Ayumi + Bikini + Short Jeans = Death by Hard On

playing on my iPod:
Sitting, Waiting, Wishing - Jack Johnson
(Anything by Jack Johnson is good when you are drinking away at a beach side pub in the day time)

Here's the fucking question. Who the fuck would wake up early in the morning, have a light breakfast and then go to a bar, drink till they get drunk, go home get sober and well rested before starting it all over again at night. Frankly there are only 2 types of crazy motherfuckers who would risk getting drunk in the middle of broad day light. The first one I guess you already know, commonly known as KELING a.k.a the drunkard Indian lorry driver with blood shot eyes who is always seen sitting in a China man coffee shop no matter what time of the day sipping their beer or Guinness stout; if you don't see them because of the poor lighting, you would probably smell their alcohol stench a fucking mile away. The second crazy motherfucker would be xniquet and the only cock-stain who would be crazy enough to tag along with his completely useless daytime-drink-till-you-get-drunk ritual are usually crazy bitches from Tokyo.

Norie who was out cold today courtesy of her vigorous beer swelling last night, decided to take a rain check and gave me some quality time with Ayumi today. Ayumi who was always ready and willing was up for anything. So we plan to go along with my bright idea that is to get drunk before noon, come home, sober up and get ready to party again at night.

Since Ayumi was nicely dressed for our first date, I needed to make myself a little bit presentable. So I wore a fish net singlet with a white badminton short that exposed most of my two tone tights, flip-flops and a cowboy hat to go with Ayumi candy stripe bikini top and short jeans that lets half her ass out.

Our breakfast was a muffin and a bottle of Gatorade that we purchased from the 7-11. Seeing that Ayumi was only dress in a bikini and a half-ass jeans, going to a China man coffee shop would only gave all the Ah Pek (old China man) having coffee there a hard on which would not be good.




After weighing the possibilities, we decided not to kill any Ah Peks today, so we headed to a place where people in really little clothing are always welcome - Tembeling Bay Inn's Malibu Bar which was open 24/7.


Since this would probably be my only one on one time with Ayumi, I've already something up my fucking sleeve. The best way to get inside a girl was buying her lots and lots of drink with supra ultra high alcohol content. It was a fool proof plan. I am going to get Ayumi as drunk as possible before I pump her like a fucking jam hammer.





...for information of course.




But somehow the more she drank the more excited and hyper she got; up to an extend that she was practically dancing to Jack Johnson's Banana Pancakes and licking the decorative booze bottles in front of us which was making the other people around us feeling a little nervous. So I guess it was time for us to bail, head back and wait for round two tonight.

Cause I like to Party with the Naughty Japanese Girl

playing on my iPod:
Battle Axe - Deftones

I am such a big fucking faker; to myself that is. I fucking told myself that I wanted to be fucking different from the rest. When people go partying on weekends or the eve of public holidays, I would fucking stay back in my studio and get my work done and while the average working person goes to bed at 10pm on a work night, I shall head down to the club and party like it is 1999. But it is fucking hard to keep one's promise to oneself when you have the naughty Japanese girl and her gothic girlfriend staying with you under one roof. Yes, Norie kept her promise, one year after we met in Tokyo, she was here visiting me. I gotta hand it to these motherfucking Japs, they are really trustworthy people. That is a fucking rare value especially when you are living here; when was the last you ask your friend out for coffee when you told them "I will ask you out for coffee someday".The term "someday" that we Malaysian uses often means "when I am about to slap you with a wedding invite and don't forget the Ang Pow (Chinese customary wedding gifts in the form of cash)" or "When I need your help" or "This is my last chance to see you because I am dying of a colon cancer" or maybe never.

It was Norie and her friend Ayumi's first time in Malaysia, how can I deprive them of partying on X'mas eve? Norie told me that she was bringing me a gift from Tokyo and I sure hell wished that Ayumi was that gift. Ayumi was a lightning bolt of hotness. She has the look of a goth beauty (goth chic really turns me on) but somehow she doesn't speak much. All heads turned to look at Ayumi and what she was wearing when we stepped in 6 Underground Club last night. She practically worn something made for a Goth party - a black bodice, a really short skirt and boot laced up to her knees. The local girls don't usually put on such a show. Judging by the cold stares thrown at us, I guess Snake and I was the envy of all the other guys there. How could 2 butt ugly guys like us be in the company of two fine ass ladies? We partied so hard on that Christmas eve, that dear lord baby Jesus in his ghostly 2 x 4 fucking manger would be so goddamn proud of us.

I ain't no fringing Nostradamus but I can pretty much predict my life for the remaining days of 2008. With this two Kimono Party Geisha staying with me, it was going to be one huge ass party and it was time to bring my game up a level and fucking RAGE...

For those who don't know or can't remember who Norie is, here's something to stimulate your brain: The Naughty Japanese Girl

xniquet's Christmas Tree

Happy Wordless Wednesday.



Hope y'all like my Christmas tree.



'Cause it took me a pint of myself to do it.



Just so you know I do what I preached.



Wishing y'all have a smashing Christmas and a Happy fucking New Year.

McAss Buffet at Billabong Pro Am 2008

playing on my iPod:
Used To Love Her (But I Hand To Kill Her) - Voodoo Glow Skulls

It was a fucking lovely Monday morning when I got my ass outta bed. I was at the verge of exploding in my pants not because I had a wet dream but I had to fucking pee. My body was one big fucking sore because of the 3 days of sun, sand, surf and sweet ass bitches at the Billabong Pro Am surfing fest. I was too damn tired to prepare breakfast and my body was already serving gastric juice to my tummy. Seeing that it was the Chinese festive season of Gluttonous balls, there weren't many stall opened today and I wasn't in the fucking mood for spicy and hot stuff, so the thought of Indian and Malay food was completely out. The only sane thing to do was to head up to Mickey D's at the beach. To be frank, I haven't dine at Mickey D's for a long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long time. If you ask me how many fucking long is that, I would say too fucking long. So I went up to the fucking cashier that looks like a transvestite and I ordered a large set of McChicken and then I saw the Prosperity Burger thing that fucking comes with a set of curly fries; fuck that I just gotta have that too because I simply love curly fries. It always reminds me of pubic hair and I love pubic hair, who the fuck doesn't? So I fucking ordered 2 sets (because I like to party). When McTranny came up with the fucking bill, McCibai!!! When did 2 sets of value meal cost RM30+? McMotherfucker, the last time I had a McValue meal it was still under RM10.


Anyway, whatever has been done been done, so I sat down on a table facing the sea and try to fucking enjoy my McRip-off meal. Man, it was a big fucking McMistake for ordering 2 sets, I was full right after my third bite on my McChicken and I haven't even started on my fucking Prosperity burger. But it would be a McShame to waste it, so after 1 hour and 15 minutes, I manage to gobble up every McGoddamn thing on my fucking tray and it made me fucking sick. As I was driving home I was having McNausea, I could McThrow Up anytime. I really don't want to do that, at least not in my spanking new car that I just got less than 2 months ago. I ain't McBulimia or McAnorexia but when I open the fucking car door, I immediately threw up all over my house porch. There was so much McVomit all over my fucking porch. And this was how I fucking remember why the fuck I have been staying away from McfuckingDonalds all this while.


Anyway, like I told you that I just came back from Cherating from the 3 days of the Inaugural Billabong Pro Am surfing, an event which I couldn't take part in because of my injuries I got last April. But I manage to do a little surfing and mingling around. I met surfers from all over the world, especially sweet ass Megan. She was so fine that I wanted to sink my teeth in her; she was almost like a supermodel only with a little more breast and ass. She was one few people like me whom share the same love of tattoos, biking, Patrick Star and fucking. Alright she didn't say fucking but who doesn't like to fuck? I spent most of the nights there with her drinking and dancing the night away to Ska punk but that was just it. So now I leave you with some pictures from the event. Instead of taking pictures of people surfing, I decided to be a pervert and take pictures of people's asses.






I guess the heat of the sun turned me into a pervert after all and so there's all the ass I have for you this time . To those celebrating the upcoming festivity, have a merry fucking xmas.

Is it alright to dip your dick in your close friend's pussy?

playing on my iPod:
Faith - George Michael

To say that Jane and I are two of a kind would be an understatement; we were like Chinese food and chocolate pudding or Cocaine and waffles or peanut butter and ladies. She was a vegetarian while I like my steak bloody in the middle; she was an atheist while I fucking blame God for my lame existence; she was the intellectual, be safe or sorry type while I was the dumb and reckless son of a bitch who does crazy things to have fun. Yet we fucking manage to strike an accord right in the middle and co-exist in a symbiosis manner. It could be my fucked up peculiar personality that captivated her or it could be her brain wrapped in all that smartness and sexiness that gave me an intellectual hard on. Maybe it could be my absurd ideas and persuasiveness together with her open-heartedness and willingness to explore that somehow blends us together and making it felt so right.



Or it could be my witty answers to all our pointless disagreements:




*xniquet looks up to Cal Naughton, Jr. that is why he likes to party*

They say sometimes shit happens, but in my case shit always seems to follow me around. Since Jane had her say on going fishing the last week, it was my turn to bring her for a midnight surf which turn out to be a big fucking mistake because the water was fucking freezing. She was smart not to go in any further right after her ankle felt the cold numbness of the sea but I was my usual self - a show off and a jackass. I dive right in and I came out shivering my ass off and with my dick shrinking to the size of a new born infant, all the fucking blankets in the world would never revive my body heat and return my penis to its original state. (Oh my fucking lord, I should have worn shorts instead of my wet suit, now Jane is going to see how damn petite my unit can get when it gets chilly)

So in the mist of my violent shivering, Jane decided to come over and give me some of her body warmth. It started with a hug, then my lips just sort of got stuck on hers and we started kissing and it went up a notch when I gave her a 30 second Frenchy. Then she stopped to take a deep breath before she shoved her tongue all the way down my throat for another 30 seconds . My hands just sorta moved itself as it reaches for her tits. I mean of course when a guy make out with a girl, their hands will automatically go for a feelski; its fucking normal, right?

Before we knew what was going on, my hands was already underneath her clothes , unhooking her bra (yes I am that good in unhooking bras, back openers only, I suck at front openers) and my mouth and tongue was no longer massaging her tongue but was behind, over and back, all over her neck and ear lobes. As the night draws to an end, it happened and both our hands and feet got scratched. You see I have done it dozens of times (maybe not dozens but a few times), it is completely normal to get scratches on your hands and feet while you fuck at the beach because the sand here isn't as soft as they use to fucking be.

It was an ultra funky weird morning; we came here as friends but woke up like two lovers lying on the beach sharing a blanket. Deep down we both know (I think) that what fucking went down last night was just our lust; there wasn't a single drop of love between us; it just like two animal getting it on, feeding and quenching each other's sex thirst. Yes, I do love her, like I love my guy buddies but none of that lovey dovey romantic bullshit. That was no way the act of fucking is going to blur out the line between friends and lovers for us (I hope).


It is funny because I always treat my male and female friends the same, in the sense that I wouldn't go outta my way to show more flair or sophistication or give any special treatment to my female friends just because they got bigger and prettier tits than my male friends. I treat them the fucking same - just like crap. That is why the thought of what I have just done - dipping my dick into my friend's pussy felt almost like stabbing a guy's anus. I don't know about you but it really feels fucking weird to fuck someone who you just wanna be friends with. It almost felt gay and all that gayness has left my head twisted up feeling like a pretzel. Fuck that, I have pretzel in my head.

You know I never liked Malaysian made cars and shit, but somehow I always find myself in them.