Somebody Gotta Feel this Fist of Hate

playing on my iPod:
Take a Bow - Rihanna

It started when I put Tom Yum paste instead of ground cinnamon into my coffee because both of the containers were the same. My shirt was ruined when I spit the tainted hot coffee outta my mouth, so I have to go upstairs and change. As I was about to stepped out of the door, my dog woa woa accidentally stepped on my bad toe; imagine 25kgs of concentrated full bodied dog meat come crushing down on a hurting and bleeding toe. It left me limping as I cut across the street from my house to my office. If there was ever a time that I need to be wheelchair across the street and carried up a steep flight of stair like a motherfucking cripple, it was now.

I was late for the meeting, thanks to my series of unfortunate events. Everyone was already waiting for me in the board room. Since I am already late, what the heck, I asked someone to fix me coffee because I didn't manage to have any this morning. She brought me a cup of coffee that tasted like cappuccino and some cakes which made it super awkward. I don't mind the coffee but the cakes were totally unnecessary. It made the room smell like butter. Sometimes, people just go out all the way trying to impress you but ended up doing a far worst job that they should. Man, these people I am having meeting with must be thinking I was the one who asked for the damn cakes. Sitting there in the board room, I couldn't get in a single thing that they were saying. I am so fucking pissed and my head feels like 3 times larger its size, compliments from a night of tequilas and scotches; all I can think of is who I am going to blow out at after this. I am looking for a person who going to fuck up the program and I am so going to bring him/her into my office and then blow them into smithereens. I am just sitting here fabricating and contemplating who I am going kick around later. Bloody hell! Am I turning into one of them bosses who gets off picking on workers because they had a bad day? Am I turning into something that used to haunt my working days and have sworn never to become? So I excused myself for not feeling well and asked them to continue on with the meeting without me. I gotta get out from that shit hole before I blow and unleash my wrath on the innocents. *closes eyes and breathe in slowly*

I was like the walking dead as I cross the streets to go back home, but my unfortunate events didn't just stopped there. Once again, my bad toe stepped into a puddle of muddy water which made it stinking painful. God damn it, why does it have to all come down on me today? I went home to fucking clean it before it gets infection, only to find out that I had a prior lunch appointment with my dad and a church minister. So I had to rush. Before this I have never seen the minister but HIS FACE!!! His repugnant face just gives me the creeps.

The lunch was a slow ass one, like it will never end; the motherfucking church minister just kept on talking and what registered in my brain was like this...HEBEDEE! JEBEDEE! HU-BLAA! ABRAHAM THIS AND MOSES THAT, JESUS HIT ME WITH A FUCKING BASEBALL BAT! Nothing seems to make sense at all; he just keeps talking and talking and talking. Jesus H Christ, if he takes the Sunday morning pulpit, you would very much find the church floor filled with dead bodies killed by his senseless and boring sermon and not to mention repulsive face. Right now I am a mushroom-cloud-layin' motherfucker; every time he opens his god damn mouth, I turned into super fly TNT, and I'm the Guns of Navarone ; I am God's motherfucking vengeance who would love to jump right over this table and rip his damn tongue off, shove it up his ass so that the next time his shit, it will be all over his fucking tongue. But right now, knocking his teeth in and giving that minister a fat lip is what I have in mind, the more I thought about it, the more exhilarated I get. I never really thought about it until now, but punching a man of God in the face is something I very much like to do. I am giving him 10 minutes; if he doesn't shut the hell up, I am fully justified to break his face and fucking ripped his head off with my bare hands. So I clench my fucking fist of hate and visualize what will be going down at T minus 9 minutes.

This blog and the internet has taken far too much of my life and it is time for me to pull the plug and hit the kill switch and so I hereby announce I am taking a long break from blogging and also from the internet, it could be weeks, months, and years or maybe permanent, wherever it leads me; I am currently on a road trip to around to wherever my feet leads me. The internet has done miracle to my life, it gave me the chance to connect with people from all ages, races, sexual orientation and all around the world, learning from them and sharing with them. I am grateful to be able to have known great blogging friends whom do matter in my life. But so much so that I have forgotten and diverted most of my attention to this virtual world that I have left most of the people around me in the cold and it is only when you lose them, you realized that they are actually the one whom you should have put forth all your attention to. For now, I choose to live my life as a pariah or an outcast from the internet because I know only through this I am able to find myself again. So if this doesn't bring the end of me, maybe we will meet again this distant future or the next life. I don't know what the future may bring to all of you whom I have come to know but I only wish the best in life for all of you. Yes I have given up on blogging not because I don't enjoy doing so but because it has brought about too much grieve and remorse. I don't consider myself as a good blogger but at least what I try to say what comes from within. But for now, I just wanna fade into the night like a ghost and see the world with my own eyes and not through my monitor. I will update this blog from time to time when I get the chance to get in a cyber cafe.

with love and thoughts
xniquet




P.S. My apologies to those who are looking forward for the series "Becoming Ultraman", you just have to wait 3 years or more to read it.

You'll Never Forget Faces You Puke On

playing on my iPod:
No Surprises - Radiohead

My fucking fingers was glued to the skip button, going through songs after songs but none of them seem to suit my listening appetite today. I needed something uplifting; I needed something that at least would give me a boost while I try lifting this bell bar which is way above 50kgs above my head and bench press it as much as I could. But the thousands and thousands of melodramatic songs locked inside my iPod just seems to only achieve one thing that is to tear me down and make me feel worse than I already am. I really gotta change the selection of songs in my iPod or it could very well be one of the factors that bring me one step closer to slitting my own wrist. But when something from Radiohead's OK Computer came on, I think the name of the song is "No Surprises". I just sat there on my workout bench like a stone, listening to every "3:49" of it; and then I pressed the repeat button again and listen to the whole song again and again and again. After which my whole almost 2 hour's morning workout was just the repetition of that song over and over again. I have bought the CD when it just came out but never have I felt this way. Never have this song make me felt like this. I must say that the theme of this song is no different from all the emotive and melon collie songs that I have in my iPod but the tune just makes me feel sadder but in a happy kind of way. It is like when you are on ecstasy, you pretty well know that you loath, hate and is depressed with everything about and around you but yet you just couldn't stop the happy and glee feeling that the pill is making you feel, that is why you just can't stop laughing hysterically . This song was just like an ecstasy pill. With the earphones jacked into my ears, the song played on the whole fucking day; by the time I was going to get ready to meet up with my friend E for dinner, I check the play count and it shows "224".

E was punctual like always, he arrived at my door steps right at the dot. Now this is something you don't get these days, a recording artist who is time conscious. Anyway, he ask me do I mind if he brings a friend along to join us for dinner and I told him I couldn't be happier, the more the merrier. So we drove and landed ourselves at one of the Maybank in town and in come a very decent looking and Muslim-like Malay lady into the car, the one that I am pretty sure I have never met before. But wait, what is that smell? I know that fucking smell. Hell, she was one of the Gorgon sisters that smell really good that night. I totally couldn't recognize her with the "Tudung"(veil) and "Baju Kurung"(Malay dress). As we drove pass the bank, she waved goodbye to another 2 ladies who was dressed in that same manner too. I know that two faces even thought I couldn't see their hair; I can never forget the faces of the people I threw up all over while they were giving me oral pleasure. They do look different in "Tudung" and "Baju Kurung" but still the same face minus my vomit all over their faces. Not only I was getting it on with 2 bank clerks (or whatever they are working as), they wear"Tudung" and "Baju Kurung" to work. I wonder how it would be if they were in that attire that night.

My whole fucking face turned red, not because I was blushing but I was trying hard to hold back my laughs as I recall what fucking happened that night. With one of them sitting at the rear seat, I guess I just have to hold back and tell E about it another time.

When Insanity Rains on my Sex Parade

playing on my iPod:
Idol - Amanda Ghost

I woke up feeling sick; sick of waking up; sick of opening these eyes; sick of breathing; sick of being here, alive and hopeless and aimless; sick of this pain and this rage; sick of being lock up in my head and the motherfucking air around me feels like cage. But most of all today I really feel sick to my rotten core. My head feels like an anvil that a blacksmith is hammering on; my hands and feet is numb and cold; my lips are cracked and my eyes are blood shot red. In the mist of all these, I know I should feel down but somehow I feel glad because somewhere in all of these, it could be a blessing in disguised; my spirits are lifted because there could be a chance of me suffering a heart or an organ failure that could spell my death; if only one of my major artery or veins just clog up and burst, it will give me a fucking stoke that would send me on a one way trip to Hades, then I would be the happiest man dead. My body felt like fucking crap, thanks mostly to my new found ritual of meditating at the beach; rain or shine, I will be there rotting away from dusk to dawn. And it finally happened; the cold rain that had drenched my clothes crawl through my skin and into my bones leaving me sick as sick can be. I am surprised that I have only gotten down with the sickness after a week of this fucking abuse. But it could also be my vigorous drinking habit that has contributed to it. But my death wish was not about to come true today because as time passed, I feel my strength regaining and once again my mood hit rock bottom. As I lay there on my bed, I look for my alarm clock to my right which I hardly use anymore, only to find the time was 4:44PM. They say that it is a form of luxury to sleep in late on Sundays but today I gave it a whole new fucking meaning.

Even though the day was half way through the afternoon but it was dark and gloomy as if God switched off the fucking sun and cloaked it with the Shroud of Turin. On any other day, I would be working my fucking ass off in my basic yet pathetic gym; bench pressing until I cannot feel my arms and then do crunches until I have this huge searing pain on my abs that leaves me curled up like a ball and with tears in my eyes. But not today, I couldn't even feel any of my fucking limbs and I already in pain. So I headed to the pantry to get something to eat. A huge pack of Lay's potato chips and 2 cans of soda is all I got. Potato chips and soda - the corner stone of every nutritious breakfast; it has the fat and saltiness that my body needs, carbohydrate (I think since it is made out of potato) to keep me full and energized and the sugar from the soda to elevate the blood sugar in my fucking body and to kick start me from this dormant and slump state that I am fucking in.

I sat down on the floor with my back pressed against the wall because I was just too tired to walk back into the other room where the tables and chairs were. As I chow down my bag of processed fats with excessive salt and drain down the watery diabetic fluid, I try to recall what the fuck happened last night, because it was some fucked up shit. I remembered getting a call from E (short for Ibrahim) last night. I was invited to Urban Beach [one of the many pubs that is located at the Beach in Kuantan] for drinks. E and I went way back, he was from another band that I used to play from time to time, not as a member but just as a guest guitarist. His band "Kronos" released an EP two years ago but based on the horrid response. They didn't take the chance of releasing a full length LP. The last I heard he was reshuffling his band and was looking for a fresh deal and opportunity for another release.

So I joined E and another 3 other girls at Urban Beach that night. We weren't totally up for whiskey so we decided to pop the lid off a bottle of Cordon Bleu. At first I thought the 3 girls was the GROs working there but it turned out that there were E's friends and are all working in Kuantan but I have never fucking seen any of them before. Hey come on, I hardly miss any gorgeous ladies that this fucking small town has to offer. One of them had auburn long hair and she tied it all the way back to reveal her almost bare, very low cut "V"shaped top that if you look carefully, you can see everything that is going on inside her blouse; the other wore a decent white short dress, the only un-decent thing about it is that she wasn't wearing any bra, it was a total gave away because when it gets chilly, you can see her nipples get erected; I totally cannot recall what the third girl was wearing but all I can remember is that she smell super fine. These girls was extra friendly but not in a sleazy kind of way. They were total class act. They know when to act classy and when to rub their tits against you and sometimes when the time is right, they will rub your crotch as if they didn't intended to but you know that they purposely wanted to. It was the sexual teasing game at its best and it almost felt like foreplay. So in the semi dark seaside pub with The Pretender's I'll Stand by You playing in the background, I was drinking my night (my life) away with E and getting a hard on, courtesy of the three beautiful ladies. I sure hope that they are actually look pretty because the lack of lighting and the influences of alcohol, they could probably look like the Gorgon sisters and the moment I sober up or the lights comes on I would turn to a fucking stone.

It could be that we were all fucking thirsty because we fucking finished the entire bottle in a blink of an eye. Since the night was still young, we popped another motherfucking bottle. But we slowed down on our second bottle or it could be that the theory of some smart ass in the past was right, that times flies when you are having fun or in this case getting high. It was closing time at Urban Beach and the second bottle was just down by a quarter. Determined to finish the second bottle, we decided to get a room at Hyatt Regency which was just a couple of steps away from there, so that we can truly party the night away and see the bottom of the second bottle. Besides we shouldn't be driving home in our state so that was the best thing to do, get a room and continue on doing what I fucking do best these days - getting wasted.

Because the main lobby of Hyatt Regency was on renovation, we had to fucking walk a little further to another building just to get a room. While going there, I remember seeing E threw up all along the way to the temporary lobby. It reminded me on how Hansel and Gretel left bread crumbs to find their way home; E was leaving trails of his vomit, probably to find his way back to his car. After we got into our room, E was really done for; he said that he couldn't take in any more of that poison, so he took one of the girls (the good smelling one) and retired to another room. What I reckon is that it was just an excuse, because he wanted to stay awake and stuff that girl like a Thanksgiving turkey all night long.

Now it was just me, the two girls and a three quarter full bottle of brandy on the couch. To be frank, these two girls were just sipping their drinks while I was pouring that shit down like gasoline into an empty tank and things was starting to spin in my head. But even so, I was still very aware that the two damsel were starting to fondle each other while peeling off each others clothes right in front of me. I am pretty sure I was still conscious because I can remember exactly how their nipples look like. One of them had the nipples size of an Oreo cookie and the other had the darkest nipples I have ever seen, it was almost black. After they were through rubbing each other off and taking each others clothes off. They started to work their itchy little fingers all over me and before I knew it my pants was already down to my ankle and like a pact of ravenous wild hyenas, they were scouting every inch of my crotch area. Man this was heaven, I had my brandy in one hand, and the fucking bottle on the other, two bitches nibbling and chewing off my dick, this just couldn't get any better. It has been a long time, since I have two ladies cleaning my penis on the same shift; one was sucking like a vacuum machine and the other was tea bagging away. I tilt my head backwards and my chin was facing skyward to indulge in this immoral yet sensual moment. But as I lay there, a sudden gust of gas rushes up my throat and to my nostril and mouth. I close my mouth but it was too late and the outburst of the burp was too strong. And for the second time of my life, I puked all over the girls that were sucking me off. But this time, my puke was all over their face, their hair and some even landed in one of the girl's mouth because I think I saw her spitting it out. I could even see chunks of what I had for dinner caught in one of their fake eye lashes.

There was a pause of silence for a little while for I really didn't know how to react but looking at at their faces and what has just happened, I started to laugh; I laugh so hard. I didn't know why, I just couldn't stop myself laughing even though I knew I shouldn't but I just kept on laughing till tears started to fall and my tummy hurts. I guess temporary insanity has taken over me or maybe it wasn't temporary after all. The girls were in shock at first but then they got furious and grossed out and my laughing just made things worst. They went into the shower without saying anything and left after that I think because when I regain consciousness again, my pants were still down and there was still puke all over me.

I pull my pants up, scrape myself up off the couch and left a note to E to made plans for dinner the next day. I headed back to my studio still covered in puke and the stench of alcohol. I guess there goes my chance of humping the Gorgon sisters. I wonder if I would ever get another chance of having their ankles on my shoulders while I get down on my knees. You know what I still find what happened fucking hilarious every time I recall the look on their funny faces. I am going to let E know about this during dinner, he is so going to flip.

Hospital - The Brothel for Perverts

playing on my iPod:
You Gave Me a Promise - Fireflight

It has been raining for days, even the floor that my bare feet is stepping on is cold and almost freezing. I saw the weather forecast on the fucking news earlier today; it says that the rain would continue to piss down on the east coast of Peninsular Malaysia till this coming Saturday. I fucking hope they are right because this cold and gloomy weather is giving me mood poisoning and also it has interrupted my new found daily ritual of hanging at the beach alone from night till the crack of dawn. It is like a reflection time for me, to watch the waves break as it hits the shore and see people of so many fucking shape and size congregate at one place and sharing one fucking thing in common - to do something which amounts to nothing.

But that isn't the case for me today; it is 2:59 AM and I am sitting in a twenty-four hour KFC outlet, feasting on what I once called my favorite thing on this planet. But everything changes when all you feel is apathy. I just can't recall what is it that makes me feel happy or at least content anymore. The cabbage in the fucking coleslaw is bitter; the mash potato taste like the dirt hasn't been cleansed from it; the bun stinks of bad butter; the fucking chicken seem to smell and taste like it was re-fried with used cooking oil. WTF! Why was I ever addicted to this shit? Even Pepsi tasted flat like sugary water poured into a paper cup fill with ice cubes; as a matter of fact I think I can taste the paper cup more than the Pepsi. This shit that they are serving here is totally grade A bullshit and I should have option for the Kid's meals, at least when I throw the food away, I still get a Patrick Star's wrist watch, now I just have to shove my whole fucking snack plate combo aside.

So here I am on a cold and rainy night, sitting in a place which once served the things I love but now loath, with an old school leather note pad and a pen I am trying to recount the stories during my aimless road trip around nowhere. On an occasion, in one of the cheap inn that I was bunking for the night, I meet this interesting person call Henry in the common room. Henry was a retired male nurse who used to work in one of the government owned hospital. I don't mean to be disrespectful but people who work in hospitals are really big mouth bitches who just couldn't keep interesting shit to themselves. They will be mouthing off each and every single scandal there is to tell. Like what fucking happen when I was in high school, the whole fucking town found out about the procedure that my classmate's rich mother had to go through in the hospital because a condom slip from the dick that she was fucking and ended up inside of her, the sad part is the condom didn't fell off her husband's dick but someone else that very likely seem to have a needle dick. It is nice to listen to all these scandalous gossips and have a good laugh about it but I cannot begin to imagine how it feels like to have people laugh at your expense on the count of the hospital worker's big mouth. What the fuck ever happened to patient's confidentiality?

So let's get back to Henry, he was a mean ass, bad motherfucking nurse who likes to work in the ER, not because he loves the blood and cries of agony; but he takes joy in laughing and mocking at the bruised and injured "Mat Rempits"(Malaysia's self proclaim stunt man and road racer who rides a very low CC motorbike but thinks it is a super bike or Harley Davidson). Most of this Mat Rempit found their way into Henry's office by way of illegal road racing or performing bikes stunts that was way over their brainless head. One of the sadistic things that Henry does to these morons is ripping and tearing their jeans to an un-wearable state, to get to the wound, so that he can clean it (even though he didn't have to do it). Sometimes, when the patient is to be given painkillers, he will take his fucking time and will only give it at the very last second. Henry believes that pain is the best fucking reminder to these morons that what they do is such a waste of their hopeless existence. Henry likes to believe that these fuckers are aware enough to know that there is nothing sadistic in his actions. Well, maybe to others but not to these lame fucks. But it was just Henry being at his most masochistic.

This isn't actually the main part of what Henry shared that night. It started when we were talking about how much it costs to get a hooker to warm up your bed these days. In his days, there was actually such a thing call a "2 dollar whore" because it really only cost you two dollar to fuck one. But now "2 dollar whore" is only used as a metaphor for cheap ass hookers. Back in the days, you don't even have to waste your fucking money on some hotel room; you can get it on behind some bushes or some dark back alley. Then he asked me was I aware that necrophilia is happening right here, right now, right beneath our nose in our fucking country? A country who uphold moral values so tightly that Hip-Hop MTV that is aired on TV which contains too much breast or booty shaking must be boxed out; a country who dares claim that Avril Lavigne is way too sexy for their youths; a fucking country who is willing to send a man to jail because he likes to shove his dick up someone's ass. All these but they are unaware that the corpses that are laying in the government owned hospital morgue are being fucked by perverts.

It all happens during the graveyard shift and the person to see is the person who has access to the corpses. For RM20 per corpse, fuckers are free to choose a corpse of their choice and cum in it as many times as they want for 2 hours. The best ones are those whose mortal coil has just ended because there is still some body warmth and the plumbing below is still moist and creamy. As sick and repulsive as it may be, you will be surprise with the numbers of motherfuckers or in this case corpse fuckers that is willing to pay RM20 for the ride. There was even once a really sick fuck who proclaimed that he was damn lucky to have fucked a body that has just died within an hour. She was young with azure hair, legs that go on forever, perky firm breast with pink cherry nipples and a bush that was nicely trimmed?If only he knew how the fuck she looks like, it would be every corpse fucker's wet dream to fuck such a corpse. You see the corpse that he fucked was faceless because it was ripped off in the car crash that killed her.

Before everyone who is reading this starts to get sick and throw up all over, let me switch to something less morbid but equally stimulating. Henry told me that if getting laid with corpse in the morgue isn't your fucking cup of tea. You can always try a comatose patient. Patient who has been in a coma for months or maybe years and are not expected to wake up anytime soon. But of course the price of this would absolutely be higher than a corpse cum galore. The general rules when engaging sex with a comatose patient is that fuckers are not allowed to punch, bruise, bite or chew off any part of the patient's body. The person in charge of taking care of the patient will be in a shit load of trouble if there are any bruising, teeth marks or love bites found by a family member of the patient. Other than that, everything is good to go and fuckers can cum in them as much as they like; comatose patient won't get pregnant. Usually the pipe down under will not be functioning and the vagina will get as dry as a bucket of sand, so fuckers are allowed to use Vaseline or KYY gel to help them get a smoother fuck.

It is indeed an eye opener for me; I have always thought that it would only happen in some uncivilized country or some country with junk culture like USA. But never in a million years have I imagine that such repugnant activities are going down in our own fucking turf. I am sorry if I scare you especially the ladies because by now you should feel insecure about being in a coma or being dead. And to think that after being dead all your problems are gone, necrophilia is new cancer for corpses.

It is fucking late now and I think it is time for me to call it a night. There are still many more stories of my road trip that I have yet to share; of witch doctors, sex offenders, peeping toms that I met and many more, but it would have to wait. The time is 4:25 AM and it is still fucking pouring out there and looks like I need to make a dash for my car.

The Glass Slipper

playing on my iPod:
Hemorrhage (In My Hands) - Fuel

Does it occur to you that we are all living in this fucked up fairy tale? God in all his sick sense of humor made each and every one of us a character in this fucked up stage play. Let's take this for example, do you know that a condom is actually the glass slipper of our generation, you slip one on when you meet a stranger, then you dance all night. When you are done, you throw it away - the stranger and the condom. But every once a while something peculiar happen, you find yourself longing and you begin to think that the bullshit that you are feeling is love, so you set off to find your Cinderella. And when you do find her, only to realize that it was all a mistake because the stupid glass slipper you wore that night gave way and she is fucking pregnant. But hey, it could be worse, because Cinderella's husband might find out what you did to her and decide to cut off your fucking dick while you are sleeping and put it through a meat grinder. Well, you can run and hide but the determination of an angry man whose wife got screwed is going to hunt and track you down even if you are hiding anywhere in Indochina, he will be having thugs with sickles hiding in Padi fields, ready to slit your throat or if you run to the states, he will be hiring a Nigga with a gun hiding in a garbage can, ready to pop out like a Jack in a box to fucking put holes in you when you pass. We have seen this far too many times but you might be thinking "Fuck no; it will not happen to me." But this is what happens when you let your dick get the best of you. So the moral of the story is when you see a glass slipper remember condom; when you see a condom remember glass slipper. By now, you would have realized that what you have just read is actually the rambling of a person who is going mad, but if you feel the same, congratulations! You are one step closer on hitting the bottom and getting yourself thrown in a mental asylum.

Going Home

playing on my iPod:
Open Your Eyes - Alter Bridge

The first thing they teach you when bringing a hooker to a hotel for the night is never show up with her at the lobby at the same time. Instead ask her to chill outside while you go through the bullshit red tape of getting a room. Once you are done, head up to room alone and then text her your room number. Never in any circumstances be caught together in the elevator or even walking within 5 meters of each other. I mean you can never be too careful when you are engaging a sex transaction in Malaysia. You know what, since I am talking about this shit right here, it does put me in a position of a regular whore customer who does this all the time huh? But again, hookers are not the only ones that you bring to a hotel for the night. When you are having an affair with another person's wife, these are the little things that you pick up along the way; you just gotta be more careful when you are a mounting someone's wife than just a hooker. But it just wasn't tonight; I broke every single fucking rule that I could think of that is listed in the unwritten book of fornicators under the chapter of "Getting a room to fornicate" Thanks to the half tablet that was dissolved in my beer which I drain down like an extra strong maxi-pad while I was in the Golden Bar, I was fucking high and almost drunk when we reach the hotel and Noi was with me all the way, from the lobby to the room.

The room was a cozy with two single beds; I actually requested it that way because the last thing I wanna do was sleeping and cuddling with someone I just met from a bar; for fucks sake, I don't even enjoy cuddling with any of my lovers. As we stepped in room, I asked Noi to go take a shower or do whatever she is supposed to do and I told her to take her fucking time because I was going to steal a nap before the party starts. But as I lay my head on the soft pillow and wrapped myself with the comfortable duvet, I felt like I was cemented unto the bed. Every inch of my body refused to move and it almost feels like I was paralyzed. From there, all I could remember was Noi coming up to me but I brushed her away and asked her to off the fucking lights, the next thing I know I woke up in the morning, only to find Noi sleeping on the other bed. As for any fucking action, I can be very sure that none took place because I was still fully clothed and still stink of yester-night's cigarette and alcohol stench. I showered and then woke Noi up then I took her out for breakfast before dropping her off. I guess there is something about not getting it on with Noi last night that made me feel good, my spirit was lifted and I didn't even bother about being seen leaving the hotel with her. Even though others might think otherwise about what happened last night, but to me nothing happened and I was fucking proud of it. Though my wallet is RM400 thinner but it was an experience that counts. So I have officially engaged the service of a whore minus the sex and now can go around calling myself macho and brag about it. To be frank, my intention last night was to go back to the hotel, get high with booze and pills and see what happens but it rather turn out nothing. Noi being the professional treated last night as a legitimate deal and spoke nothing of it. But deep down inside I think I know she is smiling all the way, because she was a client richer and she didn't have to break a fucking sweat or fake an orgasm for it.

It was one of those awkward breakfasts because I was the type who doesn't know what to say to a hooker the next morning and she definitely didn't want to remind me that I was a fucking dead corpse last night and then having me ask for the money back. The uncomfortable silence was like a pinch in the nuts, so I ended it by telling her that whatever happens last night, just leave it all behind us and use whatever time we got to have a nice breakfast and a good conversation. I thought I saw her let go a sight of relieve as she digs in her morning meal. Our conversation was just small empty talks about the mundane and everyday life, but it got interesting when she suddenly open up and shared about her life and how she ended up here. You see her father was a hardcore serial gambler that got himself into some serious debt with the local loan shark; Noi had no choice but to work for them. She was first promised work as a cleaning lady in Malaysia but that wasn't how it went down when she reached here. The initial stage when she was here, she just couldn't take it. She was locked up in houses and apartments, transported like livestock to bars, brothel or SPA, wherever girls are needed, she was to be send there. Guys of all shapes and sizes, race and age have a crack on her; she felt so filthy and couldn't imagine herself being this low. She tried to end her own life but didn't succeed; in turn her employers threaten her that if she dies, he father's debt will never be clear and her younger sister will eventually take her place. Her contract was that she has to work as a sex worker in Malaysia for 5 years to clear off her father's debt and she has to sleep with at least 800 clients per year. Man, talking about having a hard life and even though I do have my downside in my life but not this low. I asked her how she finally comes in terms with herself and what she is doing. She told me that even though she hates what she is and even when the society look down on her like a immoral degenerate scourging and plaguing the earth with sickness and disease, deep down inside she know that she is doing all these for her family and securing a future for her younger sister and there is no shame in doing something for her family. But if given a chance, she rather be in another profession than this. Whatever she told me, lay heavy in my heart for my action last night makes me as guilty as any other horny bastards who look at Noi as an object to quench our carnal desire and not knowing that the shit that she has been through. She has definitely opened my eyes and I have a whole different view on prostitutes.

She smiled as she left my car. I silently wished her all the strength and wellness in the world as she turned and walked into her living hell of which I have come to know as the Golden Bar. Even though, I never really know her that well but the story of her life left a dent in my heart. All this while I was pissed and frustrated with the way my life is going and heading; and at so many times, I came so close in ending it. But here, I am destined to meet someone who is suffering more than me and on top of that, she can't even bail out on her life. I have been traveling aimlessly around and finally it took a stranger to make me realize that I should head home and face whatever that reminds me of my pain?

I'm going home...


*All the above took place almost a week ago, but I just took my sweet time to blog about it. Currently I am back but camping out in the studio and trying to see what is next for me*

She is Going Back with Me

playing on my iPod:
The World I Know - Collective Soul

You think you are going to be doing this forever? You think you are going to outlast time? The problem is, now you have the ability but the thing about ability is that they don't last. Your days are numbered and it is ending one minute, one second at a time. That is the hard fact of life that your ass has got to be realistic about. But in this business there are a lot of motherfuckers who is not realistic about this. Motherfuckers who think their ass would age like wine, if you mean they turn into vinegar, you are right. But if you think it will get better with age, they don't. When you look yourself in the mirror, you will find your breast isn't as perky as they used to be or it isn't located where it used to be. When most guys would rather go for the younger girls than go with your enthusiasm and your experience, even when you are willing to lower your price; you know it is time to fold your cards. The moment you make that decision to quit, you will feel a sting because that is your motherfucking pride fucking with you. Fuck pride, it only hurts and it never helps. Noi most definitely knew this because she was your average sex for hire worker. She has been in this line of profession for 3 years and for someone in the sex trade, it has been a long time. Coming from a family who had nothing, 3 years ago, she was promised an overboard job in the sanitation field but how she ended up fulfilling men's pleasure is another untold tale. I asked her how does she cope with what she is doing, she simply told me that money may be one of the biggest motivation for her but at the same time, she have learn how to enjoy the sex. When men pay for sex, they expect to get the whole package. A good head and then some wicked humping. Foreplay to them is when you fondle their dicks while they sip their beer and there is no chance in hell they would stick their tongue in to the holiest of holies or chow down on some pussy. You just have to find ways to excite and arouse yourself than to rely on them clients.

So in that dirty scandalous booth of which the patron of the Golden Bar refer to as the love booth, I was caught in some sort of a meat entanglement with Noi; she was all over me; it was intense and if you have been having a long dry spell of sexless night, I bet your dirty ass that a lot of men are going to fall into her seduction, if not, suffer a death by having sperm rush to the brain. But somehow it didn't work for me; don't get me wrong, I am not saying that I am some sort of a super monk sworn to celibacy that has a super resistance to sex; deep down inside I am still flesh and bones and I admit that do find joy and indulge in various carnal pleasures and fantasies. But coming from the state that I am in, it would take a shit load of Viagra to ever give me a hard on; even if she manage to get my "man stick" to stand up, the only sex position that I can ever perform would be a "Dead Fish Position" of which I will be playing the role of the dead fish and that would pretty much be like necrophilia, wouldn't it? I guess all her teasing tricks of the trade to sexually arouse me just didn't pay off today. Not only I was corpse like tired, one of my firmest and treasured believe that I hold tight to is that I don't believe in paying for sex. It is not that I look down on sex workers or anything, I totally have no problem with them and I respect them. I have no problem shoving my dick in a public places but I believe that sex should be done freely, in terms of money or will. Paying to get laid is something that I have never done before. You know as I lay there, Noi was pulling out all her trick to get me to go to bed with her; the thing that was going in my head wasn't should I or should I not bang her like a drum tonight? The first thing that came to my mind was, she is Thai and with the mention of Thai, the first thing that comes to mind is Transsexual. The only sane thing to do was to reach down and brace myself for a confirmation. 

Hallelujah! No dick! The feeling of happiness and relieve only lasted about two shakes of a lamb's tail, when the feeling paranoia started to creep in again. What if Noi had a sex operation? You just can't blame me because she was from a country famous for girls with willies; she could look like that Aliza Elizabeth, but it is still damn gross. Hey, no matter how major of a crush I have on Aliza if she previously has a dick a Man-vagina is still a no go for me. Selah[Hebrew].

I put Noi to a standstill as I pretend to ask her about the charges for her services and just like a pushy multi-level marketing direct selling representative who is so willing to trap you like a fly and sell her product, she started to lash out what she have to offer and presented her indecent proposal. If you are planning to make a quick cum in the booth, hand jobs are at RM50 and blow jobs are at RM100; but full frontal straight up sex are forbidden in the booth, but you are allowed to take the girl up to a room on the third floor where you can screw each other抯 brains out and also you are treated to whatever special skill the girl has to offer; Noi's special skill is her special blow job which if directly translated from Cantonese it means "Ice-Fire-Wind Blow Job" a blow job which includes ice cubes, warm water and Hacks (a minty cough drops). The whole fucking (verb not adjective) package will only cost you only RM200 per shot but if you are a long distance fucker or the hard to cum type, it will be RM250. Condoms must be used at all times while fucking, if you haven't got any, an additional RM5 will be charged for the use of house condoms. But if you are in the mood of having an all night long fucking session, she can be yours for the fucking pleasure for a one off sum of RM400, but this only applies after 1am and you will have to provide your own hotel room and she must be transported back by 12pm the next day. Looking at Noi and her drape-less breast as she carefully explain to me the terms of the engagement, her ability to sell just wasn't there for me, all I had in my mind was her gender; so I ask her bluntly and she offer my hand a little tour down under and beneath her panties, which I decline. But her sincerity was enough to convince me that she was an XX but it wasn't enough to make me wanna engage in any sexual intercourse with her. I told her that I was dead tired from traveling the whole day and I would take a rain check. But seeing that the time was almost already 2am and I was her last hope for the night. She tries even harder to solicit me to take her overnight and she would even throw in a Thai massage as part of the package. Tempting as it maybe but the flesh is weak and I don't see any way around it except for me bailing outta there right after I finish the fucking nectar that this fine establishment had to offer. And in her desperation, she suddenly took out something that would instantly make me a fish getting its mouth caught in a huge hook. It was in the form of a small tablet and there was an "X" imprinted on it. Even though my physique triumphs over my lust but it was my addiction that got the best of me. Noi has finally gotten what she wanted because somehow she knew that all I needed tonight was to party; party with ecstasy. I paid the full amount and we were out of the golden bar's door and on our way to get a room for the night. I do not know what the night holds for me but you just can't trust a man when you give them booze, ecstasy and a hooker. I don't even fucking trust me?

Noi

playing on my iPod:
Move Along - The All-American Rejects

Even in the mist of all the darkness, Noi was the type who could give you a "Zero to Hard On " below 10 seconds. Her not that pretty but pleasant features and all that mass behind her tight white tank top which is wrapped over hers, as if it was her second skin. She came up to me and stare hard at me as I was trying to swallow a mouthful warm bubbly piss-like beer; I pause as she tilt her head sideways to look for movement in my Adam's apple to see if that the repugnant drink went into my throat. I just couldn't hold in my expression, so she asked me if there is anything wrong with the beer, so I told her that I am just not a beer lover and also usually I don't take my beer lukewarm, I take them boiling hot . She laughed and told me that I should use the ice which comes with the package, thanks but no thanks. She asked me if she could join me; It wasn't really the firm tight boobies that seem to entice me but it was rather her friskiness and the notion of her coming up to ask me if the beer was alright that made me accepted her company.But if she starts with all the pesky soliciting, I will be out of her face in just two shakes of a lamb's tail.

Seeing that she was sitting next to me now, the bar tender automatically came over and ask her what she was going to have and she ordered a bigger bottle of beer for the both of us which automatically goes in my bill. Great, just what I fucking needed, it is not about the money but more piss to go around.

I sure fucking hope she drinks it all. She didn't solicit me but instead started on with some small talk which I was totally not in the mood for. I had to pull the plug before we drown ourselves with empty conversation filled with empty words; Before I let her butcher me with her banality, I decided to be a total disrespectful asshole and ask her how was her sex business is treating her? Just to remind you that she have not solicit me or mentioned anything about her being a hooker, so I was pretty much running on faith asking a question like that. She laughed and told me that it was all good and I commented that with those D cup asset , of course business are good. Men like huge ass cattle corn-fed boobies, especially middle aged "Ah Pek" (China man). Well, she agrees that all the most that comes here are only interested in her breast that is why she has returning clients. She told me that she prefers younger guys, because older man always seems to squeeze her tits so hard that it becomes painful. I asked her does it bother her that men only like her for her breast and not her. She said no, it is good for business, it makes her marketable. As a matter of fact she was proud of it and she massages it daily just to keep it firm. Suddenly there was a pause as a wild though escapes my head, I have this sudden surge of wanting to reach down her tank top and grope a feel of that breast meat. But another sip of the horrible beer saved me and all that animal instinct just dissolved. Knowing that I should changed the topic from her breast to something else was necessary, I asked her about the private booths in that bar.


She offered to show me; she asked me to pick up my drink and led me into one; the fucking love booth was actually a real small area of 1.5 square meters and surrounded by ply wood and is separated from the outside by two curtains a black one and one made out of beads. That is why I couldn't see through. There was a small fucking wooden sitting bench, the type which Jackie Chan used to use as a weapon to fight in his early Ku Fung movies (Drunken Master 1). We placed our drinks on a really small coffee table and then I planted myself on the wooden bench trying to make myself comfortable. As soon as Noi made sure that the curtains was nicely shut, the booth suddenly turned really dark, just like when I first stepped in the bar. Then without a warning, Noi was all over me, if there is ever a way to define what a thousand hands Buddha is, this was it. I don't know how she does it but she was working her magic of groping, touching, and rubbing me all over. So many places at the same time, man, she was elite. Her hands was all over my crotch area, her chest pressed hard against mine and her mouth was next to my ears, sucking my ear lobes and making the most ridiculous fake moaning sound I have ever heard. I must say that all the touching felt kinda good but the fake moan was really a turn off. Then she lifted up her tank top to reveal her tits and elevated her body and used her tits to press against my face. If there is a time to feel good about being slapped, this was it. She was giving me a titty slap. A titty slap is when your face is being place in between the cleavage and your cheeks are being slap by the breast. It was every naughty boy's wet dream to be slapped in this manner. But in the mist of all these, I suddenly realized that I just couldn't go on with all these, until my conscious is clear; until I have clear my mind of that something or someone. I just have to flush it out of my system before I could really bring myself to enjoy what this over enthusiastic sex machine is doing to me. Yeah I know it is sad but it is hard to do something when you have something or someone clouding your brain. So I close my eyes and I ran my fingers slowly up her bare tights, working my way to her inner tights and towards her crotch. God...Please Lord...Please God...FUCKING PLEASE...PLEASE LORD...FUCK...FUCK LORD...PLEASE..No dick, no dick, no dick please...you just can't be too sure of all the products that come out of Thailand.

The Golden Bar

playing on my iPod:
Dance with You - Live

The pain slither from my toes through my nerves and down my spine and straight up to my brain, I couldn't but to shudder. All the money that I spent on getting pedicure have left me somewhat a noob in cutting my own toe nails that eventually led to my toe nails growing inwards, thus making a deep cut on my toe flesh. I ignored the pain when it first started but as I drove on for days, the pain started to grow and the cut kept getting deeper. Now the pain is so intense or should I say it is just one cunt hair from being legendary. Then I remembered someone told me that if you want to make the pain from cuts go away fast , what you need to do is to take the current pain that you are feeling up to another level for a little while; when you go back to your initial pain, you will feel much better. This is easily done by sprinkling salt or lime juice on the cut. By the time I sprinkled lime juice on my toes, I couldn't even feel it anymore. But after a while, it was so true, the pain was beginning to feel much more bearable and I could drive further. But even being able to bear the pain now, I felt like my body was drained of energy and all I want to do is to lie down and be paralyzed like a spineless corpse. I looked at the time; it was already 10pm and that means I have been driving aimlessly from nowhere to nowhere for more than 10 hours; no wonder I was feeling weak. I stopped for gas twice but I hadn't refueled my body the whole day. I could really use a tall hard drink now, so I pulled over the first pub I came across in this god forsaken town and it just so happened to be called Golden Bar.

For fucks sake, I didn't know what has really gotten into me but the moment I stepped in this bar, a thought ran across my head, this must be the world's sleaziest bar. I could hear the blend of the humming sound of air conditioning and some old Chinese party background music, like the ones my dad used to have in his cassette collection. The place was so fucking dark; I couldn't even see my own hands in front of me. A waiter led the way with his flash light; I sat on one of tall stool at the bar. As my pupils starts to widen more, I begin to see the interior of that place.

The bar counter was just an ordinary tall wooden platform with no beer tap but it was filled with beer mugs, drinks coasters and ash trays. Behind the counter was a really dirty looking sink that is filled with dirty dishes that looks like it had never been clear for a long-long time. Next to the sink was a really old school stainless steel refrigerator; the last time I seen one of these antiques was when I was in primary school; the top half of the 2 door refrigerator was a glass door which you can see through, there were endless bottles of beer in it and at the top most part were some leftover food which I reckon should belong to one of the employee in this fine establishment. The bottom half of the refrigerator had a solid non-see-through door which I think is where all the ice was kept. I was never a big fan of beer, in fact I hated that shit and beer swelling is definitely not my strong point. But the only drink that they serve here is either piss or fucking beer; I had no choice but to order the smallest bottle of piss. No I mean beer. The bartender came back with my order - a bottle of Tiger, an un-chilled beer mug and a small dirty red plastic basin filled with ice. At first I wonder what the basin of ice was for but as soon as I tasted the beer, I knew immediate what it was for. The beer was warm and so I guessed the ice is to chill the beer but being such a shallow and small red basin, it would take ages to chill the beer. So I look to my left and right, to see what the others do with it and I found out that, the small plastic basin wasn't there to soak your beer bottle but it was to carry the ice for your consumption. Judging from the germ infested condition of the red basin and the first class hygiene of this fine establishment, I thought to myself, I should have ordered piss than beer.

Trying to keep my mind off the piss warm and not to mention disgusting taste of the beer, I divert my attention to my surrounding. As I look around this bar, there wasn't much people around, the high tables and high stools were mostly empty; there was a couple of ladies and waiters around, some sitting down, some standing and some playing with their cell phone. On the far end of the bar, there were booths arranged in a row which I couldn't see through because it was still very dark. The thing that was between the outside and the inside of the booth was some kind of a curtain that was made out of shinny beads. But every time as someone came out of the toilet which was located behind, the toilet lights shine in and I could roughly see those booth were not empty; the beads curtain didn't fully cover the whole door way into the booth. I could see people's ankle and almost all the booth was filled with people. Later I found out that those were private/love booths and there is where most of the patrons like to go in; there is also where all the action takes place. How do I know about it? Well, because before the night ended I was in one of them booth, getting my face pressed against some boobies.

But before I go into what happened inside that booth, let me take you a few moments backwards before that.  A lady,  Bob hair-style, dressed in a tight white tank top and short jeans came up to me; She was petite but with fucking breasts that could easily fucking feed 10 -15 famished infant; her bra was dark in color but I couldn't really make out the actual color but I am very sure it was the laced type because the lace pattern was pressed all over her super tight tank top. I couldn't see her face clearly but I would say it was kinda pleasant looking. If I were to guess her age, I would say she is probably 25 years old at most but then again she could be 35 or maybe 15, one just simply doesn't walk in a sleazy bar and guessed the fucking age of the girls there with accuracy. I am pretty sure she didn't wear any perfume because the only scent was the smell of talcum powder on her. I knew she was a Thai without even asking ; if you have been to a Japanese lounge or KTVs, you would know that Thai girls has this distinct high pitch voice, her voice immediately gave her nationality away. And this is how I was approached by a girl called "Noi"

I am tired now but my little tale isn't finished yet and I haven"t really gone to the part of what happened in that dirty little booth. So I promise as long as I still draw breath, I will continue this shit in my next post.

My Apathy

playing on my iPod:
Take Cover - Mr. Big

I went in a bar today, trying to neutralized my current mood poisoning with the strongest stuff they had there; then a women came up to me and start a conversation. She offered me her "services" and mentioned that she can do things that don't even have names for and even though she was fairly aged but she promised that she would make it up with enthusiasm and also for a slightly higher fee she is willing to bring a friend, so that we could engage in a little "menage-a-trios". To be frank, I was baked but not baked enough to bring myself to engage the service of a woman almost two times my age or even initiate a sexual orgy with her and her peer. I decline respectfully and she asked me if I could buy her a drink; seeing that she didn't persist on asking me to take up her offer, I agree on that drink . She made some small talk, like a lonely woman who talks about the weather and all other things. I tried to be pleasant to accommodate her but my head begun to hurt from all the alcohol and her banality. I almost didn't notice it when it happened. I threw up all over her. She was not pleased. I apologized and I left hastily. Then my fucking mood plunged to a record low and it strikes me that what sick and ridiculous puppets we all are, and what a gross stage we call earth that we all dance on. What fun, dancing and fucking. Not a care in the world, not knowing we are nothing. We are not what were intended. I told myself I cannot afford to be naïve anymore. Yes, this fucking world that we live in embraces and nurtures apathy like a virtue. As a matter of fact this apathy has been driven like a stake so deep into our hearts, we begun to use it as a solution. Apathy is our fucking solution to everything. I mean it is so much easier to lose yourself in drugs than to cope with your life. It is easier to steal what you want than earn it. It is easier to beat a child than to raise it. It is easier to run than to stay and try to make things work. It is so much easier to kill yourself and end it all than to endure the pain. Living our life cost, love takes effort, work. Fuck it, I am sick and tired of life and I just don't care anymore.