McAss Buffet at Billabong Pro Am 2008

playing on my iPod:
Used To Love Her (But I Hand To Kill Her) - Voodoo Glow Skulls

It was a fucking lovely Monday morning when I got my ass outta bed. I was at the verge of exploding in my pants not because I had a wet dream but I had to fucking pee. My body was one big fucking sore because of the 3 days of sun, sand, surf and sweet ass bitches at the Billabong Pro Am surfing fest. I was too damn tired to prepare breakfast and my body was already serving gastric juice to my tummy. Seeing that it was the Chinese festive season of Gluttonous balls, there weren't many stall opened today and I wasn't in the fucking mood for spicy and hot stuff, so the thought of Indian and Malay food was completely out. The only sane thing to do was to head up to Mickey D's at the beach. To be frank, I haven't dine at Mickey D's for a long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long time. If you ask me how many fucking long is that, I would say too fucking long. So I went up to the fucking cashier that looks like a transvestite and I ordered a large set of McChicken and then I saw the Prosperity Burger thing that fucking comes with a set of curly fries; fuck that I just gotta have that too because I simply love curly fries. It always reminds me of pubic hair and I love pubic hair, who the fuck doesn't? So I fucking ordered 2 sets (because I like to party). When McTranny came up with the fucking bill, McCibai!!! When did 2 sets of value meal cost RM30+? McMotherfucker, the last time I had a McValue meal it was still under RM10.


Anyway, whatever has been done been done, so I sat down on a table facing the sea and try to fucking enjoy my McRip-off meal. Man, it was a big fucking McMistake for ordering 2 sets, I was full right after my third bite on my McChicken and I haven't even started on my fucking Prosperity burger. But it would be a McShame to waste it, so after 1 hour and 15 minutes, I manage to gobble up every McGoddamn thing on my fucking tray and it made me fucking sick. As I was driving home I was having McNausea, I could McThrow Up anytime. I really don't want to do that, at least not in my spanking new car that I just got less than 2 months ago. I ain't McBulimia or McAnorexia but when I open the fucking car door, I immediately threw up all over my house porch. There was so much McVomit all over my fucking porch. And this was how I fucking remember why the fuck I have been staying away from McfuckingDonalds all this while.


Anyway, like I told you that I just came back from Cherating from the 3 days of the Inaugural Billabong Pro Am surfing, an event which I couldn't take part in because of my injuries I got last April. But I manage to do a little surfing and mingling around. I met surfers from all over the world, especially sweet ass Megan. She was so fine that I wanted to sink my teeth in her; she was almost like a supermodel only with a little more breast and ass. She was one few people like me whom share the same love of tattoos, biking, Patrick Star and fucking. Alright she didn't say fucking but who doesn't like to fuck? I spent most of the nights there with her drinking and dancing the night away to Ska punk but that was just it. So now I leave you with some pictures from the event. Instead of taking pictures of people surfing, I decided to be a pervert and take pictures of people's asses.






I guess the heat of the sun turned me into a pervert after all and so there's all the ass I have for you this time . To those celebrating the upcoming festivity, have a merry fucking xmas.

Is it alright to dip your dick in your close friend's pussy?

playing on my iPod:
Faith - George Michael

To say that Jane and I are two of a kind would be an understatement; we were like Chinese food and chocolate pudding or Cocaine and waffles or peanut butter and ladies. She was a vegetarian while I like my steak bloody in the middle; she was an atheist while I fucking blame God for my lame existence; she was the intellectual, be safe or sorry type while I was the dumb and reckless son of a bitch who does crazy things to have fun. Yet we fucking manage to strike an accord right in the middle and co-exist in a symbiosis manner. It could be my fucked up peculiar personality that captivated her or it could be her brain wrapped in all that smartness and sexiness that gave me an intellectual hard on. Maybe it could be my absurd ideas and persuasiveness together with her open-heartedness and willingness to explore that somehow blends us together and making it felt so right.



Or it could be my witty answers to all our pointless disagreements:




*xniquet looks up to Cal Naughton, Jr. that is why he likes to party*

They say sometimes shit happens, but in my case shit always seems to follow me around. Since Jane had her say on going fishing the last week, it was my turn to bring her for a midnight surf which turn out to be a big fucking mistake because the water was fucking freezing. She was smart not to go in any further right after her ankle felt the cold numbness of the sea but I was my usual self - a show off and a jackass. I dive right in and I came out shivering my ass off and with my dick shrinking to the size of a new born infant, all the fucking blankets in the world would never revive my body heat and return my penis to its original state. (Oh my fucking lord, I should have worn shorts instead of my wet suit, now Jane is going to see how damn petite my unit can get when it gets chilly)

So in the mist of my violent shivering, Jane decided to come over and give me some of her body warmth. It started with a hug, then my lips just sort of got stuck on hers and we started kissing and it went up a notch when I gave her a 30 second Frenchy. Then she stopped to take a deep breath before she shoved her tongue all the way down my throat for another 30 seconds . My hands just sorta moved itself as it reaches for her tits. I mean of course when a guy make out with a girl, their hands will automatically go for a feelski; its fucking normal, right?

Before we knew what was going on, my hands was already underneath her clothes , unhooking her bra (yes I am that good in unhooking bras, back openers only, I suck at front openers) and my mouth and tongue was no longer massaging her tongue but was behind, over and back, all over her neck and ear lobes. As the night draws to an end, it happened and both our hands and feet got scratched. You see I have done it dozens of times (maybe not dozens but a few times), it is completely normal to get scratches on your hands and feet while you fuck at the beach because the sand here isn't as soft as they use to fucking be.

It was an ultra funky weird morning; we came here as friends but woke up like two lovers lying on the beach sharing a blanket. Deep down we both know (I think) that what fucking went down last night was just our lust; there wasn't a single drop of love between us; it just like two animal getting it on, feeding and quenching each other's sex thirst. Yes, I do love her, like I love my guy buddies but none of that lovey dovey romantic bullshit. That was no way the act of fucking is going to blur out the line between friends and lovers for us (I hope).


It is funny because I always treat my male and female friends the same, in the sense that I wouldn't go outta my way to show more flair or sophistication or give any special treatment to my female friends just because they got bigger and prettier tits than my male friends. I treat them the fucking same - just like crap. That is why the thought of what I have just done - dipping my dick into my friend's pussy felt almost like stabbing a guy's anus. I don't know about you but it really feels fucking weird to fuck someone who you just wanna be friends with. It almost felt gay and all that gayness has left my head twisted up feeling like a pretzel. Fuck that, I have pretzel in my head.

You know I never liked Malaysian made cars and shit, but somehow I always find myself in them.

A Day in xniquet’s Busy Working Life

Sometimes I wonder how my life was going to be like if I am a clockwork white collar slave living in this laid back beach town. It’s been so long since I was a white collar plowing my ass off, but everything has changed since I came back to my home town. My routine are like biking, surfing, drinking, jamming with the band, play PlayStation or watch DVD till I pass out and repeat all over again and oh I miss something, blogging too. Life is so mundane back here, so much so that I have enough time to visit a cafeteria 7 times a day for two days, just to see a girl who later became my fiancé. But once every year, I get to play the role of a white collar slave and it is today. Because today is my company’s Annual General Meeting (AGM) where Shareholders and directors, company secretary and auditors are to hold a fucking meeting to adopt the year’s audited accounts, reappointment of auditor and other shit that they fucking list on the meeting’s agenda. It is so fucking boring, I wish they could just skip all the bullshit and fast forward to the part where I sign and leave; that would be great. I would have send my trusted proxy (woawoa) to attend the meeting on my behalf but she was just too busy barking at my neighbor’s chickens, so I just had to do it on my own. Besides I also wanted to know if there is any increment on the director’s fees. [Keeps finger cross].Like any other day, it started with me walking my proxy out to do her business and then a visit to my late wife’s resting place. Head home to do a little QiGong meditation and a working out to the Village People’s Macho Man. My breakfast this morning was GALI MEE (curry noodles)- It is a very common breakfast for the people in Kuantan and as usual my proxy will always be there when I am going to eat something.

These are the things that I brought to my meeting and every other day that I go in my office:

1 iPod:
A must have, I cannot live without it.

2 Pocket PC:
When I am in the toilet doing my business; I am particular fond of reading blogs in the toilet.

3 Sun Glasses:
In case it gets really sunny or I have to drive.

4 Cologne:
In case some dipshit decides to smoke in the meeting and leaving me smelling like ciggy.

5 Pens:
Obviously for writing and signing, duhhhh.

6 Flask:
the coffee in the office stinks, I need to add in something extra.

7 Purse:
I don’t use a wallet.

8 House phone:
my office is just across my house and I can get my house calls even when I am in the of

Meeting starts
*cricket sound*
ZZZzzZZZZZZZzzZZZzzzZZz
*snores*

Wakes up to sign papers and YAYY! It is over, after shaking the hands of the other directors and the rest of the people, I bid them good bye and see them next year. I walked across the one lane street and went into my house and had nuggets, sausages, toast with cheese, cauliflower and raw tomatoes for lunch. After which I continue to Sex Wax my surfboard and then proceed to the beach to surf.



The time was 7pm when I came back from the beach, only to be greeted by the orange sky. I don’t know about you, but it is pretty common here in Kuantan. After a nice warm bath, felt too tired to eat, so skipped dinner and did a finger exercise with the PS3. After that I decided to switch on my desktop only to do some blogging, only to be smack on the head by Lisa, who then send me off to bed after a cuppa Chamomile blend to help me sleep because I am suppose to wake up at 5am for surfing the next day. So I guess with her highness around, I won’t be able to produce as much post as I used to.Anyway, [*points to the right] enjoy episode one of the red groteskes TV which feature my proxy woa woa.

I Heart Sex Wax: The Best for My Stick

It has been a little over two months and this animal urge inside me just keeps growing and growing. Ever since Lisa came down to LA, I never really have the privacy to explore different pleasures. But now I am finally alone; Just me, my hands, a towel, my long shaft and my newly purchased Sex Wax that I purchase in CaliPORNia - they told me that the wax would do miracles. I breathe heavily as I torn open he wrapper on the Sex Wax ,the words on the label caught my eyes, it says “The Best for your Stick”. Even though it was a warm morning with a temperature of 30’C, I could feel the chill of excitement that gave me goose bumps and left my nipples erected. So I wet my lips with my saliva and swallow the excess as I took the Sex Wax and prepare to rub one in all over my long and hard shaft. Man, I tell you this better give me a good tractor and grip because I pay good money for this shit right here.

FYI, Sex Wax has many uses but none of them are associated with sex or masturbation. Due to the product name, it became extremely popular, even among those who had never ridden a surfboard. And their slogans, "The best for your stick", is really something, it had me going for a while there, until I really found out what it is for. It is generally a wax where surfers rub it on top of their boards to allow better control of their surf board. But some drummers use it on their drum sticks for better grip, that is why I got one of them Sex Wax for our drummer. But for now, it has been too long since that last time I surfed, I just couldn’t wait to catch some wicked waves. You know a good song for me to rub wax all over my shaft and prepare to head out to the sea is Nazareth’s Hair of the Dog [Wondering how it sounds? Download it here]. My alarm clock is set and I just couldn’t wait for the time to turn 5am.


5am and with black caffeine injected into my system and AC/DC‘s Back in Black jacked into my brain, I was on my way to one of Kuantan’s lovely and hidden beach which we call the 3rd Bay which is located west of Methodist Bay. [Not much people know about this hidden beach only a handful of locals know about it, I actually stumble upon it while jungle trekking] My surfing guru Bodi once said that surfing is actually a very tribal and spiritual act and that surfers harvest the energy of the waves. That is why I have decided to adopt a tribal name, something that only my surfer friends can call me – “Kutubandai”. Anyway, Bodi also said that God has a sick sense of humor, and every now and then he likes to show men that how small they are by create a big Kahuna waves that makes your balls feels like raisin. But that isn’t the case today I guess, even up to 9am when Lisa came with my breakfast, the only waves I could catch were just these pathetic child play waves than makes the fake ass man-made waves in Sunway lagoon looks like tsunami waves.

Bummer, I thought I could at least show off in front of Lisa, but just look at how pathetic the waves are…Oh South China Sea where thou art your sting?

Anyway, today I am going to share the anatomy of the waves known to surfers, so if you are planning to take up body surfing, you might wanna read up a bit about this: (refer to the picture below)



1 The Soup
Also known as the “inside”, this is the spot where the waves have already broken down and moves to the beach in a mass of rolling white water or what the Chinese would call it wave flowers. If you haven’t got your surfing cherry popped yet, this is the spot to be for virgin surfers.

2 The Peak
This is where the wave reaches the peak and starts to break. Wait here to catch the waves. It is the unsaid rule for surfers that the surfer closest to the breaking point goes first. If you try cutting in the cue before your time, you might end up with a fat lip and a black eye. Remember to follow the lead of experience surfers, if you don’t know who the fuck is the experience one, don’t worry that means it isn’t you and what the fuck are you even doing here, go back to No.1 the soup, you virgin.

3 The Impact Zone
This is no man’s land, the spot between No. 2 the Peak and No. 1 the Soup. It is the place the most dangerous place to be because this is where the wave unloads majority of its power and you wouldn’t want to be caught in its wrath.

4 The Shoulder
It’s the unbroken part of the wave, usually left of right of the peak. This is the great place for intermediates to practice.

5 The Outside
Located beyond, where waves that is so great that it means your balls feels like raisin type of waves break. What I am saying is this is where the tsunami type of waves will appear. Patience is the key because the big ones are few and far apart, sometimes you might not even get one in one whole day. This place is solely for the elite surfers and also surfers with a death wish like xniquet.

6 The Channel
This is the safe and easiest route to paddle out to the peak and beyond. To safely head out to the peak, always look for darker patch of the water because that means that means water is deeper there and fewer wave breaks there.




So remember to look me up if you are in Kuantan for surfing, I am always ready for a good ride and I plan to start a surfing school too but currently I am only accepting hot chic dressed in bikinis :D

shoot me again, i ain't dead yet

You might have heard it a “Googilion” times from your mother, your gym instructor, your nutritionist … telling you that your fucking breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Most of my fucking life, I used to ignore it because who in the fuck would have an appetite to eat when you have just woken up, all your gastric juice in your stomach is still frozen and shit during your night of sleep and it would take some time to fucking melt it. Draining down a Big Gulp filled with Pepsi or popping a can of Pepsi has been my daily morning staple for many years in my teens then I grew up and started getting more sophisticated, instead just a just soda, I made myself Coffee Royal to kick start my day. (don’t try this if you have a rule of non-alcohol before 12pm policy) No wonder I always label myself as a “not a morning person”. I can only fully start my engine in the afternoon, at least until I get a decent meal. But recent months (before my accident), surfing in the morning requires a lot from me and riding the waves with just a can of Pepsi or a glass of Coffee Royal just didn’t do me any justice. I need to refuel to fully ride the waves. Therefore I have been having heavy breakfast every morning before going surfing and it did improved my surfing. It was hard at first but as time moved by and the motivation of having strength to get better waves it has become a habit now. So this is what I basically have in the mornings that I go surfing.

dry toast – carbohydrate for energy
baked potato - carbohydrate for energy
salad (I have found that celery with a dash of lemon and salt with bread taste kinda like cheese) – to help me shit
eggs/beacon/sausages – protein and cholesterol for cell regeneration and also to make me die faster.

On mornings which I need to go in the studio or office, I would take muesli and dry fruits. Instead of washing it down with a glass of orange juice, I always drain down a glass of water mixed with 3 teaspoon of Apple Cider Vinegar. I guess it is way better than OJ because it has a lower content in sugar but what do I know, I practically flush Pepsi down mt throat like water daily. I have been asked by my surfing friends to take it easy because I have just recovered from my injuries and maybe I should take it down a fucking notch, but time isn’t on my side, because some wise man said that time and “tide” waits for no man, and I wouldn’t wanna go against any wise men right? I guess the waves has to take a better shot at me because I ain’t dead yet. Lastly, there is another saying; your body is your temple so you have to take care of it. But too bad I am not a religious person; therefore, I will just let my temple crumble.