As The World Spreads Its Legs

As the world spreads its legs, we will be looking at some facts and lessons in sex from across the world so that you can bring it to your bed at night. This post is basically teaching you how to fuck the world.

Fact: 20 percent of French people claim to have no interest in sex

Lesson: keep her hot to keep her interested

The French may be got in having infinite supply of wine, but that doesn’t keep your partners’ sex interest high. Here is a 3 step recipe to turn your partner into a hot fresh croissant

Simmer: the more you tease her during the day time, the more willing she’ll be at night.

Increase Heat: touch the underside of the breast too. It is more sensitive than the top side of the breast, and it is the area most men tend to ignore.

Bring to a Roaring Boil: Lie down on your back, with your partner straddling your knees, introduced her to your Eiffel tower; have her arc her back and lean back 45-degree angle, so that she can support her weight on the palms of her hands. Use shallow upward thrust to stimulate the upper wall of her vagina. This position allows you to hit the clitoris easily, as well as give her control over the speed and depth. This means more orgasm for her and more sack time for both of you.

Fact: 23 percent of German men are aroused by women’s underarm odor.

Lesson: your nose is a sex toy

German men are attracted to body odor because underarm hair sends scent-gland odors that intended to attract a potential male. But today we prefer our women to be shaved, as well as exude a less natural scent. Try misting her with sexual arousal, a perfume that combines the scent of cucumber, lavender and pumpkin. Men who smelled that scent will experience a 40 percent increase in penile blood flow.

Fact: 27 percent English men consider breast to be the sexiest part of the women’s body.

Lesson: Appreciate her breast even more than you do

Here is some lesson for:

Women with small breast: if you are with a woman with B cup sizes, try this position. Lie on your back with your head near the headboard, your knees up, and your feet flat on the bed. Lift your pelvis until your body is in a straight line between your shoulders and knees. (stick a couple of pillow under your butt to maintain the angle. Have her straddle you and then lean forward. She can brace herself by putting her hands on top of the headboard (or the wall). Gravity will draw her breast away from her chest turning her Bs into Cs right before your eyes (magic!!!). Fondle as needed.

Women with big breast: the best position is standing rear entry is the best because it perverts her breast from rolling and hiding under her armpits.

Fact: 30 minutes is the time an average man in Brazil last.

Lesson: Double your stamina

You can increase your stamina by reducing your muscle tension. The muscle tension is greatest when you’re supporting your own body weight. So the best position is to lie on your back flat; alternate between shallow and deep thrusting and use one steady rhythm. You will want to increase stimulation gradually, and the best way to do it is by making slow deliberate thrusting motions rather than fast, uncontrolled movements.

Fact: 5 is the average years different between spouse in Malaysia

Lesson: how to land on a younger woman

The best way of attracting younger women is to dress yourself at their age- but you will look silly at your age dressing up as a Back Street Boys. Instead convince her that marrying an old fart like you is the best chance at long-term happiness. Studies show that older husband and younger wives have a lower chance of splitting up. Remind her how happy Anna Nicole Smith and J. Howard Marshall were.

All information is collected by The Peoples' Republic of Xniquet (PRX)

Article on xniquet-wiki available:
people's republic of xniquet

My Home Gym

First and foremost, A very HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Shanecoast who celebrated her “18^th” (Ahem!!!) birthday. May all your wishes come true…

I have the right to be fat, flabby and weak, but what the fuck would I want to? Every workout I miss and every meal I don’t, my muscle will get smaller, my posture sadden and my life shorter. Home is a place where you spent hours on the couch watching TV and snacking away, a home gym can stop all that. Instead of being a couch potato, you can hit your own gym instead of hitting others and hence your excuses of lazy to pack up your gym gear, it’s going to rain, gotta save and no extra money to join a gym or too lazy to step out of the house doesn’t apply anymore.

You might be thinking that I need to spend a fortune to buy all those equipment to get a home gym going, but really the most basic thing you need is just a set of dumbbells and a workout bench that is all. You can do miracles with just these or maybe a Swiss ball. Anyway, I have been complaining to myself on how dusty my home gym was and I definitely wanted to do something about it. So I spent two days dusting the place up and hooking up the long neglected sound system so that I don’t have to use my iPod and sweat all over it (I have to work out with music, it is a definite must). The result was a dust free gym environment. I have a pretty basic gym, just a workbench which inclines and declines, barbell, a couple of dumbbells, exercise map and a walker for warming up and down. At long as it gets the work done, I have no complains here.

My very own gym which I keep all my biking jersey, helmet and shoes which until recently it became my dog - Woa Woa’s playroom too.

My long neglected sound system –Nakamichi’s satellite speakers; meet my Personal Trainer, I bought her for RM6 and I uploaded her to my Pocket PC.

She gives me specific workout for my targeted area

She records my workout sessions

…and allow me to keep a health and workout journal

My gym instructor and nutritionist: Workout for Dummies, The Home Workout Bible, 101 Nutrition Secrets for Men and The Abs Diet (Air Bag System Diet... wukakakakka). From time to time you can purchase a copy of Men’s Health for only RM10 per issue; it has got loads of workout tips and healthy recipe.

My Diet & Exercise Assistant Desktop; what it does is it help you keep track of how much calories you intake and burn during the day and then compare it with your target to see if you have achieve your goal. It comes with a good database of how much calories are there in what sort of food. [ Click image to enlarged it ]

On another note, Matchbox Twenty is back with their fourth studio album “Exile from Mainstream” which is a greatest hits album and containing 12 hits and 6 new releases. The 2 disc album will be released October this year. Currently, their first single “How Far We’ve Come” is getting air play on our local radio. I think it is a pretty upbeat and catchy tune which has Matchbox signature style all over it and working out to it is great. So if you got the time, go get it and slip into your workout playlist and you will have fun seeing “how far you’ve come” :P. If you haven’t heard it, you can check out My Featured Media Section to listen and watch the music video. It will be playing this whole week.

How Far We’ve Come

By Matchbox Twenty

(Hello, hello, hello)

I’m waking up at the start of the end of the world
But it's feeling just like every other morning before
Now I wonder what my life is going to mean if it's gone

The cars are moving like a half a mile an hour and I
Started staring at the passengers waving goodbye
Can you tell me what was ever really special about me all this time?

But I believe the world is burning to the ground
Oh well, I guess we're gonna find out
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come
Well I believe it all is coming to an end
Oh well, I guess we're gonna pretend
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come

I think its turning to a crock but I don't really know
And I can't remember caring for an hour or so
Started crying and I couldn't stop myself
I started running but there's nowhere to run to

I sat down on the street, took a look at myself
Said where you going man, you know the world is headed for hell?
Say your goodbyes if you've got someone you can say goodbye to

I believe the world is burning to the ground
Oh well, I guess we're gonna find out
Let's see how far we've come (right now)
Let's see how far we've come
Well I, believe it all is coming to an end
Oh well, I guess we're gonna pretend
Let's see how far we've come (oh yeah)
Let's see how far we've come

It's gone, gone, baby it's all gone
There's no one on the corner and there's no one at home
Well it was cool, cool, it was just all cool
Now it's over for me, and it's over for you
It's gone, gone, baby its all gone
There's no one on the corner and there's no one at home
Well it was cool, cool, it was just all cool
Now it's over for me and it's over for you

I believe the world is burning to the ground
Oh well I guess we're gonna find out
Let's see how far we've come (oh yeah)
Let's see how far we've come
Well I, believe it all is coming to an end
Oh well, I guess we're gonna pretend
Let's see how far we've come (oh yeah)
Let's see how far we've come

My Church

It’s Sunday and for Christians it’s time to sacrifice your valuable sleep time and drag your lazy asses to church, same goes to me. But the only difference is, instead of a church, I drag my ass to the gym. I’ve been having a stiff neck since the movie marathon and then excessive game playing just sort of made it worst, so I guess I have to take it down a notch at the gym today. No muscle tearing training but more towards a cardio workout. Today’s gym session was good. I tried something new today, instead of packing my iPod with hard rocking and punkish tunes, I decided to pack it with lots of catchy sing-along acoustic music. It kinda worked; it’s like a breath of fresh air working out to it. 阿闷! (Amen)

Here's the list:

Avril Lavinge/Don’t Tell Me (Live Acoustic)
The Corrs/ Runaway (Unplugged)
Our Lady Peace/Clumsy (Acoustic)
Daughtry/Home (Acoustic)
Hanson/ Penny and Me (Acoustic)
Bush/ Glycerine (Acoustic)
Incubus/Drive (Acoustic)
Duncan Sheik/Barely Breathing (Acoustic)
Goo Goo Dolls/ Slide (Acoustic)
Kelly Clarkson/ Since U Been Gone (Acoustic)
Maroon 5/ This Love (Live Acoustic)
The All-American Rejects/Swing Swing (Acoustic)

Warm down Track:

Hinder/Lips of an Angel (Acoustic)

Coldplay/The Scientist (Live Acoustic)

Note:
Acoustic = Studio acoustics
Live Acoustic/unplugged =Live recording
**If there is any Acoustic freaks like me out there who wants to trade MP3s do drop me an email, I’ll trade ya, I am always on a look out for good acoustic versions. :)**

A hungry body must be fed, feeling guilty for eating after your workout and thinking that after I eat this, all my workout are goner is so wrong. Your body needs refueling in order to regenerate, depriving it will only slow down your metabolism and when it does, you’re fucked. Since everyone seems missing, so I decided to cook something for lunch. Soy is in my menu. Soy is great for building muscle; it has all kinds of “shit” in it which is good for you. It’s an abundant source of non-animal protein and it shows off it versatility in Asian cooking.

Benefits:

-Benefits diabetics and kidney trouble people because its protein and soluble fiber helps regulate glucose levels and kidney filtration.

-Prevents Osteoporosis

-Lowers LDL (bad cholesterol) and decrease risk of heart disease and stroke.

-Boost immune system

-Assist in cardiovascular health by reducing artery-clogging plague, improves blood pressure and maintain health blood vessels.

-Most importantly for guys, prevents prostate cancer.

So here’s a little recipe for making something that sounds un-delicious into something that taste great and it’s healthy:

Chicken Fucks Bean Curd Burger（鸡干豆腐汉堡包）

Ingredients

1 chicken breast fillet

1 tbsp Basil and Garlic Pesto sauce (chopped basil and garlic mix with olive oil)

1 tsp sesame oil

1 tsp freshly ground pepper and salt

1 fresh Firm Bean Curd (Tau Kwa)

Salsa sauce

Black sesame seeds (Garnishing)

Salad: Cucumber slice, Alfafa Sprout, Lettuce or any sort of greens you like.

Preparation:

**(Warning for non vulgar version please ignore the words in italics)**

Discard any excess suck-ass fat from the damn chicken fillet. Combine Pesto sauce, sesame oil, salt and pepper in a fucking bowl. Add the fucking meat and mix well. Cover the fucker and refrigerate for 10-15 fucking minutes.

Cut the ass-licking bean curd into two fucking halves. Lightly coat it with oil and grill those fucks for six minutes until they be cum golden brown and set those dip shit aside.

Place the butt-licking chicken fillet in the oven and grill the living shit out of them for 8-10 minutes. Remember to turn those fags occasionally.

Arrange the damn vegetables on one side of the ass-wiping bean curd. In my case I use the ever gay looking purple cabbage as my fucking vegetable. Spoon some cum- like salsa sauce on it.

Take out the piece of shit chicken fillet and placed that dirty little turd between the mother fucking bean curd. Spoon fuck more ass banging salsa sauce on the cunt-smell meat. Sprinkle some cock sucking sesame seeds on top of the faggot bean curd and fucking serve. Yay!

While cooking, I got throngs of SMSs from an old friend who was in town since God knows when and was heading back to KL when she SMS me. If you reading this Cloudie…

Will You Self-Destruct?

Here’s a little something for you do to if you have some free time, find out are you on a highway to self-destruction. **Add up your score as you go along…

Question 1 - Do you have a family history of knee or back problems?

A. No (0 points)

B. Yes (+2)

C. Yes, including surgery (+3)

Question 2 - Do you snore?

A. No (0)

B. Yes, but not very loud (+1)

C. Like a Jack Hammer (+2)

D. Not sure, but I feel rested (0)

Question 3 – Do your shoes wear unevenly?

A. No. They’re the same (0)

B. There’s a slight difference (+1)

C. There’s a big difference (+3)

Question 4 – What’s your body-mass index (BMI)?

A. Lower than 25 (-2)

B. 25 to 29.9 (-1)

C. 30 to 32 (+3)

D. Higher than 32 (+5)

Get you BMI here

Question 5 – Have you ever smoked?

A. No (0)

B. Yes, I quit years ago (+2)

C. I light up once in a while (+3)

D. I smoke every single day (+5)

Question 6 – How often do you eat salmon or tuna?

A. 2 or 3 times a week (-2)

B. A couple of times a month (+1)

C. Rarely (+3)

D. I eat some but also take daily omega-3 supplement (-1)

Question 7 – Do you take a daily multivitamin?

A. Yes (-1)

B. When I remember (+1)

C. No (+2)

Question 8 – How often do you pop pain killers for your muscle or joint pain?

A. Almost never (-1)

B. A few times a month (+1)

C. Daily (+4)

Question 9 – How many serving of dairy do you consume daily?

A. No (+2)

B. About 3 (0)

C. At least 4 (-2)

D. None (+4)

8 ounces of milk, 3 or 4 cubes of small cheese cubes and 6 ounces of yogurt each equals one serving

Question 10 – Do you regularly drink soda (either diet or regular)?

A. No. (0)

B. Yes (+2)

C. Sure, but I stick with non-cola varieties, like Sprite or 7UP (+1)

Question 11 – How many hours do you usually sleep?

A. 6 to 8 (-2)

B. 5 (+1)

C. Less than 5 (+3)

D. More than 8 (+2)

Question 12 – How many hours straight do you spend sitting at a desk every day?

A. Less than 1 (0)

B. 1 to 2 (+2)

C. 2 to 4 (+2)

D. More than 4 (+3)

Question 13 – How often do you work out?

A. 3 times a week (-4)

B. Once or twice a week (+1)

C. I go monthly rather than weekly (+3)

Question 14 – Which workout plan most resembles your own?

A. Balanced blend of cardio vascular work, weight training, and stretching. (-4)

B. Random mix of cardio and weight training (+2)

C. Either cardio or weight training exclusively (+3)

Question 15 – Do you feel stiff at the following times?

A. Upon wakening (i.e. until showering or moving about) (+2)

B. After sitting still for a while (+1)

C. Only the day after a hard workout (+1)

D. I almost never feel stiff (-1)

RATE YOUR RISK

0 or fewer points

YOU ARE ALMOST INVULNERABLE

1 to 4 points

YOU ARE PASSABLY PROTECTED (I am barely here. Damnit! I wanna be Invulnerable!!!)

5 to 12 points

YOU ARE INVITING INJURY

13 or more points

YOU ARE WALKING WOUNDED

It’s never too late, here’s some help:

If you score +1 or more for questions 1,3,4
– give extra attention to your KNEES

If you score +1 or more for questions 1,2,12,15
– give extra attention to your BACK

If you score +1 or more for questions 5,6,8,11,14
– give extra attention to your MUSCLE RECOVERY

If you score +1 or more for questions 3,4,12
– give extra attention to your LOWER BODY

If you score +1 or more for questions 5,6,7,9,10
– give extra attention to your BONE STRENGHT

Do It or Screw It

The best time to do your workout is right after you get out of bed in the morning. Your body is starving, and it’s time to work those hungry muscle so that when it comes to breakfast your muscle will burn fats more efficiently. The idea of it all sounds good but don’t you just hate waking up early and packing your gear and then drive out to the gym? So to save me from all this (I am so not a morning person), I bought this (above) from Giant for RM199.90. It comes with a workout bench and a barbell. Weights have to buy separately. Weights are going for about RM6-9 per kg. I am currently bench pressing 30kgs which is so short of the fitness standard weight to press. I read somewhere that the fitness benchmark for bench pressing is 3 times the weight of that particular person. Means I have to bench press over 200kgs, “Gila” (crazy) ka?

Anyway, I am so addicted to this cream; I got it free from Marie France Bodyline because I went there to “Kay Po” (busy body) and I was talked into taking a free trail and this is one of the free gifts I got. Usually the ladies will apply this cream when they go to sleep, helps to burn the fat while sleeping but I have found a better way of using it. Rub it on the area you are targeting and go for workout. You will feel the difference and even see the difference. I have been using it ever since.

I love working out at home because I don’t have to plug in my iPod, I just simply play it from my iTunes:

Today’s Bench Press Music:

Korn/Thoughtless
If it wasn’t for Korn, there wouldn’t be any Linkin Park; they are the godfathers of Nu Metal.

Nirvana/You Know You’re Right
Nirvana’s last released, many years after the death of their front man- Kurt Cobian.

Depeche Mode/ A Pain I’m Used to
One of the many songs that is good on Depeche Mode’s Playing the Angel. The CD is worth your money

30 Seconds from Mars/From Yesterday
Jared Leto’s band, it’s pretty good but I still prefer “The Kill (Bury Me)”

White Zombie/Real Solution #9
Rob Zombie’s old band, taken from their highly acclaimed album: Astro Creep 2000….

Ben Moody Feat. Anastacia/Everything Burns
A dash of Evanescence with Anastacia’s husky voice.

Megan McCauley/Wonder
I wonder what is taking her so long to come up with an album, I love her songs and so far she has only came out with an EP with 4 songs.

Here’s some DO ITs and SCREW ITs

Lift Weights before Your Cardio Workout

DO IT

You’ll have more energy to lift and have the proper hormonal release, which stimulate growth, so you will get better results.

Don’t Eat After 8PM

SCREW IT

Calories can’t tell time. A cheese burger has the same amount of calories at 6am in the morning and 8pm at night. Plus, hitting the sack with a hungry stomach can disrupt sleeping patterns which can do your diet more harm.

Brush and Floss Twice a Day

SCREW IT

In terms of dental health, once a day is fine. Plaque takes 24 hours to harden, hence one good brush a day is better than 2 half assed attempt.

Use Hard Toothbrush to Clean your Teeth Better

SCREW IT

A soft one cleans as just as well and causes less damage to the teeth and gums.

For Men: Check the Equipment

DO IT

A guy should have an erection at least once a night while you’re sleeping. To test yourself, wrap postage stamps around the base around the base of the penis, and secure the ends together. If the stamps are torn along a perforation in the next morning, everything is working correctly.

…and remember not to lick the “used” stamps when you are about to stick it to the envelope. You don’t want to be licking any Dick Cheese. Next time if you lick a stamp which taste salty, go wash your mouth and you don’t wanna know where the stamp have been before.

xniquet's workout playlist: how to show off in the gym

...when there is no one...

After being absent for almost 1 week, it is time to hit the gym again. I have never been the one who goes to the gym on Sundays; maybe it is stated in the scripture that thou shall rest on the Sabbath. Actually, the Sabbath is actually Saturday not Sunday. But I ain’t no Jew, so what the heck. Actually I don’t go to gym on Sunday is because someone told me that the Pahang’s Football Squat goes there to train and also there will be some overzealous body builders showing off their steroid filled bodies. It will be jammed packed with “Batangs” (Dicks). Unless you are ready to clash dicks, so please count me out. But today, since it was raining the whole morning and it was cloudy and cooling throughout the day, I suppose half of the gym freaks would probably skip gym session and do something else. Beside my ass is flapping and urgently needs some work out…

When I reach there, to my surprise, there was no one there, just me, myself and I. What happened? I thought maybe half of the freaks will skip it but not all right? So I asked the receptionist and I found out that the Footballers actually don’t train on Sundays and usually Sundays are the quietest day of the week. That is why they close at 3pm. CB!! It’s almost 2PM, I have been with this gym for 2 years and I don’t even know about this. Dang!

I make do with whatever time I still have and not wanting to waste all my effort of tying my shoe laces before I came. I started off with warm up on the treadmills (I ran like hell just to get my heart rate up because I didn’t have time) and then I moved to machines before hitting the free weights. It was my usual routine but this time with little time to rest in between. Reminds me of a time when I was in my teens, me and my friend stupidly went in a buffet not knowing that it was going to end in 30 minutes. So being teens and “Kiasu” like hell, we “Bandai” the buffet spread like there is no tomorrow. We wanted to eat our money’s worth or maybe more. What to do, we were young and hungry teenagers.

I had 15 more minutes before they close and I thought I could step in the sweat room for a couple of minutes but to my dismay, it was already close. Dui… “Makan Sendiri” la …Well, actually I don’t mind working out alone, it is fun because I have the whole gym to myself. I think from now onwards, I shall workout on Sundays too. But I seriously need to wake up earlier, so that I don’t have to rush like mad.

The Fly Machine, the one that left me with sore “Katiak” (armpit) for a week once….

My favorite piece of free weights workout….”The Preacher Curl”

Today’s gym workout is powered by Pearl Jam ; I copied my entire Pearl Jam collection into my iPod. I know they are so 90’s but you can’t deny that they really have some kick ass tunes.

Warm Up:

Brain of J.
Lukin
Spin the Black Circle
Rearviewmirror
Breakerfall

Machines:

Given to Fly
Daughter
I Got Id

Weights:

Smile
Alive
Not For You

Warm Down:

Wish List
Thin Air

If you haven’t heard of Pearl Jam, Do yourself a favor and download the song “Daughter” from them, that would get you started.

xniquet's hiking playlist: preparing for our jungle trekking

Listening to while packing:
Elliot Yamin/Wait for You
Mika/Relax, Take it Easy
Papa Roach/ My Heart is a Fist
30 Seconds to Mars/ Attack
Snow Patrol/Signal Fire
My Chemical Romance/ I Don’t Love You
Marilyn Manson/ Heart-Shaped Glasses (When the Hands Guides the Heart)
Dashboard Confessional/Stolen
Silverchair/Straight Lines
Dramagods/Megaton
Jimmy Eat World/Lucky Denver Mint
Linkin Park/ Hands Held High

At 0400 tomorrow morning, we (Snake, woawoa & x) are going to venture into an unknown trek hoping to find a good hiking trail or better yet a bike trail. I consider myself a trail bike enthusiast but I wouldn’t go as far as creating my own trail with a chainsaw, hacking trees in my way to make a perfect bike trail. Why am I bringing this up, it is because there are assholes that do that. They come with their 4 wheels with a big ass chainsaw chopping off branches and root just to make their bike trial more fun. Come on man, you are killing nature just for your fun? Why? This is why I have to go for jungle trekking trips to look out for good biking trial and not creating them with a chain saw. The preparations are on…

Things in the CAMELBAK:
Towel - Just in case you feel like taking a bath in one of the streams
Walkie-talkie – cheap and efficient way to communicate with your buddy
Protective glasses – guard your eyes from thick bushes .
Heart Rate Monitor - to see if you are getting a workout
iPod – to pack in your songs lists
Herbal Cream – apply this where you want to target and you will feel the difference when you are working it.
Insect Repellant – make all the mozzie go away
Maglite torchlight – just in case you are not out yet when the sun goes off.
Hydro Bag – 3 litters/100 ounces of liquid to refuel your body.

Gears to wear:
Top: Cooling long sleeve clothing to avoid cuts and keep body warm by FOX
Bottom: Lycra track bottom to maximized movement by FOX

Mr. Shoes and Mr. Socko

Things in woawoa’s Bag:
Toys
Harness
Leash
Bandanna
Water Dispenser head, minus the water bottle. (Will get it at 7-Eleven tomorrow morning)

Ready to go!!!

Tips when encountering a wild boar

I hope there won’t be any bulls in the jungle because I am wearing red, and I don’t think wild boar are not attracted to red color right? Anyway, wild boars are peaceful animal as long as you don’t tease them or play with them, just keep out of their track. Anyway, if you find yourself face to face with a charging wild boar, don’t turn your back and run but face them and avoid them as they come charging at you. Your chances of evade them this way is higher than running away.

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