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Now, every time I listen to Pearl Jam’s version of Soldier of Love which goes “Lay down your guns and surrender to me”, chill to spirals down my spine. I know this post might be the total opposite of what I wrote yesterday, but sometimes the whole notion of getting married and living together really gets to me. My free spirit just feels like it is going to be lock up in a cage despite of its rage. When I just close my eyes, a hundred million thoughts flocks my mind. You know the type of thoughts where you feel like your routine in life has been disrupted, feeling being directed into another direction. The destructive person inside me has been forced to change into someone who thinks about consequences, which is a good thing, but not necessary comfortable. I want to break out of the mundane, I don’t want to just be another one who takes the plunge and then bites the dust. My thoughts just couldn’t stop revolving around the things that is changing around my life. It is not big things; it is just the itsy bitsy details in life that had been disrupted since I got engaged. When I first told Her that even though she isn’t moving in to stay with me, she could at least move in some stuff of her personal stuff into my room so that it would be easier for her. I wanted to make her feel that she was already part of my life; I know it is my on doing for asking her to do so…
Guys are spontaneous and lively beings who are really logic when it comes to arranging their CDs while girls are just how you say – totally systematic logic. I tend to put all the good stuff I listen on the top left of my shelf and all the crappy stuff which I listen to in dog years will be on the bottom right of the CD shelf. But when I wanted to look for my U2 Zooropa CD I couldn’t find it fast because She have already arranged my CD in alphabetical order. I had to be on my hands and knees to get that CD and you know with the amount of CDs I have it would take me sometime before I reach the “U” section.
Have you ever wonder why is the female magazine so fucking thick? I thought magazine was supposed to be thin and easy to bring around so that you can read it whiles you crap or lay down on your bed. But why do some magazines has 840 pages?? I don’t think they should be called Vogue magazine, they should be called Vogue novel or something, but wait, now I see, it can’t be called a novel because the magazine isn’t full of words; it is full of bloody adverts and pictures. I thought women being the self proclaimed more intelligent being that loves to read more than the male are big time reader; they are just the same, while they complain that men lust at picture of women with large breastsssss, women lust at a while different kind of porn from Louis Vuitton hand bags to Prada shoes to Channel Sunglasses to makeup stuff and shit like that. But it was my own fault that my bed side table is filled with telephone book size girlie magazine because I ask Her to bring a couple of her magazine just in case I had to “work” late on my Lappie or PS3 and don’t have the time to entertain her.
Being label as a man’s man by my friends I tend to keep that title and reputation, being a mountain bike, surfer and jungle trekker, you just gotta keep up with the macho taste in everything you do and own to hold on to that title. And that means your DVD collection too, a real man has got to have movies that promote blood, gore, horror, sex and violence in their collection and not lovey dovey tear jerking movie, but I do have to admit I still watch them but I just don’t collect them. Throughout the years, I have been very careful in choosing what is going to be in my DVD collection, for example all the movies that Quentin Tarantino had made, Japanese samurai cult movie that had been banned, i.e. Shogun assassin, my personal favorite a Korean movie call Old Boy (loves it when the hero removes the villain’s teeth one by one with a hammer) and also any anime that promotes sex and violence is all good for my collection. But when I found movies like Titanic, You Got Mail, Must Love Dog or Made of Honor in this collection, I realized that I am slowly turning soft. Even in the concert section of my DVD collection, Celline Dion doesn’t go too well with Korn , Nine Inch Nails, Marilyn Manson and AC/DC ‘s concert. Fuck that, I think I am going to lose my title.
And it comes to a boil when I stepped on my plane to LA; took out my iPod and played it on shuffle because I didn’t have any song to listen to at that time. I nearly fell off my fucking seat when Back Street Boys singing inside my fucking ears. Now even my music library has been changed.
I know you might think that it is just overreacting and with love there sure be a compromise. But I just seem to get these telephone calls from my heart, making me realized that sometimes it is just no okie. I try to level it off and trying to understand that I am just going through a phase but something inside tells me it is just not the same. I have been alone for far too long and sharing my life with someone is something that I am not sure I could handle right now, so remember to wave your hands when you see my drown in this and listen to me scream quietly…
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