xniquet's engagement invitation

Since it was our parents' idea to have this engagement party, so I will have my way of doing the party and invitation instead. So if you see one of this landing in your mail box, don't be alarm. It is for real and yes you are invited to join this congregation of spies. These are just the template that we are going to send in for printing, the information on it is inaccurate, you will get the information when you receive your invites. If you haven't seen me online for awhile that means I am on a cross-country cycling trip or you have fucking Streamyx to thank for me my absent. Anyway, tomorrow is Hari Raya, so my wishes to all my Muslim friends who are celebrating it.

Kung Fu Sex 2: The Chastity Breaking Monk

Since the beginning time, men have been trying like hell to get into the pants of women; but women being the fussy ones were trying to keep men out of her pants and only let in a few good ones in. Even though both men and women were created equally horny, but somehow, the men’s penis always gets the best of them and women seems to have a built in “on” and “off” sex switch which they can use it at their disposal.

500 years ago, a group ancient monks of the east who was staying next to some hot nuns was sick and tired of jerking off and were trying like hell to get into the pants of nuns; you see most of these monks was sent by their parents into the monastery and did not on their freewill sworn to have a sexless life. And this was one of their motivations, to get laid with them hot nuns next door before they bite the dust. But the determination of the nun to keep their chastity intact was so strong that all attempts by these horny monks did not avail. So these monks introduced human body studies into their curriculum hoping to find a way to get laid with these nuns which made them really good physician only. But in the end, there was a exceptional monk who did not have any interested in studying how the body works but only had a dream of opening a body massage parlor found out that when God created women, He placed several sex chakra or button on the body of the women, so that when the sense of touch and pressure are given to these places, you are not only unleashing the inner beast and leaving her craving for the dick, tongue or something else (use your imagination) but you are also preparing her up for the ultimate orgasm rush. This is the first known documented instruction for foreplay known to men. No tongue, saliva or toys are required because it is an ancient Chinese acupressure massaging technique that only uses your thumb and palms to sex her up and breaking down all her sex resistance. Remember to warm your hands by rubbing them together and then make firm circles in these hot spots:

THE CENTER OF HER CHEST, AROUND HER BREAST BONE

This is to ease off all her anxiety and resistance to sex. It induces calm by “opening the heart”

DOWN BOTH SIDES OF HER SPINES, TO HER LOWER BACK

Here you are directing warm energy from her upper body to her pelvis.

HER BELLY, FRO NAVEL DOWN TO HER PUBIC BONE

It is physical center of the body and ultimately critical to a person’s sexual satisfaction.

INNER LEGS, WORKING FROM ANKLE UP

Arouses the energy line that begins at the big toe ad moves up her leg and to her groin area.

And your think breast grouping, vagina rubbing or pussy chowing would take you far, think again. Applying pressure to those offensives areas would only anger her when she is not in the mood. Trust me you wouldn’t wanna rub a pussy the wrong way. But these spots may not be those areas where guys would usually go for; it would only make you appear to be giving her a relaxing massage but instead you are sexing her up by applying a little pressure to these spots that she can’t resist and before the night is over you will be humping her like a wilder beast. If you are skeptical about the whole thing, you can always use the Zen fingers to check out the level of moistness that the above technique has gotten her. Remember when she is mad at you for some absurd reasons like forgetting anniversary or her birthday and uses her ultimate weapon – the no-sex-for-you strike, the above technique is the best counterstrike, when you are through with it she will be asking for more.

Welcome to the Jungle: Unspoken Rules of the Jungle

I may have been into this thick jungle reserve many many times, but every time I come out from it, I will either end up in another location or I will manage to stumble on a different route to where I started. Right about now you might think that I am a pathfinder noob, but I tell you this jungle holds a lot of mysterious energy. The trees are old and most of them are hundreds of years old. The locals here believes that this jungle here is a concentration of wandering spirits because as development takes place, all the wandering spirits congregates at the least developed places. The Malays here said that in every tree in this jungle there will be a “Penunggu” or Keeper and whoever enters the jungle should respect it or they will suffer the consequences. Even though I don’t really buy this mambo jumbo thingy, but I do adhere to the unspoken rules.










Here is a few which you might know:


1.When you are doing your business there, always say excuse me before you pee or take a crap;

2.Never litter, burn or contaminate; never break, chop and clear a branches or bushes for no reason, unless you need to get to the other side;

3.If you are alone in the jungle and you hear someone calling you from behind, never turn behind and look, instead use something reflecting to check it out, to see if there is really someone before you turn back to look. That is why it is encouraged to bring a small mirror or something reflective to the jungle (I use the back of my iPod, isn’t iPod great?). If there is no one, I suggest you run like the wind;

4.Never attempt to stay overnight in the jungle alone, get the fuck outta there before sunset. Even if the wandering spirits don’t get you, some hungry animal might.; and

5.This is the most important one, never pick up foreign object in the jungle and never ever bring it back with you. You never know what you might bring back with you. The object might be vessel for something. The locals here believes that”Djin” or evil spirits lives in these objects. The Malays here believes that sometimes a “bomoh” (Malay medium) might cast vessels that contain evil spirits that they have captured into the jungle, therefore, bringing back some foreign object you found in jungle which you think might be a great deco piece in your room is a big NO NO. But if you already did, you might wanna look out for the symptoms:

i you start getting weird nightmares;
ii your luck just couldn’t get any worst;
iii you fall sick and the doctor doesn’t know what is wrong with you; or
iv you start to see things that you shouldn’t .


If you are suffering from the above, I think it is a good idea for you to visit your local witchdoctor to find out what the fuck did you just got yourself into.


I hope this doesn’t scare you from going jungle trekking. Just stick to the unspoken rules and you will be fine besides jungle trekking is such a great cardio workout and the air here is good for you too. You might be thinking that it is crazy to go jungle trekking these days because of the insane hot weather. But you know what, being in the jungle with it thick foliage; it almost felt like you are in an air conditioning room. It is way better than being in an air conditioning room because it air condition would only dry your skin and this doesn’t. Besides in the day time these trees produce plenty of O2 which is really good for your skin and delays aging. I know the last post and this post might bore you because it is just another ordinary day in my life but it is the simple things that I am beginning to miss doing. The thought of leaving here and head to LA to start anew still lay heavy in my heart. Even though I am used to the big city but deep down inside I am still a “Budak Kampung” (village boy) who enjoys the nature like the beach and jungle. Come on where in the world will I be able to find a hidden beach of my own to surf and go jungle trekking in the middle of the week?



Even though the jungle reserve is just five minutes from my house but I still I prepare myself before going, because you never know what will happen in there. So these are the basic stuff that I bring for any jungle trekking:

1.My trekking shoes
2.My short fingers multipurpose gloves, for RM89 it is one of the best investment, I use them for almost anything except biking because the wrist guard gets in the way.
3.My back pack to carry everything inside.
4.My hydro pack, this baby carries 2 litter of water, so I don’t of dehydration.
5.My protective glasses, in case I get into thick bushes.
6.My Maglite in case I don’t make it out the jungle before sundown.
7.My Walkie Talkie, don’t ask me why. Since it was always been in my back pack, I didn’t want to leave it elsewhere, so I brought it along.
8.My iPod, I told you I go everywhere with it, even my identity card is inside the leather casing.

I may feel relax in the jungle but nothings beats coming home to a nice soft bed, with a glass of California red, a nice book and Vivaldi’s Four Seasons playing on my headphone. Just ignore that telephone book like women magazine beside the bed. Those belong to Lisa. Anyway, on the right, you will find another short Vlog that I taken while passing by the mini zoo to get into the jungle. Meet Thunder Bob, that is what Mike used to call him, I am not sure if Thunder Bob still recognized me but just look at the video and you will see how excited he is or maybe he is just trying to maul me.

A Day in xniquet’s Busy Working Life

Sometimes I wonder how my life was going to be like if I am a clockwork white collar slave living in this laid back beach town. It’s been so long since I was a white collar plowing my ass off, but everything has changed since I came back to my home town. My routine are like biking, surfing, drinking, jamming with the band, play PlayStation or watch DVD till I pass out and repeat all over again and oh I miss something, blogging too. Life is so mundane back here, so much so that I have enough time to visit a cafeteria 7 times a day for two days, just to see a girl who later became my fiancé. But once every year, I get to play the role of a white collar slave and it is today. Because today is my company’s Annual General Meeting (AGM) where Shareholders and directors, company secretary and auditors are to hold a fucking meeting to adopt the year’s audited accounts, reappointment of auditor and other shit that they fucking list on the meeting’s agenda. It is so fucking boring, I wish they could just skip all the bullshit and fast forward to the part where I sign and leave; that would be great. I would have send my trusted proxy (woawoa) to attend the meeting on my behalf but she was just too busy barking at my neighbor’s chickens, so I just had to do it on my own. Besides I also wanted to know if there is any increment on the director’s fees. [Keeps finger cross].Like any other day, it started with me walking my proxy out to do her business and then a visit to my late wife’s resting place. Head home to do a little QiGong meditation and a working out to the Village People’s Macho Man. My breakfast this morning was GALI MEE (curry noodles)- It is a very common breakfast for the people in Kuantan and as usual my proxy will always be there when I am going to eat something.

These are the things that I brought to my meeting and every other day that I go in my office:

1 iPod:
A must have, I cannot live without it.

2 Pocket PC:
When I am in the toilet doing my business; I am particular fond of reading blogs in the toilet.

3 Sun Glasses:
In case it gets really sunny or I have to drive.

4 Cologne:
In case some dipshit decides to smoke in the meeting and leaving me smelling like ciggy.

5 Pens:
Obviously for writing and signing, duhhhh.

6 Flask:
the coffee in the office stinks, I need to add in something extra.

7 Purse:
I don’t use a wallet.

8 House phone:
my office is just across my house and I can get my house calls even when I am in the of

Meeting starts
*cricket sound*
ZZZzzZZZZZZZzzZZZzzzZZz
*snores*

Wakes up to sign papers and YAYY! It is over, after shaking the hands of the other directors and the rest of the people, I bid them good bye and see them next year. I walked across the one lane street and went into my house and had nuggets, sausages, toast with cheese, cauliflower and raw tomatoes for lunch. After which I continue to Sex Wax my surfboard and then proceed to the beach to surf.



The time was 7pm when I came back from the beach, only to be greeted by the orange sky. I don’t know about you, but it is pretty common here in Kuantan. After a nice warm bath, felt too tired to eat, so skipped dinner and did a finger exercise with the PS3. After that I decided to switch on my desktop only to do some blogging, only to be smack on the head by Lisa, who then send me off to bed after a cuppa Chamomile blend to help me sleep because I am suppose to wake up at 5am for surfing the next day. So I guess with her highness around, I won’t be able to produce as much post as I used to.Anyway, [*points to the right] enjoy episode one of the red groteskes TV which feature my proxy woa woa.

I Heart Sex Wax: The Best for My Stick

It has been a little over two months and this animal urge inside me just keeps growing and growing. Ever since Lisa came down to LA, I never really have the privacy to explore different pleasures. But now I am finally alone; Just me, my hands, a towel, my long shaft and my newly purchased Sex Wax that I purchase in CaliPORNia - they told me that the wax would do miracles. I breathe heavily as I torn open he wrapper on the Sex Wax ,the words on the label caught my eyes, it says “The Best for your Stick”. Even though it was a warm morning with a temperature of 30’C, I could feel the chill of excitement that gave me goose bumps and left my nipples erected. So I wet my lips with my saliva and swallow the excess as I took the Sex Wax and prepare to rub one in all over my long and hard shaft. Man, I tell you this better give me a good tractor and grip because I pay good money for this shit right here.

FYI, Sex Wax has many uses but none of them are associated with sex or masturbation. Due to the product name, it became extremely popular, even among those who had never ridden a surfboard. And their slogans, "The best for your stick", is really something, it had me going for a while there, until I really found out what it is for. It is generally a wax where surfers rub it on top of their boards to allow better control of their surf board. But some drummers use it on their drum sticks for better grip, that is why I got one of them Sex Wax for our drummer. But for now, it has been too long since that last time I surfed, I just couldn’t wait to catch some wicked waves. You know a good song for me to rub wax all over my shaft and prepare to head out to the sea is Nazareth’s Hair of the Dog [Wondering how it sounds? Download it here]. My alarm clock is set and I just couldn’t wait for the time to turn 5am.


5am and with black caffeine injected into my system and AC/DC‘s Back in Black jacked into my brain, I was on my way to one of Kuantan’s lovely and hidden beach which we call the 3rd Bay which is located west of Methodist Bay. [Not much people know about this hidden beach only a handful of locals know about it, I actually stumble upon it while jungle trekking] My surfing guru Bodi once said that surfing is actually a very tribal and spiritual act and that surfers harvest the energy of the waves. That is why I have decided to adopt a tribal name, something that only my surfer friends can call me – “Kutubandai”. Anyway, Bodi also said that God has a sick sense of humor, and every now and then he likes to show men that how small they are by create a big Kahuna waves that makes your balls feels like raisin. But that isn’t the case today I guess, even up to 9am when Lisa came with my breakfast, the only waves I could catch were just these pathetic child play waves than makes the fake ass man-made waves in Sunway lagoon looks like tsunami waves.

Bummer, I thought I could at least show off in front of Lisa, but just look at how pathetic the waves are…Oh South China Sea where thou art your sting?

Anyway, today I am going to share the anatomy of the waves known to surfers, so if you are planning to take up body surfing, you might wanna read up a bit about this: (refer to the picture below)



1 The Soup
Also known as the “inside”, this is the spot where the waves have already broken down and moves to the beach in a mass of rolling white water or what the Chinese would call it wave flowers. If you haven’t got your surfing cherry popped yet, this is the spot to be for virgin surfers.

2 The Peak
This is where the wave reaches the peak and starts to break. Wait here to catch the waves. It is the unsaid rule for surfers that the surfer closest to the breaking point goes first. If you try cutting in the cue before your time, you might end up with a fat lip and a black eye. Remember to follow the lead of experience surfers, if you don’t know who the fuck is the experience one, don’t worry that means it isn’t you and what the fuck are you even doing here, go back to No.1 the soup, you virgin.

3 The Impact Zone
This is no man’s land, the spot between No. 2 the Peak and No. 1 the Soup. It is the place the most dangerous place to be because this is where the wave unloads majority of its power and you wouldn’t want to be caught in its wrath.

4 The Shoulder
It’s the unbroken part of the wave, usually left of right of the peak. This is the great place for intermediates to practice.

5 The Outside
Located beyond, where waves that is so great that it means your balls feels like raisin type of waves break. What I am saying is this is where the tsunami type of waves will appear. Patience is the key because the big ones are few and far apart, sometimes you might not even get one in one whole day. This place is solely for the elite surfers and also surfers with a death wish like xniquet.

6 The Channel
This is the safe and easiest route to paddle out to the peak and beyond. To safely head out to the peak, always look for darker patch of the water because that means that means water is deeper there and fewer wave breaks there.




So remember to look me up if you are in Kuantan for surfing, I am always ready for a good ride and I plan to start a surfing school too but currently I am only accepting hot chic dressed in bikinis :D