern about you taking a crap.

I mean get real motherfuckers, when are these fucks ever going to wake up and invent something more useful like providing internet services to cars. And I don't mean that 3G bullshit because they are just too slow. So that people who spend a lot of time in cars can surf/download porn or blog or Facebook in their cars. Imagine how revolutionary it will become when people can Facebook while waiting for the lights to turn green, i.e. “xniquet is waiting for the traffic lights to turn green” or maybe it will spawn a whole new live video feed service of live stalking, i.e. we bring you 24/7 live stalking video streaming to your PC for only 1.99 per week. And maybe taxi cabs drivers can turn their taxi into mobile cybercafés and charge their passengers for internet access fees as side incomes.

Alright enough of that bullfuckingshit already, like I fucking said I am a on a short vacation, just me and my dog woawoa. We are staying at a chalet somewhere near Cherating. I had to get a chalet and a place where it is kinda away from everyone because I can't let woawoa run loose when there are too many people around especially Malays. At night I have to sneak her into the chalet because the owner doesn't let pets into their chalet. Other than that it is all fun, me and woawoa had so much fun at the beach that we decided to bring most of the sand from the beach back into our chalet. Now we can even build a sand castle in there.

As for food, I still haven't found a place where they will let you bring your pet along for dinner because most of them are Malay stalls. So I have to pack our dinner and bring it back to our chalet where we will feast on the bed. Well, here's a little travelling tip, when you absolutely, most definitely have to fucking order something from a fucking Malay food stall which you have no fucking idea what is good; always order “Ayam Masak Merah” (fried chicken in sweet and sour sauce) and you won't fucking go wrong. In the fucking East Coast of Peninsular Malaysia, even the shittiest of Ayam Masak Merah will taste good, trust me. I haven't tasted a bad Ayam Masak Merah in all my fucking life staying here. It has been me and woawoa's daily staple for the past two days, I think we both got some nigga's blood in us because we just loves the fried chicken no matter how they are cooked.

In the fucking daylight, I will spent my time at the beach surfing away while woawoa will be running around the beach, swimming and occasionally barking like a fucking idiot at washed to shore tree trunks. And at every end of the day after dinner, woawoa will be so tired that she dosed off so early leaving me all by myself watching movies after movies on my portable DVD player just to kill the time and wait for the next morning to come so that I can start all over again. I haven't have so much fun doing nothing since I have been living a “doing nothing” life , and all the nights having dinner on the bed and never washing our feet before going to bed is just pure bliss. Man I love being sloppy and dirty! I just hope that the chalet owner won't charge us extra for turning this room into one stinking butt filth.

[Below is a picture of woawoa after her bath, so tired that she just wanna lay there and do nothing]

So you see there aren't anything interesting in my life recently, therefore there aren't anything interesting to blog about. But maybe I could do something like seduce a naïvely dumb Malay Kampong girl with big breast that smell like coconut milk, then make out with her in a nearby Surau (small mosque), get caught by the local religious officials and get sue in a Syariah court. Now wouldn't that be something interesting and worth blogging about? You know what, since my Jacob's ladder have long been replaced by an escalator to hell, maybe I should do it because just like Malaysian made cars and shit, I always have a way to get into them.

P.s. Besides watching them darn movies one after another, I have taken a little of my precious time to write reviews for a couple if not all the movies that I have watched and it is posted in the xniquet-wiki. And just before I left for my vacation, I was in a crepes frenzy, so I made a couple a crepes snacks and their recipe can also be found at the xniquet-wiki.

The xniquet-wiki articles:

• Afro Samurai (movie review)
• Blades of Glory (movie review)
• Diary of the Dead (movie review)
• Djinn (movie review)
• Slumdog Millionaire (movie review)
• Underworld:The Rise of Lycans (movie review)
• Chinese Crepe with Peking Sauce (recipe)
• Chicken Salad Wrap(recipe)
• Crispy Bacon Salad Crepe (recipe)

Reunion?

playing on my iPod:
Canon in D - Vienna Boys Choir
(but it sounded more like "O Fortuna" to me today)

6:01pm First fucking day of the fucking Chinese Lunar New Year, I am looking at my own fucking reflection in the mirror, feeling like my whole existence is flawed and wondering what the fuck went wrong. You see I decided to stop being so Amish and drop my habit of plucking my eyebrow and usher myself into a new era of eyebrow grooming with my new electric eyebrow trimmer that I purchased from Watson. Just under RM13.00, this baby guarantees you an easy and pain free eyebrow shaping experience But it never said it was free of any grooming accident. Now with my hair tied back, I fucking looked like a transvestite; with a little eyeliner, mascara, lip gloss and a hot party dress; I would be ready to hit the street. Fuck that shit! But that wasn’t what that was really bothering me.

I needed a dosage of music to turn my frown upside down. Nope heavy ass metal won’t do, so I turn to some Baroque. I scroll down my iPod to find Vivaldi’s Four Seasons – Spring 1st Allegro. I was hoping that it would be uplifting but somehow today it sounded more like Winter to me. I let out a breath but it wasn’t of relief but of dreadfulness. In less than an hour, I will be in a 5 Star Restaurant having my annual family reunion dinner but with the amount of people that will be there, it felt more like a clan dinner. This is the fucking lowest point of my festivity because I am such a party pooper. If there was a party vigilante, I would fucking be on top of his hit list. But maybe it is just me growing into a full bloom green fur Grinch that fucking hates Chinese New Year or I am slowly turning into a fucking hermit who dislikes the presences of noisy cum nosey family members around me. I don’t see what is the big fucking deal with the whole reunion shit. They don’t call or talk or take notice of me on other days of the year but right now they wanna pretend to be interested in how my fucking life has been the past year and suddenly want me to be their buddy?

As usual my dad will be seated with his peers and if there is ever a conversation brought up about me in that table, it would be whether I am a fucking Goat or a fucking Monkey because I was the only one in the family who was born early January which raises the question of which Chinese Horoscope Livestock I fall into. While the talk about livestock rages on there, I am left seated in a table with my peers of which I am the youngest and only one without any offspring. Well, I could be seated with my nephews and nieces on the other table but I would have to communicate with them in diapers and nursery rhymes, so I rather take my chances seated in this fucking table.

And so with the ceiling mounted speaker playing Chinese New Year Songs above my head, I put on my fakest smile and try to be pleasant, merry and joyous as I try to survive this year’s dinner.

As the dishes started to roll out, the questions started to roll in. For crying out loud and for the 100th time, I am no longer in college and yes I am working...well, almost, but that wasn't the whole fucking point. You wouldn’t know the torment I was in, between the tiger prawn and abalone and also the steam sea bass and scallop , I was practically praying to all the gods and angels like a fucking pagan and if I was able to go on my knees I would have been praying like Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane asking the fucking almighty to take this cup away from me.



10:44pm my ordeal was coming to an end, now I just have to continue on holding this fucking fake smile as I say my goodbyes, get into my car and bullet from there like a bat outta hell.

With Bach’s Air on G string playing in the background(yes, today i was rather in the mood for some soft strings and cello rather than the sound of guitars in overdrive), my first day of the Fucking Chinese Cow Year draws to an end, and like usual I took out the red packets that I have collected from the dinner and was about to put them inside my car as emergency cash (now you know where i keep my red packet cash), I notice something that I never realized until now. My name was written on every fucking single red packet; I went through all the red packets that I have collected throughout the years and my name was on every one of it. You know what, that scribbled name on the side of the red packet meant more than the 100s and 50s notes inside of it; it meant that that particular red packet was for me and only me. I was fucking speechless, how could I be so fucking blind?

Now I fucking see that even though it is just so amazing; amazingly how much they and I have nothing in common, yet it has never stopped them from trying to get close to me and no matter how much of an alien, pariah, or an outcast I am to them, I was still fucking family to them and will always be.


So my festivity had a rough start unlike her's - it was a walk in the park all the way from the start... "Peanuts and TV"

Lastly, I haven't been getting much interesting hate mails lately except for this dude/babe who totally loath my anorexic post. And I thought the last hate mail was lenghty and hard to understand, wait till you see THIS ONE.

College Chic

playing on my iPod:
Goin' Where the Wind Blows - Mr. Big

While I am on the road, woawoa who always aspire to be a veterinarian is working hard towards her goal. But too bad there is not a single college for dogs who wants to be a veterinarian, none that I know of. So the closest I can do was to send her to obedient college for pets. After 3 years, the only tricks she knows are SIT and HIGH 5 which she only would execute when she is in the mood or there is food involve. Hopefully, when I see her again, she might have learned some new tricks like pulling a rabbit outta a hat. Time sure flies, it just felt like only yesterday I was mopping woawoa's pee off the floor and now she is college student. So evie, now you know :) One thing I miss being on the road is not having my doggie powered alarm clock waking me up in the morning.

The Webcam Whores Strikes Back

I know I said the webcam is lame and I know I said that I wasn’t going to camwhore in front of the webcam with woawoa and THIS would be the last time. Yet I succumbed to a super psychic hot girl (name withheld because she doesn’t want to)who went all Hannibal Lecter on me and made me switch on my webcam. But somehow, I reckon I am not what the chic wants to see thru the webcam but rather woawoa (she is the chic magnet), darn it. Anyway, this is just another one of those lame updates to commemorate the lame actions that took place last night. What to do, I am still typing with one hands because my left hand is still sore and numb. Till then a short post would have to suffice in keeping my blogging monkey inside me happy and intact.

A Day in xniquet’s Busy Working Life

Sometimes I wonder how my life was going to be like if I am a clockwork white collar slave living in this laid back beach town. It’s been so long since I was a white collar plowing my ass off, but everything has changed since I came back to my home town. My routine are like biking, surfing, drinking, jamming with the band, play PlayStation or watch DVD till I pass out and repeat all over again and oh I miss something, blogging too. Life is so mundane back here, so much so that I have enough time to visit a cafeteria 7 times a day for two days, just to see a girl who later became my fiancé. But once every year, I get to play the role of a white collar slave and it is today. Because today is my company’s Annual General Meeting (AGM) where Shareholders and directors, company secretary and auditors are to hold a fucking meeting to adopt the year’s audited accounts, reappointment of auditor and other shit that they fucking list on the meeting’s agenda. It is so fucking boring, I wish they could just skip all the bullshit and fast forward to the part where I sign and leave; that would be great. I would have send my trusted proxy (woawoa) to attend the meeting on my behalf but she was just too busy barking at my neighbor’s chickens, so I just had to do it on my own. Besides I also wanted to know if there is any increment on the director’s fees. [Keeps finger cross].Like any other day, it started with me walking my proxy out to do her business and then a visit to my late wife’s resting place. Head home to do a little QiGong meditation and a working out to the Village People’s Macho Man. My breakfast this morning was GALI MEE (curry noodles)- It is a very common breakfast for the people in Kuantan and as usual my proxy will always be there when I am going to eat something.

These are the things that I brought to my meeting and every other day that I go in my office:

1 iPod:
A must have, I cannot live without it.

2 Pocket PC:
When I am in the toilet doing my business; I am particular fond of reading blogs in the toilet.

3 Sun Glasses:
In case it gets really sunny or I have to drive.

4 Cologne:
In case some dipshit decides to smoke in the meeting and leaving me smelling like ciggy.

5 Pens:
Obviously for writing and signing, duhhhh.

6 Flask:
the coffee in the office stinks, I need to add in something extra.

7 Purse:
I don’t use a wallet.

8 House phone:
my office is just across my house and I can get my house calls even when I am in the of

Meeting starts
*cricket sound*
ZZZzzZZZZZZZzzZZZzzzZZz
*snores*

Wakes up to sign papers and YAYY! It is over, after shaking the hands of the other directors and the rest of the people, I bid them good bye and see them next year. I walked across the one lane street and went into my house and had nuggets, sausages, toast with cheese, cauliflower and raw tomatoes for lunch. After which I continue to Sex Wax my surfboard and then proceed to the beach to surf.



The time was 7pm when I came back from the beach, only to be greeted by the orange sky. I don’t know about you, but it is pretty common here in Kuantan. After a nice warm bath, felt too tired to eat, so skipped dinner and did a finger exercise with the PS3. After that I decided to switch on my desktop only to do some blogging, only to be smack on the head by Lisa, who then send me off to bed after a cuppa Chamomile blend to help me sleep because I am suppose to wake up at 5am for surfing the next day. So I guess with her highness around, I won’t be able to produce as much post as I used to.Anyway, [*points to the right] enjoy episode one of the red groteskes TV which feature my proxy woa woa.