Right Next Door to Amityville Horror

Do you believe in ghost?

Well, at least I want to believe that it is true. I have never seen one with my own eyeballs nor feel or smell the scent of one, heck I never even encounter a strange happening in my whole fucking life but if you consider scamming hot transvestite in the middle of the night as a paranormal activity then maybe yeah.

But right until now I am still a paranormal virgin and no ghost or apparition has yet to pop my fucking cherry.

[I had something planned for this week entitled Fast & Furiously Trying to Get Laid but something came up and I thought I blog about this first]

This morning as I was watering my spice garden (which only consist of mint plants and more mint plants), I happened to strike up a conversation with one of the kindergarten teachers who was working next door. (Yeah, I live next to a Kindergarten, it is a great place to find a hot girl who would tolerate you when you feel like acting like a 5 year old) I was asking her if she knew about all the ruckus that was going on a month ago with the house behind me. And a shocking revelation was unfold to me, it seem that the house is haunted. No one really talks about it but everyone knows that it is the Amityville of this area. Five fucking families have lived there and all of them moved out within a month. Another common thing about the families is that they are all Indians. You might think that Prima Facie-ly this is because of the irresponsible money-hunger Chinese Realtor that thinks the Indians are suckers for haunted houses. But the true fact is this Chinese Realtor is actually very responsible for only letting Indian family in that haunted house because it goes without saying that Indian is somewhat immune to ghost because it is generally assume that ghosts can’t see them at night. Then again the exorcism (if needed) perform by the Indian is by far the cheapest of the other races here. Come on, how much do you think a few sheets of banana leaves cost? As for a full blown Chinese exorcism, just by asking advice from them, it would cost you a red packet containing nothing less than RM888.88 (a very auspicious figure to the fucking Chinese) and did you know that it will cause you a bomb if you are required to burn paper effigies to appease the fucking spirits which I think it is more like appeasing the blood leeching exorcist than the ghost. Come on who you think the Realtor would let the house to if they are liable for exorcism cost. Take a guess, take a wild guess…

I was greatly disappointed because I've moved in a house next to a haunted house and not into one. You know the fucking feeling of being one number short of the jackpot or having some fucking idiot shout “Bingo” when you are already so close to winning. I feel cheated, just because my skin isn’t black, I’m not always drunk and I don’t reek of coconut oil, it doesn't mean I don't wanna move in a haunted house.

But what is done is done, but that doesn't kill my fascination for that haunted house. I believe every evil has a beginning even Lord Lucifer started as a choir Boy in God’s choir. That is why I really wanna know more about what is going on in that house and also the history and when it started becoming haunted.

Now I fucking feel like Sam & Dean from Supernatural but the only difference is I'm not that good looking, I'm alone & my car booth isn’t filled with guns armed with salt rock shells. But that ain't gonna stop me from getting to the bottom of it.

Ghost Caught in Picture?

In my iPod: All Screwed Up - AC/DC
[download]
State of mind: Dazed
Location: Home

She was wearing your favorite white and blue stripe shirt with two button in front undone, only to expose her little heart-shaped jade necklace; Her golden oval glasses compliments her sparkling orange lip gloss; She wore her hair back and you could smell that she her Estee Lauder from where you are sitting; Fuck man, how can your colleague be so perfect? Perfect like the girls in your DVD collection that you spent most of your night watching while you pet the one eye snake inside your underpants before you go to sleep.

When that she walked passed you, the only thing that you head is doing is undressing her. Suddenly a shitload of thoughts just rush up to your head. Is she bushy? Waxed? Maybe shaved? You try to picture her nipples either being the pink cherry type or the dark and wrinkled prune-like type or one of those big ass nipples that cover one third of the breast. When she opens her mouth, all you can think about is whether your dick could fit in and does she give a fucking good head? When she turns her back and bend over to pick up something, you pray that she was going to spread those ass cheeks and tease you. You fucking look at her face and you image how she is going to look like with all your cum on her face. Then in the middle of completing your report that is to be due at 10am, there is this sudden tightness in your pants that you can't hold back anymore, you just have to drop every goddamn thing and fucking rush to the gents, with some napkin on one hand and your dick in the other, you quickly perform a ritualistic exorcism of your dick to blow the fucking load.

If you find yourself ever in that situation, all I can say is stay off the porn, my friend. You are fucking are having a porn overdose. Too much of a good thing doesn't necessarily make it better. Even though I don't have porn OD, but I think I have a serious case of spook talk show overdose and it has seriously affected my judgment. I tend to hallucinate and think that everything and anything around me could be paranormal or a manifestation of the spirit realm. Now every time I try looking into a mirror, I would make sure that the reflection is mine and not someone else's. Every time something moves or there is a sound, I will try to logic it out to make sure it isn't done by some spiritual uninvited guest. Every time I look at a fucking picture, I tend to look carefully at the picture; examining every inch and corner to see if there is a spirit that is being capture on camera. I think I finally lost it one night while I was walking outta my Cyber Café to my car, I saw someone walking around my car and looking into it. The first thing that come to my mind was it must be a wandering spirit trying to haunt my car or just trying to get in and follow me back home because it was parked near a cross junction (so they say that cross junction are usually haunted). When he saw me, he fucking ran away. Then only I fucking realized that that was no fucking spirit trying to haunt my car but a fucker who was trying to jack my car.

Seriously, now I know why spooky talk shows are only aired once a week and not every day. Too much of that shit will really messed up your fucking brain. I know because I watched 42 episode of that shit in 3 days. Look at me now.

Anyway, old habits dies hard, so while I was going through the pictures in my friend's Facebook, I accidentally found something really disturbing and I thought I should show it to you. It is actually an apparition caught inside a picture. Certain part of the picture is being censored to keep the identity of my friend. But if you still wanna see the original (click here). Just look carefully behind the bars you can see an apparition's face. I have circle the apparition inside and there is a blowup at the bottom left.

It appears that my friend has captured the ghostly face of the Hamburglar. XD

Alright fuck this shit, I ain’t going to watch anymore show for the moment. It is time for me to catch up with some reading and I think I think you should read Dante’s Divine Comedy if you haven't. So far I have completed the first part of the trilogy- Inferno (hell) and I can’t wait to jump into Purgatorio (Purgatory) and Paradiso (Paradise). Many of you may not know but even a fucking jackass like me has my bookworm moments. But fucking spare me the Harry Porter bullshit. I am only into the occult, divinity and morbid reads. By the way, I am looking for English version of Wataru Tsurumi’s The Complete Manual of Suicide. I still can’t find it anywhere. It is fucking times like these, that I fucking wish I could read Japanese.

The Key Lime Pie Horror

playing on my iPod:
The Outsider - A Perfect Circle

Have you ever waked up at 3:01am in the morning and have an epiphany? Neither have I but it was some sort of a fucking urge to make Key Lime Pie. You must be thinking that at 3am in the morning with not a single shit ingredient in the kitchen, it ain’t gonna happened. But sometimes I just marvel at how the human brain works, the fucking strong will of wanting to fucking make this fucking pie; I unconsciously in my sleep made up a fucking list of substitutes ingredient that I can get from the 7-11 store which was just a block away from my house. So I fucking got up, put on something and drove there.

As I was making the turn to 7-11, it occurred to me that it was getting awfully chilly at this time of the year. It didn’t rain for days, and monsoon season was definitely over here in the east coast and I didn’t even turn on the car’s AC. But it was so chilly that it was making my nipples so hard that it could cut through glass. A fucking scary thought ran through my mind, what if it is a ghost or something? I read it from somewhere that when there is an evil presence near, the air would get chilly and cold. Alright, I didn’t read it but I saw it in the Exorcist; Father Merin went into the Regan’s room when she was possessed by an evil spirit. The fucking room suddenly turned blizzard cold and he was puffing smoke outta his fucking lungs. So that thought sorta slip and I reckon that I was in that fucked up situation and it sent chills down my fucking spine.

I pull over to the side of the fucking road, and then slowly reach for the rear view mirror. I didn’t wanna make any sudden movement because we have seen it one too many times in horror movies, the fucker who makes sudden movements dies the most horrible death. So I slowly adjust the rear view mirror to look back at the rear passenger’s seat. Nope, there weren’t any apparitions, ghouls or zombies there. But it was getting even colder now; maybe they cast no reflection in the mirror like vampires in Bram Stoker’s Dracula. So with a single motion, I turn back to have a look at the rear seat with my own two eyes, but in your brain you might wanna try imaging it like I am doing it a slow motion because it would be pretty cool, don’t you think so?

There it was when I realized that I was wearing nothing but my boxers. I was topless and I only have a lime green boxer cover in blue patches in the shape of flowers on (think Patrick Star). Fuck it, I forgot to put on any clothes when I got out of the house and I didn’t have any money on me. But I always carry some money in my car in case of emergency, so now all I have to do is check out who is on the graveyard shift at 7-11. If it was a guy, I am all good and I don’t have to go home and change.

I guess my luck was changing after all because the cashier was a guy and I happened to know that fucker. So with both hands I pull the top of my boxer up to the level of my my belly button and then rushed in 7-11 grabbed all the stuff I needed to make the fucking pie, pay and leave. Who would have known that I managed to pull it off with only a boxer? With a big fat fucking grin on my face that runs from my left ear to my right ear, I drove home and get ready to bake.

As I went in my patio, suddenly I realized something. Motherfucker, they have CCTVs in all their outlets and I was on 7-11 TV. Fuck me man, I fucking hope that no low life geek that works in 7-11 would fucking post up a video in YouTube with a fucking title like this “Idiot wearing only boxers getting stuff in 7-11”.

I am so messed up right now because I am on this no-sex strike thing and I am passing my 11th day without sex. But it seems to be disrupting my daily routine, I can’t even update my blog properly that is why I have ask a pretty looking ghost to do so for me. None of my friend’s thinks that I could get passed Chinese New Year without fucking anyone because they think I am a sex addict in the making and some of them think I am already one. But I am here to fucking prove to them I am wrong. Okay, wait, let me get this correct, prove them wrong. Just 3 more days to Chinese New Year and then another 15 more days of non vaginal penetration festivity for me and then I am so gonna rub it in their face for calling me a sex addict right after I fuck the first women I see. I wonder who would be that lucky girl when the clock strikes 12:01 after Chinese New Year? Tell you what, just to show you what a nice guy I am, I am not sparing you the details when I am through humping that lucky girl.

Anyway, for those who wonder how does a 7-11 Key Lime Pie look like and taste like, here's the recipe:

the xniquet-wiki articles for this post: 7-11 Key Lime Pie

Welcome to the Jungle: Unspoken Rules of the Jungle

I may have been into this thick jungle reserve many many times, but every time I come out from it, I will either end up in another location or I will manage to stumble on a different route to where I started. Right about now you might think that I am a pathfinder noob, but I tell you this jungle holds a lot of mysterious energy. The trees are old and most of them are hundreds of years old. The locals here believes that this jungle here is a concentration of wandering spirits because as development takes place, all the wandering spirits congregates at the least developed places. The Malays here said that in every tree in this jungle there will be a “Penunggu” or Keeper and whoever enters the jungle should respect it or they will suffer the consequences. Even though I don’t really buy this mambo jumbo thingy, but I do adhere to the unspoken rules.










Here is a few which you might know:


1.When you are doing your business there, always say excuse me before you pee or take a crap;

2.Never litter, burn or contaminate; never break, chop and clear a branches or bushes for no reason, unless you need to get to the other side;

3.If you are alone in the jungle and you hear someone calling you from behind, never turn behind and look, instead use something reflecting to check it out, to see if there is really someone before you turn back to look. That is why it is encouraged to bring a small mirror or something reflective to the jungle (I use the back of my iPod, isn’t iPod great?). If there is no one, I suggest you run like the wind;

4.Never attempt to stay overnight in the jungle alone, get the fuck outta there before sunset. Even if the wandering spirits don’t get you, some hungry animal might.; and

5.This is the most important one, never pick up foreign object in the jungle and never ever bring it back with you. You never know what you might bring back with you. The object might be vessel for something. The locals here believes that”Djin” or evil spirits lives in these objects. The Malays here believes that sometimes a “bomoh” (Malay medium) might cast vessels that contain evil spirits that they have captured into the jungle, therefore, bringing back some foreign object you found in jungle which you think might be a great deco piece in your room is a big NO NO. But if you already did, you might wanna look out for the symptoms:

i you start getting weird nightmares;
ii your luck just couldn’t get any worst;
iii you fall sick and the doctor doesn’t know what is wrong with you; or
iv you start to see things that you shouldn’t .


If you are suffering from the above, I think it is a good idea for you to visit your local witchdoctor to find out what the fuck did you just got yourself into.


I hope this doesn’t scare you from going jungle trekking. Just stick to the unspoken rules and you will be fine besides jungle trekking is such a great cardio workout and the air here is good for you too. You might be thinking that it is crazy to go jungle trekking these days because of the insane hot weather. But you know what, being in the jungle with it thick foliage; it almost felt like you are in an air conditioning room. It is way better than being in an air conditioning room because it air condition would only dry your skin and this doesn’t. Besides in the day time these trees produce plenty of O2 which is really good for your skin and delays aging. I know the last post and this post might bore you because it is just another ordinary day in my life but it is the simple things that I am beginning to miss doing. The thought of leaving here and head to LA to start anew still lay heavy in my heart. Even though I am used to the big city but deep down inside I am still a “Budak Kampung” (village boy) who enjoys the nature like the beach and jungle. Come on where in the world will I be able to find a hidden beach of my own to surf and go jungle trekking in the middle of the week?



Even though the jungle reserve is just five minutes from my house but I still I prepare myself before going, because you never know what will happen in there. So these are the basic stuff that I bring for any jungle trekking:

1.My trekking shoes
2.My short fingers multipurpose gloves, for RM89 it is one of the best investment, I use them for almost anything except biking because the wrist guard gets in the way.
3.My back pack to carry everything inside.
4.My hydro pack, this baby carries 2 litter of water, so I don’t of dehydration.
5.My protective glasses, in case I get into thick bushes.
6.My Maglite in case I don’t make it out the jungle before sundown.
7.My Walkie Talkie, don’t ask me why. Since it was always been in my back pack, I didn’t want to leave it elsewhere, so I brought it along.
8.My iPod, I told you I go everywhere with it, even my identity card is inside the leather casing.

I may feel relax in the jungle but nothings beats coming home to a nice soft bed, with a glass of California red, a nice book and Vivaldi’s Four Seasons playing on my headphone. Just ignore that telephone book like women magazine beside the bed. Those belong to Lisa. Anyway, on the right, you will find another short Vlog that I taken while passing by the mini zoo to get into the jungle. Meet Thunder Bob, that is what Mike used to call him, I am not sure if Thunder Bob still recognized me but just look at the video and you will see how excited he is or maybe he is just trying to maul me.

People gets Paraniod during Ghost Festival

There was a tiniest dot caught my eyes and I thought I was going blind, it turned out to be a scab, but I still have this funniest feeling that something bad was going to happen. Each time I face my monitor, I feel like someone is watching my back, something that I shouldn’t be seeing. Each time I stepped in the glassware section, I have this precognition that I was going shattered all the fucking glassware that was on display; Each time, Lind our usual Hooters girl bring us our dinner and smile at us, I swear to god that the fucking huge black fry cook who might be her boyfriend is giving me the hard cold stare and the food that I am chewing on is covered with his saliva or pee; Each time a cop passes by me, I could feel my heart beating outta my chest because he could be arresting me for what I had last night, worst still pull out his gun and shoot me; When someone smiles at me, I just had to check my face and my fly to see if there is something wrong with me; The phone rings and I just freak out that it would be my parents, forcing me to get a date for the wedding; I am jumpy, can’t really sleep and I am constantly in paranoia. But you can’t blame me for being so, heard that the gates of hell, the Chinese one is being opened, and there are flocks of hungry ghost around, having bad luck and being jinxed is pretty much the norm I guess. (this is me trying to justify myself and not blaming it on the drugs and being paranoid is one of the after effects). Anyway since it is the Hungry Ghost festival is upon us and if you should encounter a ghost and didn’t know how to act, here are some remedies:

Speak to the ghost, out loud. Shout, if you feel you must. Explain to your ghost that what he/she is doing things that bother you. Explain exactly what those things are. Ask the ghost to stop immediately. If you want the ghost to leave altogether, you need to say that. This usually works. However, some ghosts won't take you seriously, and you may need to remind it to leave you alone several times before it stays away.

This is s great time to call in a favor form your God, may it be Buddha, Jesus, Allah or whichever one of your choice. Your ancestors could be of help too, since they are from the same neighborhood as the ghost, it would make it easier. So start sending out an SOS signal to the spirit world.

Recommended choice:run like hell…but if you are a blogger, before you run like the wind, remember to whip out your camera or camera phone ask the ghost to camwhore a bit and then maybe camwhore with it a bit, so that you can blogged about it the next day.

Anyway, happy Hungry Ghost Festival to y’all, but I am going to miss it. No more sight of Chinese pink muffins lying on the streets, smell of burn incent and rotten food the next day for me this year. Sigh…..

• Chinese Halloween
• Haunt a House: Ancient Japanese Way
• Ancient Incantation to Raise the Dead

Haunt a House: Ancient Japanese Way

百物語怪談会

There is a ancient Japanese way namely Hyakumonogatari Kaidankai translated into “ A Gathering of One Hundred Supernatural Tales” Hyakumonogatari Kaidankai was a popular game that originated during the Edo Period of Japan.

The game was a simple one. In a room, as night fell, one hundred candles were lit. Guests and players gathered around the candles, taking turns telling Kaidan [怪 (kai) meaning “strange, mysterious, rare or bewitching apparition" and 談 (dan) meaning “talk” or “recited narrative.”] After each kaidan, a single candle was extinguished, and the room slowly grew darker and darker. The process was an evocation. with the extinguishing of the final candle, you should find that the evocation of Hyakumonogatari Kaidankai has worked its magic,with the final candle believed to summon a supernatural entity and that means the entity has taken an interest in you and settled in your house.Anyway, me and the gang had a exhilarating time playing this game, listening to supernatural tales, each tale ended, the storyteller would douse a single candle, the light slowly fading as the tension rose. as each candle goes off it summon more spiritual energy, transforming the room into a beacon for the dead. With the vanishing of the final light, someone or something terrible would be waiting in the darkness. But we ran out of stories, so we had to stopped at the 12th candle. but I would love to continue this game. I am just going to collect as much ghost stories as possible and then post it up in the Red Empress and when I have collected 100 ghost stories I will continue with the game. So if you have a ghoulish tale, stories from your local village or perhaps a personal experience to share, please do email it to me at xniquet@gmail.com and I hope i can published it in my blog and add to my Kaidan collection and i hope that i can gather enough before the next Hungry Ghost Festival.