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In my iPod:Why Me- Skold vs. KMFDM
[download]
State of mind:Stuttering
Location:Home

I got the dare-devil's balls when it comes to surfing blind at midnight; I got the rush of a steroid pumped junkie when it comes to jumping off a unfamiliar downhill trial on my bike; I got the juice of a pervert to grope the fucking tits of a transvestite; I got the lunacy and madness of Tyler Durden when it comes to a fight or just shoving pastors up a fucking wall; I got the great wall of China's thickness for a face when it comes to asking random girls in bars whether they wanna fuck; I got the widest grin in my fucking face and it doesn't even bother me a single bit knowing that I am going to hell. It seems like there is just nothing that could even fucking break me down.

You know I never felt a single ounce of fucking shame when I talk to a girl but every time I think about her, I s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-stutter in my head, WTF! I am even stuttering bloging this out; I know not why but all this new and strange fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fucking feeling inside of me is so hard to comprehend. Just talking to her makes me feel like there is a c-c-c-c-c--c-c-change from within.

After all the fucking shit that I have been through, I am not just one of those fucking clone that can simply fall for someone I haven't even m-m-m-m-m-m-met. There must be a system e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-error somewhere within my fucking heart.

Hope

In my iPod:Better - Guns N' Roses
State of mind:Dazed
Location:Home

It was a comatose weekend; so dazed and stupor that if you were to collect it with a syringe and then inject it into a person, it would induce a twilight sleep that is very similar to a shot full of morphine and scopolamine. No adrenaline filled downhill ride, no soaring with the Todak on top of the waves in South China Sea, no slaving in the burning kitchen to create bizarre dishes that sometimes I don't even consume at all; and no crazy wild fucked up sex with random slutty women picked up from the bar. It was just a quiet weekend, caged up inside my room with no internet, no cable TV, no cell phone, no connection with the outside world. Sometimes, I really needed to be disconnected from everything to feel connected with myself. I am sorry if I haven't reply the overwhelming amount of text messages asking me where the fuck am I and what the fuck happened to me? Absolutely NOTHING happened to me. So now you know. Nevertheless, I thank you all for taking the time to text and even call me when I am so un-deserving of your concern. I know I have been a pain in the ass and a real asshole when it comes to replying text messages and calls. If you know me long enough, you will know that disappearing and reappearing is one of my signature trademarks.

It was indeed a quiet weekend but not peaceful because there was a maelstrom raging inside of me; the cause of it was my sudden outburst of violence towards my dad's pastor. No I wasn't regretting a single bit of what I did to the pastor but it was the trying to get it into the thick skull of my dad, to make him see that what I did was totally justifiable and right. Just because his pastor carries a fucking bible around, doesn't mean he has the fucking right to trash talk as he like. I had a fucking big argument with my dad after that and we haven't spoken since. As the ungovernable son, I am not totally unimpeachable but in this particular matter, that piece of human trash you call man of god is in the wrong.

Deep down I hope that this wouldn't last that long. I hope he will come around and see that fucking fork tongue pastor is spitting venom every fucking time he opens his fucking mouth. I hope that this won't end up like what happened to me and my estrange sister, we haven't spoken in years. I hope… We always say we hope for this and we hope for that; hope gives us strength, hope carries us through shit. But only a fool hopes. When we hope, we expect for the best in the end and most of the time when the outcome turns sour, we fall even harder.

Do you know what HOPE stands for me?

To this troubled heart of mine, that is exactly what hope means. I would rather look for a twist of fate or a change of heart...

I Want to Kill You Like They Do in the Movies

In my iPod:Soul of a Man - Beck
[download]
State of mind:Homicidal
Location:Home

Wouldn't it be nice if I could just strike this hammer onto someone's head, bust a hole big enough so that I could use this giant hook, to scrap out all the brain matters from the head and then sprinkle some lime inside the skull. Maybe I could lock someone up and then cut off one of his limps per day, then cook it and feed it to him and at the end when all his limps are gone, I will show him the video of me cooking his limps and then feeding it to him. Probably he will choke and die in his own vomit after finding out about his compelled cannibalism. If not, I'll do it the old fashion way. Pour a gallon of gasoline into his body and then shove a life wire in and watch him fucking burn from the inside out.

I swear to fucking god if that fucking preacher doesn't shut the hell up and keep on talking cock about matters surrounding my mother's passing, I am making sure that the way he dies will be an epic story that will be made into a Hollywood blockbuster. I have had enough of his fucking bullshit and crap and I fucking regretted not breaking his face the first time. But I have no remorse shoving him to the wall today, if it wasn't the fact that someone pull me away. I would have given him a broken nose and a fat lip. Even though I didn't punch him in the face today but shoving him hard against the wall felt good. I don't know where all this violence in me came from but I know it was his trash talking that fuel this rage inside of me to fucking have this outburst. You can brand me malignant but that fucker had it coming.

The thought of fucking killing someone does cross our mind once awhile, but most of us, doesn't say it out. Yeah I know it is a fucking serious crime, but is it a fucking crime to think about it in your head? Does that amounts to crime? The fucking bible says yeah even when you think about it but that is not what our society's laws says. So I guess it is pretty safe to think about it. I know you might think that I am a sick bastard but I know some of you did think about it when someone made you very very angry or when someone fucked you up real bad.

It is alright to think about killing someone you fucking hate, it is in our fucking gene because we are the descendant of Cain - Adam's son who kill his brother and became the world's first murderer. We inherited his murderous hate. Don't blame us but blame the fucker that made us this way.

Some of us can control this urge but some of us can't. That is why you see people killing people every fucking day. So what about those who are at the borderline and are on the edge, waiting for someone to tick them off before they go on a fucking rampage killing everyone in sight? There is just no way you can ever find out who they are. Who knows your neighbor or close colleague or even your child's nanny is on the verge of going postal?

...by shoving a crucifix up his ass? You know what they say about Eric Harries and Dylan Klebold before it happened. They were very bright young men who are very likely to succeed in life and intelligent enough to make any dream a reality. One thing these dipshits manage to turn into reality is the massacre of fellow students and teachers at Columbine High School, Littleton, Colorado.

Eric, Dylan and I do share some common interest that is killing people and listening to KMFDM's music.

P.s. I was just kidding about the last line above. Got you thinking I am some nut job didn't I? I think most of you know me better than that. Of course, I am more into Marilyn Manson than KMFDM .

P.s.s. The title of this post is to commemorate the upcoming Marilyn Manson's release - The High End of Low and also the free downloads entitled "We are from America" which is going to be available on 27 March 2009. Fuck man, I can't wait for the new stuff.

When I Think of You... I Hope You Fucking Choke

In my iPod:Me and My Gun - KMFDM
[download]
State of mind: Sour Grape
Location:The Pit

It was the boy's night out and there is nothing I could ever ask for but a great dinner at my favorite grill house - The Pit. We just got back from our downhill biking road trip and being through days of mud, rain, bruises and shitty food and on top of that, I was sick for a day due to extreme dehydration. So I was really looking forward for a great night out with the boys. A nice bottle of Chardonnay, a rare n bloody burgundy steak and the company of two biking buddies; how could anything go wrong?

But right between the escargot appetizer n lobster soup, I have to bloody catch a glimpse of her. I knew that eventually I would bump into her but just not like this. I have never thought that I'll see my ex fiance with another man (not so soon) and she looked so beautiful that night that it almost hurts. Cocksucking motherfucking shit, all hell has got to break loose on the night where I just wanna relax and enjoy myself.

My bloody night was ruined, my steak has no taste and the wine doesn't seem to have any alcohol in them anymore. My buddies talked to me but I just couldn't pay attention to what they are saying All I could think of is what the fuck are they having on the other table? I mean for Christ fucking sake, does he knows that she drinks her water chilled and not iced because of her sensitive gum? Does he know that she will get a migraine if she sits directly under the lamp? Does he even know how to treat a lady? With his totally innocent cum gay short hair and a fucking t-shirt saying "Kuantan Blood Drive", I bet he is some kind of psycho killer out for blood of the innocent. I am fucking choking here; it must be my oversize collar-less t-shirt that i was wearing. I had to get outta there.

I caught a chill there that night and now I am frozen stiff to my fucking spine. I don't know why I am suddenly not over her? I mean I should; she seems to be very over me. Now look at me, my damn perception must be down again because I am messed up deeper than I thought I would be. I guess I have not healed with time. I need something to wash this feeling, this thought, this plague of her away. No, the blood of fucking Christ can't get it done but a good old bottle of Tennessee whiskey may. Maybe two bottles, if I am still standing after I finished my first. I know I shouldn't be drinking when my doctor just told me not to, but with nights like this, it is completely alright to fucking drink your life away. Then maybe the ghost of her can stop haunting me and let my fucking heart rest in pieces.

[after 2 minutes]

Update 1#: Even though his car is shinier than mine (hey, it was fucking raining and I didn't wash mine ok?), I hope it gets them nowhere.

[after 3 minutes]

Update 2#: NO... I am sorry; I didn't mean to say that, I just want the best for her.

[after 2 minutes]

Update 3#: You know what, I hope they fucking choke on the fucking meringue that they had for dessert for fucking ruining my dinner!

[after 30 seconds]

Update 4#: Hey Lisa, the next time you see me in that grill house, it will be with two sexy hot chics and not with 2 guys like I am some fucking homo.

The Local Legend

In my iPod: I Dare You - Shinedown
[download]
State of mind: High on Speed
Location: Sg. Lembing, MY

So here's the fucking facts: I am just a motherfucking dick hair away from turning 30; I am becoming closer to having a bat's eyesight due to the continuous abuse of my eyes courtesy of blogging and porn appreciation in the pitch dark; I am diagnosed with hypertension because of my destructive lifestyle of excessive alcohol intake and deprivation of sleep; my frequent accidents from macho stunts (but some would say it is just me doing what I do best, that is being a jackass) has left a trail of scars and bruises all over my body and to top it up, I may never fully recover from the accident that I was in a year ago because every time I try pushing myself to the limit it fucking hurts like hell. So in other words, yes I am pretty fucked which some of you may have already know but what I mean here is I am pretty fucked on the inside-out.

"Today xniquet celebrates the one year anniversary of getting his foot smashed on a fucking huge rock while trying to pull a midnight surfing stunt at Teluk Chempedak last year. Not only it turned his fucking foot into a hog's foot but it also gave him the fucking Sepsis. No it isn't VD but it is blood poisoning. xniquet is highly allergy to shell fish. So now you haters know how to kill him."

This isn't a lampoon or a satire in nature but just the fucking facts; you see, to these new kids who think that are so fucking hip because their dad bought them a fucking new bike (not knowing that it gave their dads a wallet meltdown) I was the washed out old fart who should be wearing goofy pants and shoes, and I should playing golf on a Sunday afternoon instead of this. Well fuck that, the only way that they are going to stop me from enjoying my favorite sport of downhill biking is when they fucking put an iron lung on me. I was once their fucking age too but I don't go around bragging about how great my fucking bike is because it costs a whooping RM23K. I have the same shit that they are riding but I don't pull my fucking brake level every time I see a pebble in my riding path. That is fucking pathetic; those faggots are riding their bikes like bitches; it is a fucking insult to the bike because these bikes are made for super rough terrain and going over and through tree trunks, rocks and shit like that. It is not some fucking unicorn soft toy they pet and masturbate to at night before they fucking go to sleep. Downhill bikes are made for speeding and getting trashed. Damn kids these days just like to talk trash and when it comes to backing it up, they are like a bunch of pussies. You know what, I hope they get their face smash up against a tree while riding and their fucking braces gets knock in so deep inside that they will be permanently wearing the bracers for the fucking rest of their life. Nah, I ain't that mean. I was only joking; I would be heartbroken if anything would to happen to that fucking tree.

You know what, if you ask my biking peers and local bike vendors who knows me, I am some sort of a local legend when it comes to downhill biking. Why is it so? Well it is because a couple of years back, I took the steepest downhill ride of them all and I must have broken every goddamn record ever set. But too bad there wasn't any official record. It was said that I rode down that motherfucking hill at 70mph without even using my brakes once. Yeah I know it is hard to believe but that is how the legend goes. Some even said that I was born of dare-devil incubus that is why I was able to complete that feat.

But just to make things clear; yes I did rode down that hill at 70mph and yes I didn't even use my brakes even once. I would if I could because I forgot to put back the clips on my V-brakes before jumping off that hill and I think you can guess the rest. What fucking brakes? I didn't have any brakes at all. I must have been shooting four leave clovers outta my fucking ass that day because I didn't get any serious injury, just minor scratches from the trees and bushes. Local legend? More like a local Idiot if you ask me.

I am getting too old for shit like that, my recovery rate isn't what the fuck it used to be. That is why I switched to hydraulic disc brakes. So this is me blogging from Sg. Lembing, a hick ass town just outside of town which used to be a tin mine town but now it has only Jack and shit and Jack has left town. There's nothing interesting here except for a motor cross track which is why we are here for the last two days of this downhill fun-filled weekend.

You know beside my talent of always getting me in dipshit ^{[1] [2]} and also being a local legend (idiot), I am pretty good at getting hurt too. But that is what downhill biking is all about, getting dirty and bloody. It works better when you have someone to go home to, so that you will be pampered and taken care of.

Too bad I ain't got shit waiting for me at home but I am not even going to complain because I simply love this downhill shit too much…

I would never trade this fucking feeling for a life living in the playboy mansion fucking playmates like Hugh Haffner, just gimme an iPod filled with tunes ^[3] and a steep hill to fucking jump from.

FOOTNOTES:

^[1] You know I wonder, when there is a quota from stopping the Bumiputeras (aborigines) in Malaysia from getting any dumber by limiting the number of other races from getting in the local universities, why can't there be like a quota for a person from getting themselves into shit? When a man has reached his shit quota, he should be completely immune from it. And I don't mean shit like getting bark at by a nameless mad mungrel in your own tag box (see below) or even getting death threats by anonymous readers for writing post that they deemed was an insult to the Sultan of Perak or much recently some emails saying that Christians will still pray for my condemned soul (I guess it was my previous post); these are nothing to me. What I fucking meant was like getting myself branded as a jackass for doing stupid stunts when all I wanted to do is ride fast. I am always misunderstood… Dear blog, sometimes I think you are the only one that fucking understands me, you now I'll make love to you right now if only you got a vagina…

^[2] …but not an anus because I still can't get over the dick cover in shit thing.

^[3] Here's a list of songs that you should be packing your iPod with when you are fucking ready to jump that cliff...

1. My Own Worst Enemy - Saliva feat. Brent Smith
2. Sound of Madness - Shinedown
3. Z28 - Static-X
4. Lifeline - Papa Roach
5. I Dare You - Shinedown

all the above track can be downloaded at:

I am the Product of Your Church

In my iPod: Hunt You Down - Saliva
[download]
State of mind: Corrupted
Location: Public Library

WARNING: completely disrespectful and heretic post up ahead, if you are a Christian and don't want to be offended, I suggest you get the hell outta here. Was I under the influence of the devil when I wrote this? No I was just letting my demon roam free and I wrote down my thought of what 11 years of being in the church has made me.

Then suddenly this floodgate just fucking burst open inside of me and I started spitting out everything even my fucking thoughts…

I was 3 when they brought me to Sunday school. It was my aunt's idea because I didn't have many friends where I was living, most of them were adults. So she thought that it would be good to have me mingle around with kids my age. I never complaint about Sunday school even though I don't know what the fuck is going on there, the bottom line is you get presents and candy every week.

Come secondary school, I was fucking promoted to bible class. Bible class if a whole different kind of ball game, they don't give you sweets and coloring to do anymore, instead they fill your head with scary things about the fucking bible, how the fucking world is going to end and if you don't fucking accept the lord as your fucking savior. When the world fucking ends you are going to be cast into a lake of fire, you would die but you are going to be burn over and over again. But before that the fucking rapture will happen and everyone whom you ever love here is going to be caught up to the sky, you and the other sinful non Christian are going to be left behind to suffer before dying a horrible death in the hands of the Antichrist. Then you will be judge in front of every fucking one with all your fucking secrets and sins exposed. All these will happen to you if you don't accept Christ as your fucking Savior.

Fuck peace within, there are no peace, my nightmares about the fucking end of the world have only started and it kept on eating me like cancer for so long. I accepted Christ as my fucking savior that year and I was baptize a few months after that.

I was given more responsibility in church. They say that you should fucking serve according to your gifts in the house of the lord and by then I was serving in the music ministry and also as a youth leader. I was sent to music camps, youth leadership camps, bible schools and all sort of those shit that Christian organize during school breaks. Even before I left school, I was already an elite camper and went to these camps as camp adviser rather than just a regular camper. All these have made me so fucking familiar with the holy bible; ask me a fucking story or passage from it and I can pin point where it is taken from and even tell you what it fucking means.

Do I live by the fucking book? Hell no. Did I have faith? Yes, faith driven by fear and not love. And it took me 11 years to fucking realized that it is better to know where you are going than to be constantly living in fear. So I fucking flip my middle finger and said fuck you Jesus, I am outta here and that was the last time I ever stepped in the church as a believer. I rather be burn over and over again then be constantly fuck in the ass by your fucking rod of fear. I was living a lie if I would have continue on and what I was teaching the kids at Sunday school and bible class was what I never choose to believe but was forced to. The fucking hymns that I played and sang were but a false declaration of my faith, so I burn all my hymns books and watch it turned to ashes.

But the high end of this low point of my life is that I found that I had the power to influence people especially kids and teenagers; I mean I was fucking taught how to do it when I attended all those leadership bullshit camps and seminars. And If I wanted revenge, it would be a slice of cake feeding fear to the kids that I teach in church; I would be pumping these kids with fear that their dreams will be filled with nightmare. Given the knowledge of the bible that I acquire from bible school , I could easily twist the truth and I could even promote lesbianism to naïve girls who parents are so strict to where they go and friends they hang out with but doesn't care who the fuck they are with in church. So much trust for the taking... I could turn her into a lesbian or maybe a slut who loves to fuck or corrupt guys to do things that are immoral and sexually questionable. Maybe if I am a pedophile, Sunday school will just be like a hunting ground filled with fresh prey. I could do anything I want to here because no one will suspect you. Molesting and fondling the genitals of these little children and sexually abuse them has never been so easy; it is like a fucking buffet spread made for pedophiles.

What is that you say? You are going to send your kids to Sunday school? You fucking sure? Don't blame the corrupter but blame the ones who had created him because what he does is the byproduct of the fucking church and now the innocent children are paying for the sins that their fucking fathers have committed.

So you think that I am sick? At least I am just thinking about the “what if's”; you should be really worrying about those who are already lurking inside your churches and some of them don't necessarily get off by fondling or molesting kiddy genitals; I heard finger fucking undeveloped genitals are the in thing for pedophile. Read the news, maybe you will see that most of these child molesters and rapist are actually religious teachers or priest hiding behind their beliefs.